CRACKED Profiles: Bernadette Pauley

NAME

Bernadette Pauley

CURRENT BASE OF OPERATIONS

New York City

BUT I'M ORIGINALLY FROM

Revere, MA (pretty much Logan airport)

YOU KNOW ME FROM

Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn, Hosting Burly T.V. on TBS, VH-1, MTV, college campuses and I just hosted the reality T.V. pilot War of the Wives on Bravo.

FIRST TIME ON STAGE

Was at a placed called Rebar, an open mic on Monday nights in Chelsea (Manhattan). I went there one Monday and sat and watched and thought,"I can do this." I went home, wrote stuff and came back the following week. I got there super early, signed up before everyone else and was put on last after sitting through three hours of inside jokes that the "established" open mikers told each other. It was worth it though, from that point on I had the bug and never stopped.

BEST GIG I EVER HAD

University of Alaska, Fairbanks. I just loved Alaska and I loved the school. The whole audience was awesome, really smart and well read but not at all pretentious and there for a good time. People in Alaska don't just talk the talk, they actually walk the walk. At U. of Fairbanks a lot of the students live in cabins with no running water and have to shower at the school. The guys are hot. They're quite rugged and rough around the edges but a lot of them sculpt, paint and write. It' funny, they're these hot old school strong guys (not at all like L.A. pilates strong, you might as well fuck a woman) and they're completely okay with being, I hate to say it, kind of sensitive. There' no machismo, they don't have to act tough, they just are.

The women there are awesome too, I just didn't check them out as much…

CROWD I'M MOST LIKELY TO BOMB IN FRONT OF

Definitely a Def Comedy Jam crowd. NOT a black crowd but a gangsta crowd. I opened for T.K. Kirkland about seven or so years ago, I had been doing comedy for about two years. He goes by "T to the Muthafuckin' K Kirkland", need I say more? Okay, I will. So Godfrey was hosting, it was at Caroline' Comedy Club in New York. I knew I was in trouble when I was the only white face on the bill and they started throwing stuff at Godfrey and calling him an Uncle Tom. This crowd hates everyone except who they're there to see — T to the Muthafuckin' K Kirkland. It was so awful it was funny (not at the time of course). Everyone; the MC, the waitstaff, my manager at the time KNEW I was gonna have my ass handed to me.

Then I go up. The crowd was like "What the fuck is THIS BLOND BITCH doing here?" Immediately the booing and throwing shit started, they caved right in on me. I tried to go into my act. So, finally I said, "Just let me tell one fuckin' joke and I'll get off stage." Immediately, dead silence. The whole 350 plus people shut up at once, as if to say, "We hate you so much that we will all go completely silent to get you out of here". So, I went ahead, told a joke and everyone remained completely quiet. I told another one, addressing the situation and laughing at it, and then when I was done with a little riff about the situation, this guy stands up, dead center of the crowd and says, "Now why don't you get the fuck off the stage before we have O.J. take care of you too." And the entire crowd ignited in the most thunderous applause and laughter.

He killed. I've gotta admit, I laughed too and his delivery was PERFECT. So I acted like that was my big closer, like I was killing and raised my hands and said, "Thank you all, I love you, good night." The waitstaff immediately came up to me and offered me a drink. A couple of really sweet people from the audience came up to me and apologized, which was so nice that they felt compelled to go comfort the little white girl. I really had no right being on that line-up, but it payed $100 bucks and I'll do any gig once. I actually have to thank that guy, I've used that line a lot when I'm performing for all or mostly black crowds and it kills. So, thanks mister. Here' the really funny part: I HAD TO STAY AND OPEN UP FOR HIS SECOND SHOW TWO HOURS LATER!!!

CITY OR STATE I'D LIKE TO SEE WIPED OFF THE MAP

Wherever Ben Affleck is hiding out. I can't stand him.

MOVIE I COULDN'T BELIEVE EVER GOT MADE

Any movie with Ben Affleck.

PERSONAL DREAM PROJECT

I would love the opportunity to play a tragic character in a movie, something along the lines of Gladiator, or Arlene in Monster. Unfortunately, Russell Crowe and Charlize Theron snapped those two up. That's okay, there are plenty more tragic people out there. Maybe then, I will exorcise the tragic character inside of me. But then, I wouldn't be a comic…

IF I WASN'T DOING COMEDY I'D BE

Dead or in jail. No joke.

FINE I'LL ADMIT IT

Alright, alright… I watch Dog the Bounty Hunter because I'm attracted to his son.

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Please visit Bernadette' site www.BernadettePauley.com, and befriend her at MySpace.