The Next 9 Children's Characters That Should Come Out of the Closet

Kermit the Frog

Unlike many of the characters on this list, we're not even sure this lonely bastard knows he's gay. One of his first gigs was on The Muppet Show where he was the show-tune singing head of a theatre troop. After suppressing his enthusiasm for musical theater, he went on to a long film career comprised mostly of being propositioned by a sexually aggressive female pig and turning her down.

Beyond being the most prolific pussy rejecter in the history of cinema, everyone's favorite amphibian has never quite seemed comfortable in his own skin. Take his famous song, "It's Not Easy Being Green," in which he wishes he were able to "stand out like flashy sparkles in the water, or stars in the sky." At the song's close, we find Kermit wrestling with his own identity: "I am green and it'll do fine, it's beautiful, and I think it's what I want to be."

You don't sound too certain there Kerm. You sure you don't want to be, say, a fabulous multicolored rainbow, as you suggest in the below music video "Rainbow Connection"?

Check out the 40-second mark in the song, where Kermit sings longingly that: "rainbow's have nothing to hide," before telling whomever he's singing to, "wait and see, someday we'll find it, a rainbow connection." We'd stop there if it didn't get EVEN GAYER when he asks his muse, "Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors? ... I've heard it too many times to ignore it. It's something that I'm supposed to be." What ever could this "rainbow connection" be that "calls the young sailors" as well as the vagina-allergic Kermit? We'll let you decide.

Dave Seville from Alvin and the Chipmunks

Many jokes have been made about the sexual orientation of Jon Arbuckle from Garfield, but evidence suggests that Dave Seville is the king of gay pet owners who are entirely too into their pets. Arbuckle lives in an unremarkable home, eats shitty food, has a fat cat, a retarded dog and is constantly trying to get laid. He's apparently a cartoonist but his main occupation seems to be staying at home all day with his pets and talking to himself. Jon is certainly very creepy, but he couldn't be less gay.

Dave meanwhile lives in a gorgeous home with a beautifully manicured lawn, and keeps three exotic pets who he costumes in long dress-like mumus with their initials on them. He's a song writer and music producer for a boy band, which is on the interior decorator side of the spectrum of gay forms of employment.

While Jon's constantly dating, Dave is rarely if ever seen with women, and is often out of town on long "business trips" to exotic locations. This gives the plot the much needed opportunity for Alvin, Simon and Theodore to be cared for by someone with absurdly lacking parenting skills. It also raises the question: Why would a song writer need to make such long and frequent trips overseas?

Peppermint Patty

By age 8, Patricia "Peppermint Patty" Reichardt was already on a one-way train to Lesbianapolis. She was a tomboy. She wore Birkenstocks. She coached a baseball team. For reasons only Charles Schulz understands, Peppermint Patty was one Indigo Girls concert away from being a crude lesbian stereotype.

Patty was the first female member of the Peanuts gang to ever be drawn wearing pants instead of a dress. One character (Marcie) even called Patty "Sir." And, at no point in the 50-year run of the comic strip or in the dozens of TV specials and feature films, was Patty ever shown making love to a man.

Strangest of all, American Supreme Court justice John Roberts noted in an interview that in high school he starred in a live production of You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown. He played Peppermint Patty. No, we're not making that up.

Real-world gay counterpart:

Martina Navratilova. She dominated tennis in the same way Patty dominated on the baseball diamond. Both have a birthday in October. Martina campaigned for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Patty often mistook Snoopy for a human.

Related: CRACKED ROUND-UP: Peppermint Schnapps Edition

He-Man

Like most gay men of the past, He-Man splits his time between two identities. During his everyday life he is Prince Adam, whose outfit of choice is tights under a button-up shirt.

While this getup is presumably meant to throw everybody off the scent of the fabulousness that pulses under the surface, he probably could have come up with a better disguise than "middle-aged woman on her way to aerobics class."

When he's He-Man, he wears fur underwear, boots and basically anything he can get his hands on that will make him look like he should be dancing in a cage at a gay bar. That's really the only thing that changes about his appearance. His clothes manage to get like 100 percent gayer, his pet tiger gets braver and he starts shooting gobs of energy out of a big phallic sword.

For some reason, he thinks this is enough to convince his best friend from childhood Teela that Adam and He-Man are two completely different people. No glasses, no masks, just less clothing and the sword. Teela plays along, but we're pretty sure she's just humoring him: "Hey Ada ... I mean He-Man. What a super masculine name that is by the way. In no way does its redundant masculinity suggest that you are attempting to cover anything up. Nor, do your naked bulging muscles."

Real-world gay counterpart:

The Sopranos' Vito Spatafore, played by Joseph R. Gannascoli. He leads a double life just like He-Man. Instead of using a muscled physique to overcompensate, he kills people.

Related: Tom Holland Learned He Snagged The Part of Spider-Man On Instagram

Velma from Scooby Doo

Wearing a hideous orange sweater and having a short, manly haircut does not make Velma a lesbian. Being both bookishly nerdy and strong enough to carry her stoner friends and their dog while running away from ghosts does not make Velma a lesbian.

