David Blaine Makes America's Brains Disappear!

Do you believe in magic? Cause I don't. Especially when it consists of some attention-whoring asshole doing glorified Jackass stunts where the only "magic" is creating the illusion that being publicly uncomfortable for a week somehow matters.

For the last 10 days, the geniuses in the entire national media have been jerking themselves silly about "magician" David Blaine, his "breathtaking" aquarium-dwelling stunt, and just how amazing it all is. Uh, could someone please explain to me what the fuck is so magical about a guy living in a tank of water for a week, with the assistance of feeding and waste tubes? I mean, David Copperfield may be a douchebag and all, but at least he flies around and makes shit disappear.

The big load Blaine was supposed to blow after his week-long masturbation session in Manhattan' Lincoln Center was holding his breath under water for more than 9 minutes, in chains, thereby breaking the previous world record. He lasted 7, then had to be fucking rescued by a team of paramedics, which is pretty much like promising a hot chick you'll be the best lay she ever had, then climaxing after two pumps and letting out a helpless whimper while insisting "this never happens." In short, Blaine fucked us.

Almost a hundred years ago Houdini was escaping chains and straight-jackets while being held upside down underwater. Do you think he had a rapid response team standing by with a mobile hospital unit full of life-saving technology? Hell no. So why is it that the press makes this puss-wad out to be some kind of mystical being? He's just another idiot willing to do harmful things to himself in exchange for a little celebrity. See also: Steve-O, Paris Hilton, everyone who' ever been on a reality show and so on and so forth.

The worst part is, after billions of people wasted their time witnessing his utter failure, Blaine is now saying he wants us to give him another chance to do the stunt again. Are you fucking kidding me, Dave? You're turning into my sad alcoholic uncle who tries to do shitty card tricks for the kids at our Christmas party, keeps picking the wrong card and insisting they "jess lemme try again." Hang it up, Amazingness McDouchewizard.

So, America, let us recap all those hours of TV footage, all the magazine and newspaper articles, all the idiot tourists staring slack-jawed at the shriveling man in the round aquarium before them — what really happened? What did it all mean?

A dude hung out in water for a week, then almost drowned. Ta-da!