Tom Brady Bangs Your Girlfriend

Moving Violations
Earlier this week, pop MIUWF (Mom I Used to Want to Fuck) Britney Spears shocked the international community when paparazzi snapped pictures of her driving her car while her baby son, Sean Preston, sat in her lap sans child seat. Spears claimed that she sped away suddenly to escape a "horrifying, frightful encounter with the paparazzi," although we suspect she was trying to escape a horrifying, frightful encounter with the absence of cigarettes and tacos. Though LA County Sheriff officials say they're not planning on charging Spears with negligence, we bet it' still safer for little Sean to be an adorable human pinball in mama' lap than it is for him to be home alone with the retarded man who spawned him.

Opie meet Oprah!
Oprah Winfrey has signed a three-year, $55 million deal with XM Radio. As part of the deal, Winfrey will host a weekly radio show with her "best friend" Gayle King, as well as provide informative programming on "self-improvement", "health" and "getting white people to do whatever you tell them to do in every medium known to man."
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Break-Up Season Continues
And they say that breaking up is hard to do"¦ Joining the list of recent Hollywood split-ups like Sheryl Crow & Lance Armstrong, Ritchie Sambora & Heather Locklear, and Ralph Fiennes & Jessica Tandy' great aunt, now comes word that Kelly Clarkson broke up with her rocker boyfriend, singer Graham Colton, who is, in all likelihood, a huge fucking pussy, while pretty-boy Patriot Tom Brady reportedly split from actress Bridget Moynihan reportedly because she refused to support his 27-city "Tom Brady Bangs Your Girlfriend" tour.

Gangsta Gretzky
Former C-level actress and wife of hockey legend Wayne Gretzky, Janet Jones, was named in a recently busted NJ-based sports gambling ring. Dubbed "Operation Slapshot" the allegations have sent shock waves through the sports world as they indicate that people were actually watching NHL hockey.

Grammy Goodness
The 48th Annual Grammy Awards were held in Los Angeles on Wednesday night and things were pretty much the status quo: the winners were mostly odd and outdated choices (U2) , there were grating "mash-up" performances, one featuring Jay-Z, Linkin Park and Paul McCartney, and another featuring Kool Mo Dee, John Madden, and Dikimbe Mutombo that sadly went unaired. Surprisingly, 78-year-old Desperate Housewife Teri Hatcher looked hot enough to slather in butter and lick for a week in super-slutty, super-make-you-want-to-touch-yourself dress.
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