The next night, Tank’s friend and bodyguard, Willie Posey—who was also arrested during the previous night’s raid—was murdered at a Chicago night club. Police are now trying to figure out why Posey was murdered, but we think the answer’s obvious—because he didn’t have those six guns on him, duh.
6. Keith Hernandez
One time Met great and current broadcaster Keith Hernandez—now most famous for allegedly spitting on Kramer and Newman—was labeled a sexist after comments he made on the air this April. Spotting a female massage therapist in the San Diego Padres dugout, Hernandez mused: “What’s going on here? You have got to be kidding me. Only player personnel in the dugout. I won’t say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don’t belong in the dugout.”
Now what’s sexist about that? I mean, it’s not like he said women belong in the kitchen or anything. And besides, Hernandez smoothed everything out at the conclusion of his commentary when he added: “You know I am only teasing. I love you gals out there. Always have.” Nice, Keith. I mean, what’s the deal with girls in the dugout anyway?
5. Stephen Jackson
The 28-year-old Pacers forward showed potential as a great sports criminal in 2004, when he was suspended for 30 games for his role in the infamous Pacers-Pistons melee at the Palace of Auburn Hills. He might have one-upped himself this October, however, during an incident at an Indianapolis nudey bar. Jackson and some of his teammates got involved in a 3 AM argument with some of the other nudey bar patrons.
They eventually took it outside. It was there that Jackson was punched in the face and run over by a car—at which point he wildly fired five shots from his 9mm pistol into the air, hitting no one. As one fan wrote on the Indianapolis Star message board: “Guns, strip club, 3 AM – is this a good image?” We think so, yea…
4. Maurice Clarett
Pretty good year all-around for Ohio State. Troy Smith won the Heisman Trophy. The Buckeyes earned a spot in the National Title Game against Florida. And the men’s hoops squad landed Greg Oden, the most-hyped high school player since LeBron James. And then there’s Maurice Clarett and all that he accomplished this year.
First, in the wee hours of New Years Day, a drunk Clarett was arrested for flashing a gun and robbing a cell phone from two people. Then, in August, Clarett led Columbus police on a high-speed car chase after making an illegal U-turn. Once his SUV was stopped by police spikes, the cops subdued Clarett with mace—only after their attempts to use a stun gun on him were thwarted by the bullet-proof vest he was wearing.
Police didn’t find much inside his car, though—only a hatchet, a loaded AK-47, a Hi-Point pistol (whatever that is), two other handguns, and an open bottle of Grey Goose. Good thing he left Ohio State early though, right? Now he can watch this year’s OSU-Florida BCS Championship Game from the comforts of his solitary Toledo jail cell, where he’ll be spending the next three and a half years. O-H…I-O!
3. Janet Jones Gretzky
You can call Wayne Gretzky’s wife Janet a lot of things, but you can’t call her a freeloader. Her husband has hundreds of millions of dollars, is an international sports icon, and is coach and part owner of the NHL’s Phoenix Coyotes—but that didn’t stop Janet from trying to earn her keep. Allegedly, Janet spent a lot of her down time placing bets on sporting events. And not only that, but she placed her bets with a nationwide gambling ring allegedly-financed by Coyotes Assistant Coach Rick Tocchet.
Nothing like a nice gambling scandal to get the NHL back on track. When asked about his wife’s involvement in the gambling ring, “The Great One” wasn’t exactly the epitome of chivalry: “The reality is, I’m not involved, I wasn’t involved and I’m not going to be involved.” Way to stick up for your girl, Wayne.
2. Eddie Griffin
Eddie Griffin has always had the whiff of unfulfilled potential about him on the court, but the Timberwolves forward really came into his own off the court this year. In late March, Griffin—drunk—crashed his Escalade into a parked car in a grocery store parking lot. Of course, crashing Escalades is dime a dozen for athletes. But Griffin took this relative routine crime to new heights when he told the owner of the car he hit that he had been masturbating to a pornographic DVD when he crashed his ride.
Police did in fact find several pornographic DVD jackets in the front seat of the Escalade—in fact, the porno was still playing when cops arrived. The owner of the car that was hit is now suing Griffin—but as they say, if masturbating in the front seat of your car to pornographic DVDs while driving around an abandoned grocery store parking lot is wrong, well, then we don’t want to be right.
1. The Cincinnati Bengals
Teamwork is as important off the field as it is on the field. When a team is acting as one, then it is almost impossible to stop. And that’s why, rather than honor one individual, we’ve decided to name the Cincinnati Bengals Franchise CRACKED’s Poor Sportsman of the Year for 2006. The Bengals had an amazing 8—count ‘em, 8—players arrested this year, some of them multiple times. Impressively, they’ve had as many players arrested as they have wins this year. Here’s the rap sheet:
- Cornerback Deltha O’Neal, arrested for drunk driving.
- Receiver Reggie McNeal, jailed for resisting arrest after elbowing a security guard in the chest outside a nightclub.
- Defensive Tackle Matthias Askew, zapped with a stun gun and charged with resisting arrest.
- Defensive End Frostee Rucker, spousal battery and vandalism.
- Linebacker A.J. Nicholson, tossed in the hoosegow for stealing $1,700 worth of electronics from a college teammate’s apartment.
- Linebacker Odell Thurman, suspended for the year after being arrested for a DUI with a blood alcohol level of .17—and he was already on probation for substance abuse.
- Wide Receiver Chris Henry, arrested an astounding five times in the last 18 months, mostly on DUI, but also for brandishing a pistol and giving booze to a minor.
- And, our favorite, Guard Eric Steinbach, snagged on the Ohio River for boating under the influence.
This is a clearly a team of destiny. Congratulations, Bengals—you are the 2006 CRACKED Poor Sportsmen of the Year.
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