Believe it or not, only a small percentage of the emergency calls placed to the TBS Funny Hotline get made into commercials. Here are a few that didn't make the cut.
I'm half Irish, so whenever I'm at a bar picking up chicks, I always say, "Hey, do you have any Irish in you? Do you want some?" Am I funny, or what?TBS:
Are you wearing Velcro shoes? Caller:
Yes, how did...TBS:
And I can only assume a Big Johnson T-Shirt? Caller:
They only had XL but I usually wear a medium. TBS:
Sir, reach around behind you. There should be a sign on your back"Â¦Caller:
It says I'm retarded. TBS:
Actually sir, you're legally retarded and prior to this call were unaware of that fact. Congratulations, that is very funny. Just probably not to you.
Yes, I'm profoundly sad.
The only way for my wife and I to properly explain sex to our kids is by making love in front of them.TBS:
So we finally get them in the room, and we're about to do it, but I can't get my dick hard. My wife' disappointed, the kids are bored and the goddamn dog won't stop barking. Funny?TBS:
How big is your dog?Caller:
He' a full-grown puggle, a pug and a beagle hybrid, so pretty small.TBS:
Not so funny. A bigger, soaking wet dog would have been perfect. Get a lab, hose him down, and call us back.
Hello, TBS. I'm driving in my car around southern Alabama. It' really dark here and I can't see so good. All of a sudden a little mulatto boy jumps in front of my Tahoe. I swerved, but still got him real good. He' alive and twitching all over the road. I just can't stop laughing, but I have to know if it' actually funny.
You called us before calling 911?Caller:
Well, yeah. I have to get validation for my uncontrollable laughter.TBS:
Congrats, sir. We give it a "Very Funny." Thanks for the call. Now go get your car washed.
Hi, so I was just playing football with my son. I throw him a pass and he drops it and so I say, 'Nice catch Nancy.' But instead of shrugging it off he breaks down crying and tells me he' gay. So I punch him in the face, take him inside and make him watch me fuck his mom on the kitchen table. Funny?TBS:
We give it a "Moderately Funny." Next time, make sure the extended family is present for the punching and, if possible, his boyfriend.
I'll work on it. Thanks TBS.
I have cancer of the mouth.TBS:
Hi. I've got this hangnail that won't come off; I just cut myself shaving; the eczema on my shoulder is only getting worse; I'm mostly impotent; I work part-time at a library (which is my full-time job); and I recently found out my wife is humping our daughter' ex-boyfriend. I was going to hang myself in the shed until I found the number for this suicide hotline. Help me, please. Hello? Anybody there? Am I on hold? Is that the Friends
theme song? Why are you laughing?
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