She Doesn't Just Play One on TV
...Paris Hilton is actually retarded. Exposing herself as a mentally-challenged monkey with the narcissistic personality of South Park' Cartman, Ms. Hilton has managed to hang herself with her own words yet again. We only wish she could do it literally. This legal deposition should be required reading for every high school student who has ever idolized a member of the glitterati.


Charity Hurts
William Shatner sold a kidney stone he passed for $25,000 to GoldenPalace.com; the profits will reportedly be donated to Habitats for Humanity. Wonder how much the Shat' sperm would go for"¦ or maybe some used toupee adhesive?


Dust"¦
Actress Holly Hunter gave birth to twins on January 18; on that same day, Anthrax' drummer Charlie Benante was blessed with a little girl. While CRACKED wishes all three newbies the best, we wonder whether all Hollywood babies born this close to Baby Brangelina's due date will have some sort of attention-starved Hollywood middle child syndrome.


"¦to Dust
Jagermeister/Grey Goose tycoon Sidney Frank died on January 11, at age 86, of heart failure in San Diego; actress Shelley Winters died at age 85, also of heart failure in Los Angeles on January 14; Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Wilson Pickett died of a heart attack on January 19 at age 64. Guess we all know who' bringing the booze to that after-party.


Bu$iness
After first rightfully refusing, singer Kelly Clarkson relented and allowed her songs to be used on future episodes of American Idol. Who can really blame the girl for wanting to disassociate herself from her former overseers?


Plus 1
On January 14, rapper Eminem remarried his ex-wife, Kim, notoriously the subject of much of his lyrical vitriol. Though we hope the crazy kids can work it out the second time around, we're still fairly sure he did it just to get more material.


Minus 1
After enduring one of the longest marriages in Hollywood, David Hassellhoff announced that he is splitting from his wife of 16 years, Pamela Bach. We knew that bitch was always jealous of his hot career.


Diss Nation
Rapper Cam'ron took aim at his former label head Jay-Z in a new diss song, "You Got It." Among the many assertions made on the track (Jay stole the Roc-A-Fella brand and Kanye West from former business partner, Damon Dash; he' a "bitch"; he' lying about his age), the most absurd is Cam' claim that Jay "can't dress," repeatedly scolding him for wearing open-toed sandals with jeans. That' tough talk from a man who credits himself for making the color pink fashionable.


H-Bomb
Former teen idol Leif Garrett was arrested for hopping a train without paying for a ticket on January 18, but soon drug possession charges were added when heroin was found on his person. Guess we'll have to add this one to his Behind The Music episode.

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