The Craigslist Personal Ad Translator

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Thinking of scaring up some strange ass on the Internet? Sure you are! But find out what those ads really mean, before you end up with a rash/stalker. Below are some common phrases posted by lonely people on Craigslist, followed by translations of what those phrases really mean, and what you'll actually get if you respond.


"I'm attracted to affectionate men with playful sex appeal, a creative style and a wild love of life." I'm attracted to a man who isn't hung up on the fact that I'm currently carrying an incurable sexually transmitted disease.
"I'm fun and easy going." I won't ask for your last name. Just send me a one-line message and I'll tug your Johnson till it disintegrates.
"I'm single and not looking for any attachments at the moment." No strings. Just you, me, a bottle of wine, some rubber gloves, a Celine Dion CD, a tube of KY and some Johnson tugging.
"I enjoy new adventures, experiencing new cultures and anything that deals with a new and exciting adventure." Black, white, Mexican-whatever. You could be a morbidly obese bow-legged Chinese acrobat for all I care.
"I'm picky to an extent, but it really depends on the person." I would bone a donkey if no one would find out.
"I'd say that I'm confident and I know who I am, but I'm also humbled by life's unpredictability." Who would have thought I'd get herpes? I thought it was something only street hookers picked up off of Johns while fellating them in bathroom stalls.
"I'm comfortable in my own skin and I never see any reason to lie." Right off the bat I told you about the whole herpes thing. Oh wait, I didn't. But I will. On the first date, or after the first time we have sex or some time really close to right after that.
"Sometimes attitude can be more important than looks." I'm definitely not spending the night, and don't plan on me calling you ever again unless it's very late and I'm very, very drunk. Also, I'll be watching you sleep.
"You need to be in shape (or look like you're in shape)." As long as you have all four limbs and are between the ages of 12 and 93, we're good to go.

Learn satire from Sean Crespo at thecrespo.cracked.com, and peep Dan's blog at dbloveskittens.blogspot.com.

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