Full House preached family values as consistently and powerfully as any other show of its time period. You heard those lightly plucked piano keys toward the end and you knew you were in for some serious life lessons. However, there was an exception to their sentimentality, and that exception' name was Kimmy Gibler.

Everyone treated Kimmy Gibler like shit. Sure, the Winslows on Family Matters weren't exceptionally nice to Urkel, but you knew that Urkel was truly a genius, and would eventually rise above all the nastiness. After all, by the later seasons, Steve had access to a time machine, a cloning device, and a bunch of other ridiculous shit that may or may not have included plutonium. A realistic estimate would place Steve Urkel' net-worth today somewhere around $15.7 Billion.

Kimmy had no such luck. Which was a shame because nothing about Kimmy was inherently awful. She certainly wasn't "pretty" in the conventional sense, but my God, she wasn't ugly. She may not have been as smart as DJ, but there is no evidence to suggest that she wasn't, at the very least, of average intelligence.

Yet, the Tanner family consistently treated Kimmy as if she were on fire (also, when you touched the fire, you not only got burnt but also contracted a very severe form of an unholy AIDS/Downs Syndrome hybrid which would quite literally STOP AT NOTHING before it eats holes in your brain). Here's a an example of what we're talking about from the third episode in the 1993 season:


BECKY is sitting at the small table near the refrigerator, attempting to feed NICKY and ALEX. KIMMY enters through the kitchen door.

Hey, Tanner-inos!

Oh, fuck.

DANNY and JESSE enter through the living room door.

Jesse, do you smell shit?

You know what, I do. Wait. It's probably just Kimmy's pussy.

Yes, that must be it. Kimmy, have you washed your pussy?

Just this morning. The smell must be my feet.

Jesus. Your parents should have had a partial-birth abortion.


Dad, Michelle keeps copying everything I do!

I do not.

What's the problem, Squirt?

I didn't ask you, you disgusting cow.

Yeah, fuck you, Kimmy.

What the fuck? What about Joey Gladstone, the 30-something unmarried man who appears to have no interest in women, or financial success, choosing instead to devote his time to eating cookies and imitating cartoon voices, all in the name of a non-existent comedy career. Joey is accepted unconditionally by the Tanner family, while Kimmy and her polka dotted socks are treated like a carcinogen. Never mind that outside of the context of the Tanner family, Kimmy is no more odd than, say, Blossom while Joey Gladstone is a member of NAMBLA.

What' the worst thing Kimmy ever did on the show? Got too drunk at a party and embarrassed herself. It's as if Full House wants you to think that getting drunk at a party and acting like an idiot is somehow less socially responsible than living in Danny Tanner's rec room, bleeding him dry and wearing a mullet well into the early '90s. Okay, so Joey worked as a children' show host, and a radio DJ, but how long did that really last? Christ. Kimmy's a teenager. What's your fucking excuse, Joey?

But forget what we think. Or don't. Either way, nothing is changing in the world of Full House. Kimmy will never be a Tanner and neither will you. Nobody's parents love them as much as Jesse, Joey and Danny loved those three brats. If we made our way into the Tanner family, we'd probably just do something to make everybody significantly less happy (we haven't shown our penises in traffic court in a while).

We're pretty satisfied with our outsider status. So, like Kimmy, we watch Full House, and dream of a Gibler spin-off. It would be called Kimmy Gibler: The First Girl on Full House to Grow Boobs. And it would be fucking awesome.

Join the Cracked Movie Club

Expand your movie and TV brain--get the weekly Cracked Movie Club newsletter!


Forgot Password?