She Doesn't Just Play One on TV
...Paris Hilton is actually retarded. Exposing herself as a mentally-challenged monkey with the narcissistic personality of South Park' Cartman, Ms. Hilton has managed to hang herself with her own words yet again. We only wish she could do it literally. This legal deposition
should be required reading for every high school student who has ever idolized a member of the glitterati. Charity HurtsWilliam Shatner sold a kidney stone
he passed for $25,000 to GoldenPalace.com; the profits will reportedly be donated to Habitats for Humanity. Wonder how much the Shat' sperm would go for"Â¦ or maybe some used toupee adhesive?
Actress Holly Hunter gave birth to twins on January 18; on that same day, Anthrax' drummer Charlie Benante was blessed with a little girl
. While CRACKED wishes all three newbies the best, we wonder whether all Hollywood babies born this close to Baby Brangelina's due date will have some sort of attention-starved Hollywood middle child syndrome. "Â¦to DustJagermeister/Grey Goose tycoon Sidney Frank died on January 11
, at age 86, of heart failure in San Diego; actress Shelley Winters died at age 85, also of heart failure in Los Angeles on January 14; Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Wilson Pickett died of a heart attack on January 19 at age 64. Guess we all know who' bringing the booze to that after-party.