Even Velma's inspiration (the character was allegedly based on Zelda from the CBS sitcom The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis, and Zelda was played by proud homosexual Sheila Kuehl) doesn't make her a lesbian. While all of these facts do provide strong supporting details, they're not what really pushed us over the fence on this issue. It was totally Daphne.

Let's just try to figure out why Velma was even part of this gang: Her life was always in danger, and she was clearly smarter than the rest of the group. Could she have stuck around because of a crush on one of the guys? Well, Shaggy and Scooby are spineless losers and Fred, though certainly talkative and well dressed, is patently useless and, we don't think it's going too far to say, blandly asexual.

So, what kept Velma coming back to a group that, in addition to being intellectually beneath her, was apparently a magnet for creepy old men dressed as monsters? The same thing that kept horny boys tuning in all those years: Motherfucking Daphne. Velma was simply no match for Daphne's overpowering sexual magnetism.

Daphne had everything: a killer body, long, red hair and that purple headband. You bet your ass she was raising more than the dead on that haunted island (ka-pow!), and Velma's heartbreaking, unrequited love could be the only explanation for her continued involvement with the ol' gang.

At least one Smurf

This is more about math, really. In a village populated almost exclusively by males, one or two Smurfs are bound to cave in to their biological urges. Even if Smurfette was a total and unapologetic whore(and this website has no doubt that she was, in fact, a filthy one), you're still waiting in line behind about a billion of your identical brothers to get your shot. Also, this isn't a Smurfgalitarian Smurftopia, it's a Smurftatorship, so you know that Papa Smurf cuts in line to get an extra turn whenever the hell he wants.

Eventually, you're going to have to make a choice: Do I wait another two weeks just so I can spend a few, awkward minutes with Smurfette, or is Poet Smurf starting to look pretty damn Smurfable?

Nature was undoubtedly telling these Smurfs to bone, and you can't fight nature. Spending all of your time waiting around for Smurfette would probably give any Smurf a serious case of (wait for it ... here it comes) blue balls.

It isn't like the signs aren't there. Hefty Smurf spends all that time in the gym and he's got those tattoos. Vanity Smurf generally wears a pink flower and stares at his own reflection. Tailor Smurf is two stitches away from Project Runway, and Dreamy Smurf's name in the original German comic was translated to "not like the others."

Cogsworth from Beauty and the Beast

We know. If we're going to out a servant-turned-appliance from Beauty and The Beast, you want it to be Lumiere, the candle, because of his theatricality and his ... well, overbearing Frenchness. And, we'd love for it to be Lumiere too; the "flaming" puns practically write themselves. But we can't argue with the facts, folks, and the facts are as clear as the phallic hands on Cogsworth's face.

She may be a cartoon, but Belle is one fine-lookin' lady. When you show up to a house and the ottoman is ready to jump your bones, that's saying something. Just about everybody was excited to see Belle except, suspiciously, Cogsworth. This was the first time a beautiful woman had wandered into the castle and Cogsworth's reaction was to send her right back onto the street?

In fact, the first time we see Cogsworth happy is when the curse is lifted and The Beast is revealed to be a handsome prince. Cogsworth, the clocksmith, was wound up throughout the entire movie despite the presence of the intoxicating Belle. But, when the prince shows up with his long flowing hair and his bright blue eyes, one look at Cogsworth's smile tells you which way his pendulum swings. Goodnight folks, we're all outta clock jokes.

The Seven Dwarfs

Snow White is well known as a sexual parable, and not a subtle one. It's all about the sexual development of the virginally named Snow White, who is eventually "awakened" with a kiss from a man to embrace her womanhood. On the way, she is tempted toward lesbianism with a "poison apple" offered by another woman (in earlier versions of the tale it is a poison taco).

Early in the Disney adaptation, White finds herself alone in the untamed wild where some trees grow hands and try to tear her dress off (2:10 into the below video).

Luckily the Dwarfs are there to protect Ms. White from the rape trees. Their cottage represents a refuge in the wild, the one place where her virginity is totally secure. And, why would Disney choose a house filled with seven men as a safe refuge for Ms. White's chastity? Let's look at the facts: The seven men in question live alone in a cottage in the woods; no matter what they do--washing for dinner, cleaning the house, walking to work--it always involves a choreographed song and dance number; they call each other names like Dopey and Sneezy that sound like the pet names newlyweds give each other.

Yes, they're miners, which is a manly profession if you're digging for something like coal that can get into your lungs and give you a hacking cough. But, these guys spend their days unearthing fabulous jewels while whistling incessantly. Also, it s clear from several references that there are only seven of everything in this cottage--seven forks, seven plates, seven mugs and seven beds. But as we see here, Snow White sleeps lengthwise across three of their beds ... and it doesn't look like anyone's complaining.

You do the math.

Madonna back-up dancers. Sure, the boys are fond of Snow White, but it reminds you more of the way certain men admire Judy Garland and Madonna.