SportsCenter's Most Clichd Catchphrase: The Tournament
It began with Chris Berman' clever puns, continued on into a Kilborn/Patrick/Mayne fueled golden age, and has now entered into our everyday conversations. Or at least the everyday conversations of people who are too stupid to remember movie quotes.
The SportsCenter catch phrase, like the guest that is a hell of a lot of fun at the party, but spends the next three weeks on your couch making you rue the day you invited him in the first place, has run its course. We've had enough, SportsCenter Catch Phrase. As you yourself would put it, "Aloha means goodbye!"
And so CRACKED has put together a tournament of the 64 most clichéd SportsCenter catchphrases in the sports fan lexicon for you to vote on. Each phrase should be judged on how annoying, idiotic and meaningless they have become. Sure you like some of the 64 teams who made the field. Hell, we even like some of the 64 phrases below. But this is a democracy, and something must be done!
Responsible for an entire generation of stupid white men claiming to be bilingual despite the fact that they think Barcelona is an item on the Taco Bell Dollar menu.
The Baby is Due, and Dr. Griffey Delivers
Strained metaphor attempts to equate placenta-drenched torture with a homerun.
Oh my God, he almost said the s-word! That' soo funny! Remember that song: "Miss Susie had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell, Miss Susie went to heaven and the steam boat went to... Hello operator, please give me number 9 and if you disconnect me I will kick you from... Behind? Hahahahaha! I'm a fucking idiot!"
Sounds more like something a 12-year-old yells their first time at the ballpark before catching a backhand from dad than what a professional journalist should be saying while on national television.
Blatant rip-off of South Park, demonstrates astounding lack of originality, which is exactly what this tournament is all about. We mock the autistic because, um, why again, exactly?
And He is MEAT
Like Christianity, this catchphrase is popular with people who have no idea what it really means.
ESPN' East Coast bias raises it's ugly head once again.
Run Forrest, Run!
In general, catchphrases based on decade-old movies don't do well, except for "It Puts the Lotion on Its Skin," a favorite of Hank Greenberg.
Cool as the Other Side of the Pillow
Even Stuart Scott' nine-year-old son stopped saying this years ago.
Nostalgic reference to Bugs Bunny adversary makes the anchors feel young again despite being understood by no one under the age of 40.
All in the delivery, this old standby is exclaimed by many but admired by few. Probably a little too well engrained in our dialect to be retired.
Dial Nine for Long Distance
Actually, you dial one for long distance and nine for an outside call, but "Dial 9 for an Outside Call!" just doesn't have the same quotability. Quotability by idiotic basketball commentators is why this one should be retired.
I Am Kaiser Soze
A creative line from a great film should never, ever be associated with ESPN. Extra points for lack of originality and the fact that it almost never makes sense as sports commentary.
Tries too hard, like your dad chaperoning your prom.
Aloha Means Goodbye
Mentioned in every single baseball highlight for the entire 2002 baseball season, which, multiplied by the number of baseball games in a MLB season and the fact that there are 47 SportsCenters on every day, make this the most oft-repeated phrase in the history of the English language.
That Ball has Been Voted off the Island
Bad karma due to pending lawsuits with CBS.
But That' Why They Play The Game
Is that really why they play the game? What about the multi-million dollar contracts and ability to get blown at the drop of a hat? That probably has something to do with it, too.
Got Nothin But Love For Ya
Although Heavy D went down in history as one of hip-hop's great luminaries, his catchphrase progeny is a giant mouth turd.
No One Does the Voodoo Like Pooh Do
Loses points because we actually like this one, and because it' very difficult to use in everyday conversation unless you're Tigger, Piglet or addicted to meth.
Gotta be Sound in the Kicking Game
My high school football coach said a lot of boring stuff, but that doesn't mean I'm going to go off repeating it on national TV.
It' a Fumble!
Like "Goooaaaaal!" it's all in the delivery. The more vowels, the better.
Swoosh Me!A favorite of middle aged white men nationwide, although no one can figure out exactly what it means to be "swooshed." Our intern tells us it means getting a lick-down from a stripper, but then again, that's kid's high all the time.
Pretty tired, but is it a cliché if it' run into the ground by only one person? Yes.
Drop it Like it's Hot
Yeah we get it Stu, and then we'll "Back that Ass Up." Popular with Stuart Scott and white guys who take their coolness cues from Stuart Scott (AKA Brian Gumble).
Not All in One Play. That'd be a Record Or Something
Rhymes with what Mike Greenberg told his wife when she wanted to have sex twice in a 24-hour period.
