Things To Look For At The US Open

Mildly Racist Comment By Johnny Miller — You can count on the straightforward and often blunt NBC commentator to make a series of racial comments escalating in their offensiveness. Last year, Miller's indiscretions included the following editorials: "Jiminez has trouble controlling his Spanish temper," "Wow… great shot for a tiny little Chinaman," and "Jesus Fucking Christ. I thought golf was a gentleman's game"¦they let fucking nigras play now?"

Shots Referred To As "Golf Shots" — Golf is the only sport in which the name of the game commonly serves as an adjective modifying an aspect of it, such as "He's got a beautiful golf swing" or "Wonderful golf shot." You'll never hear, "He's four for five with two baseball homeruns, a national pastime strikeout, and in his last baseball at bat, was baseball hit in the head with a baseballbaseball."

Tiger Woods Whining — As old as the game itself. Before every one of Tiger's golf shots, his caddy Steve Williams goes over a brief list of rules for the gallery, including: Do not take pictures of Mr. Tiger during his backswing, Do not look Mr. Tiger directly in the eyes at any time, Do not mention the word "teeth" and, new this year, Do not say, "I'm glad Tiger's dad died. That guy was a douchebag and so is Tiger. I hope he suffered before relieving the world of his clown-ass narcissism."
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Fetishization Of The Tournament Being "Open To Everyone" — Now that Catholics are allowed to carry PGA cards, announcers and tour officials love to harp on the fact that anyone can play in the US Open. That is, anyone with a handicap of 1.4 or better and enough free time to travel the country all May competing in sectionals and super-sectionals with smarmy club pros and coked-up Wall-street types with perfect golf swings and names like Travis and Lanyon.

John Daly Embarrassing Himself — If Daly is in contention for the title, expect the golf world's ne'er-do-well brother-in-law to blow up and embarrass himself, his family, America, and obese alcoholics everywhere. Possible scenarios include: Daly chunking a wedge into a bunker and throwing his clubs in the lake. Daly getting drunk in the clubhouse and urinating on a terminally ill child from the Make A Wish Foundation. Daly blowing a twelve stroke lead on the 72nd hole, flying into a murderous rage in which he kills his caddy, his entourage of drug dealers, bookies, and prostitutes, and the King of France.

Commercials Advertising Golf Charities— The aristocratic game of golf carries with it a sense of noblesse oblige. While the Republicans in charge of the PGA would rather spend US tax dollars setting Arabs on fire than funding our nation's crumbling inner-city schools, they are remarkably charitable when it comes to teaching members of the Latin Kings how to wear collared shirts. "Yo thun! You best not be groundin' yo clubhead in that hazard, else I gonna be cappin' yo mothafuckin' ass wiff a two stroke penalty."
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