CRACKED Profiles Dan Allen

NAME: Dan Allen


BUT I'M ORIGINALLY FROM: Daytona Beach, FL by way of San Antonio, TX

YOU KNOW ME FROM: Clubs, colleges and Comedy Central' Premium Blend. "I'm the tall dude with the yellow shirt that starts off with a joke about the Yankees. Your girlfriend may know me from US Weekly' 'Fashion Police' [section]."

MY FIRST TIME ON STAGE: "If comedy was crack, I took my first hit at Thoroughgood Inn Comedy Club in Virginia Beach in 1998. They gave me three minutes. Right when I got off stage, one of the older comics pulled me aside and said, 'Not bad, kid. But you went over by 45 seconds and that last bit was [Paul] Reiser' bit, word for word. Come back next Wednesday.' Now, I'm an addict."

BEST GIG I EVER HAD: ""¦Was when Lucien Hold passed me at The Comic Strip when I first moved to New York City."

CROWD I'M MOST LIKELY TO BOMB IN FRONT OF: "Car dealers! My friend, comedian Jesse Joyce and I were performing at a Honda dealership in Middleton, NY, for their Christmas party at a country club. Traditionally, they raffled off a big screen television as a Christmas bonus, but the owner decided to "treat" them with a comedy show instead. The DJ turned off the music and awkwardly announced, 'Now we're goin' to have comedy . . . I guess . . . Please turn around and give it up for Dan.' I turned on the wireless microphone and stood in front of the buffet table. Immediately, I alienated the entire crowd with my first joke because it offended the one black guy in the 400-person crowd. Then I recited a comedic poem that normally does really well, but this time it incited a riot. I asked them if they wanted to hear another poem and the entire audience chanted in unison, 'Fuck your poems!'"


MOVIE I COULDN'T BELIEVE EVER GOT MADE: "Garfield. The person who pitched that movie could sell my '90 Honda Accord with a stick shift and no A/C to a paraplegic."

PERSONAL DREAM PROJECT: "Tao of Dan-a science show for intelligent stoners. Think of it as an adult version of Bill Nye the Science Guy meets the Family Guy."

IF I WASN'T DOING COMEDY, I'D BE: A pawnbroker or a physics teacher. "I wanted to be a Mars colonist, but I'm two inches taller than NASA' height restriction of 76 inches."

FINE, I'LL ADMIT IT: "I played Dungeons and Dragons until I was 18 and I was a virgin until I turned 19; although, technically one of my characters got laid-but only because he used a charm spell to increase his charisma."

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