Fetishization Of The Tournament Being "Open To Everyone" — Now that Catholics are allowed to carry PGA cards, announcers and tour officials love to harp on the fact that anyone can play in the US Open. That is, anyone with a handicap of 1.4 or better and enough free time to travel the country all May competing in sectionals and super-sectionals with smarmy club pros and coked-up Wall-street types with perfect golf swings and names like Travis and Lanyon.
John Daly Embarrassing Himself — If Daly is in contention for the title, expect the golf world's ne'er-do-well brother-in-law to blow up and embarrass himself, his family, America, and obese alcoholics everywhere. Possible scenarios include: Daly chunking a wedge into a bunker and throwing his clubs in the lake. Daly getting drunk in the clubhouse and urinating on a terminally ill child from the Make A Wish Foundation. Daly blowing a twelve stroke lead on the 72nd hole, flying into a murderous rage in which he kills his caddy, his entourage of drug dealers, bookies, and prostitutes, and the King of France.
Commercials Advertising Golf Charities— The aristocratic game of golf carries with it a sense of noblesse oblige. While the Republicans in charge of the PGA would rather spend US tax dollars setting Arabs on fire than funding our nation's crumbling inner-city schools, they are remarkably charitable when it comes to teaching members of the Latin Kings how to wear collared shirts. "Yo thun! You best not be groundin' yo clubhead in that hazard, else I gonna be cappin' yo mothafuckin' ass wiff a two stroke penalty."
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