Anyway, the thirty pounds or so of processed meats that I drilled didn't fix the acidity in my blood, and I kept on wiggin' out. As a joke, I took a loaf of fresh baked bread and pointed it like a gun at my hostage, a giant, savory ham. Unfortunately, the bread was actually a semi-automatic pistol, which I had somehow obtained in one of my preliminary scuffles with the fuzz, and the ham was a six year old girl named Emily, which I must have grabbed when I finished all the turkey and roast beef.
That was the last straw. The police open fired on me and I hit the ground like a sack of yams. I had been shot thirty three times, and only the thick layer of fat surrounding my head kept the bullets from reaching my brain. I was rushed to the hospital where I remained in a coma for over a year. When I woke up, I was 245 pounds lighter. Subway executives had bribed the doctors to remove my feeding tube. They just wanted me dead, but when I survived for thirteen months off my lifetime's accumulation of fat reserves, they decided to make me their spokesman and call it even for the damage (and poor little Emily's death). It's true: I could never have lost all that weight without Subway.
So that's my story. Sure, it's nice being able to see my feet again. Back in the old days I usually pissed outside rather than use a toilet, since I was really bad at guessing which way my dick was pointing. Big mess. But you don't think that every time I'm eating a delicious sweet onion teriyaki sub I'm saying to myself, "Goddamn, what I wouldn't give to deep fat fry this disgusting shit in a big vat of ice cream and olive oil?" Mmm"Â¦
How big is Yao Ming's cock, I wonder. I wish I knew his height in metric units. It'd make the ratios easier to figure out.
Regicides Anonymous is a professional humorist and regular contributor to CRACKED.com. His blog, Regicides Anonymous, can be read http://danilo.cracked.com-|-here.
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