9

"I'm ugly ... and my jaw hurts."

The Clip:
Sporting a white tank top and trucker hat to obscure, and yet ironically highlight, her identity, world-famous hillbilly Britney Spears waxes poetic to then-lover Federline about her hopes, regrets and the movie Spawn.

Highlights:
When she complains that her touring schedule has caused her to miss out on "things, and ... things" it's hard not to picture a reality TV producer off camera madly scribbling on oversized cue cards.

Warning: Britney's bizarre, jerky body movements starting at about 2 minutes might make you instinctively fling your hands up to protect your face.

8

"Only in America ..."

The Clip:
A pre-Presidential George W. Bush gets his drink on and chats with the least-investigative journalist, ever.

Highlights:
You slowly realize that while inebriated, the man can only think of four adjectives and one phrase to describe both his dear friends and outlook on life. The manic repetition of the phrases "slim, hates to smoke, marathon runner" and "only in America" leaves you with the frightening impression that he either doesn't know these people and crashed the wedding just for the open bar, or literally just streams words from his brain directly to his mouth when drunk.

What Makes It Poignant:
Watching that goofball up there, there is no way in hell he had even the slightest desire to be president. We bet if you could travel back in time and tell 1992 George W. Bush that someday the lives of thousands would hang on his decisions, he'd have been just as terrified as we are now.

7

"He's freakin' GENIUUUSSSS!!!"

The Clip:
Anna Nicole Smith presents some sort of music award, as well as her immense shame and fathomless vapidity, to the viewers at home.

Highlights:
Surprisingly, neither Anna's drunkenness nor her making-a-break-for-freedom boobs are the highlight of this clip. After all, we've seen plenty of both before. What really makes the clip is the listless, phoned-in sympathy of the anchorwomen at the end, who just finished airing a humiliating video of a fellow human being.

What Makes It Poignant:
Not just that she's dead, or that her son accidentally killed himself, or that her lover/lawyer used her more thoroughly than the last square of toilet paper in a public restroom, but rather that no one, not even us, can muster any sort of real sympathy for the woman.

She staggered through life, married a rich old guy, yelled at everyone around her, and became one of the world's greatest living sideshows of all time in the process, complete with clown makeup. It's not funny like a Judd Apatow movie; it's funny like a three-hour montage of guys getting hit in the nuts.

6

"Any publicity is good publicity."

The Clip:
Paula Abdul, apparenlty still up and drunk from the night before, spends an excruciatingly awkard 3 minutes with a pair of perky morning show hosts.

Highlights:
Right at the top, Abdul nearly falls off her stool, makes a cheesy joke, then snort-laughs at it as if she just figured out a punch line someone laid on her at the bar last night. In a classic case of Freudian projection, she then claims "it's a wild party" in the studio. No, Paula, the two stern women in business suits are not having a wild party. You, who must occasionally look off camera just to focus your vision, are having a wild party.

What Makes It Poignant:
Yes, American Idol fans, this is where the spunk comes from. It appears that Paula's wacky, effervescent encouragements are fueled by strawberry daiquiris and who knows what else. Is there anything sadder than chemical spunk?

Come on. Deep down, you already knew. Do you think anyone could really muster enthusiasm about executive producing the Bratz movie sober?

5

"I wanna kiss you. I couldn't care less about the team struggling."

The Clip:
Legendary Jets quarterback Joe Namath puts together some of the longest sentences ever drunkenly rambled to a sidelines' reporter.

4

"I would like it better if you did the show topless ..."

The Clip:
Ben Affleck shows off his acting abilities by improvising the lead up to a violent rape.

Highlights:
First of all, if that passes for an interview in Montreal, they must know jack shit about upcoming movies. As for highlights, we hate to draw any positive attention to Affleck's actions, but we have to note that his Pepe Le Pew impression is pretty dead on, considering that Le Pew was also an aggressive sexual predator.

What Makes It Poignant:
If you take away the fact that this is Ben Affleck, on TV absolutely nothing distinguishes him from that guy at your dorm party who scares the chicks off within the first 20 minutes. He takes every possible opportunity to slyly return the conversation to the woman's rack and grasps her firmly throughout.

3

"There's a daily cash price of $1,000 and ... FUCK!"

The Clip:
Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek--with mustache--attempts to record some spots for the show and ends up repeatedly shouting this four-letter expletive.

Highlights:
What is fuck, Alex? You've got to love that we see him progress from drinking a can of beer to drinking from what looks to be a crystal goblet of vodka. Way to roll like a gangsta, Trebek. Also, the little frown he gives after saying "son of a bitch" at 0:22 reminds us of Will Ferrell at his best.

What Makes It Poignant:
The emotional impact of this clip can only be truly appreciated by those of us with parents who crowded around the TV every night during dinner to shout questions at the screen. Oh, mighty Lord of all trivia, how far you have fallen. We used to think you had all the answers; now you just remind us of our dads, cursing belligerently and presumably referring to your testicles as "The Daily Double."

2

"She's a public school bitch!"

The Clip:
Paris and Nikki Hilton ask someone at a party to videotape them, and then seem to immediately forget that someone is videotaping them.

1

"GIN!"

The Clip:
The Hoff devours a tasty burger in what looks like a terrible cross between a People magazine photo shoot and the tortoise enclosure at the zoo. Best tortoise action hits at 0:23. Watch the pickle.

Highlights:
There is a clear winner in this clip, and it occurs at 0:56, when Hasselhoff's daughter asks him to promise that he won't drink any alcohol that night, and he responds with a single mumbled word: "Gin!" Although to be fair, Hasselhoff spends a lot of time in Austria, where gin isn't even considered an alcohol.

What Makes It Poignant:
If we have to explain why a video of a shirtless man ignoring his daughter's pleas for him to stop drinking is poignant, we're guessing you've probably spent quite a few shirtless evenings on the floor, picking through an exploded hamburger.

The eloquent press release they read that's supposedly from Hasselhoff (almost certainly written by a publicist) gives a hint of just how insulated from any kind of real help celebrities are. That fact really weighed on us around the 103rd time we watched the video.