He Gets Strong
Used to be figurative, now used as literal narration of highlights in which 'roided up baseball players gain 20 odd pounds of muscles in a single play.
And the Lord Said You Gotta Rise Up-A!
When you're not sure if Stuart Scott said it or it came from the Bible, it should never be repeated.
Might as Well Face it, He's Addicted to Glove
Dangerous, as has just the right amount of nostalgia to catch on with the kids. However, too awkward for casual use unless you're Danny Glover.
Champions of the Arcane Valley Conference three years running.
It's Just Another Case of the Man Keeping Us Down
Screamed by white guys narrating highlights of mostly black athletes. Yipes! Certainly wins for least appropriate invocation of the civil rights movement.
Wonderful in its simplicity. But should this elegant, understated phrase become-wait for it-waaaaait for it--gone?
You Hang It, We Bang It
A favorite of necrophilia KKK members with jungle fever.
He ... Could ... Go ... All ... The ... Way!
Old standby that Gets"¦On"¦Our Fucking"¦NERVES!
The J. Geils Band of SportsCenter catchphrases. Sad, really.
Getting' His Freak On
We're fine with SportsCenter borrowing phrases from Missy Elliott songs, we're just disappointed that they never quoted one of her early songs, "I Love Twinkies."
Not really a catchphrase as much as a way of saying a word really loud, and then getting a nation of stupid white men to say that word in the same way as you because they don't know any better.
He is Rico Suave
Falls in the category of things that are supposed to be clever because they are from the early 90s, like snap bracelets and "algebra."
Took the really annoying, fake-Spanish word for "correct" and turned it into an even more aggravating, slightly racist catchphrase used only when Puerto Ricans hit home runs.
Yahtzee!Just a fun word to say, much more successful than it' first incarnation: Candy Land!
Resistance is Futile
Set phasers on "nerd": Any reference to Star Trek: The Next Generation makes sports fans break out into cold sweats and crave geek blood.
Dunk You Very Much
Hard to drum up much enthusiasm one way or the other here, as it's clear that Kilbourn was hung-over and scrambling for lines the day he brought this one into the world.
Gettin Jiggy with It
Yeah man, and "Parents Just Don't Understand," now please stop.
You Can't Stop Him, You Can Only Hope to Contain Him
The only catchphrase lifted directly from a Joel Ostein sermon about the power of Christ.
He's No Beanie Baby
We're not even sure what this means, and we suspect neither does its originator, Linda Cohn.
With both Rich Eisen and Billy Packer claiming authorship, this phrase proves the genetic theory that if both parents are retarded, the offspring will probably follow suit.
Trees Died to Make That BatOh Linda, how your flippant faux enviromentalism slays me! It slays me right to my core, Linda!
Back Back Back Back Back
Only the most gifted of sports journalists could coin this one, which states the direction in which someone is moving repeatedly.
It's a Cowhide Joyride
From the Dan Patrick Conference, sounds nifty but combining the word "cowhide" and "joyride" has a creepy S&M vibe to it.
Please vote for this. We beg you. Dear god make it stop.
He's Into Leather
If you vote for this over "Boo-Yah." then you are either retarded or Stuart Scott.
Pick a Letter, Buy a Vowel or Spin
This catchphrase is almost as awesome as tea-bagging Digger Phelps. Almost.
He Has Issues
Along with "talk to the hand," a holdover from the brief period in the early 90' when African American women were shitting out catchphrases like it was their job. A period that everone, including African American women, agree is better left forgotten.
They're So Cute at that Age
More popular than Linda Cohen' other vaguely flirtatious catchphrase: I know he' only 21 but I'd suck him dry!
Wins the award for "creepiest catchphrase when uttered by Mel Kiper."
He Shoots, He Scores
ESPN' oldest catch phrase, "He Shoots, He Scores" recently developed a problem with adult incontinence.
He Goes Shopping at the Gap
Utility player, there anytime a completely pointless pop-culture reference needs to be shoe-horned into a boring string of doubles and singles.
Got 99 Problems But That Pitch Ain't One
Can they saaaaay that?! I feel so naughty.
Kickin' the Flavor
Jason Jackson does his best Stu Scott impression and ends up making himself look like an asshole.
Say Hello to My Little Friend
Was already a worn out cliché by the time the anchors got their mitts on it. Like the movie that spawned it, basketball players and rappers everywhere inexplicably love this catchphrase.
Gettin' Giddy in the Zone
Standard SportsCenter gibberish. Kenny Mayne could say "Hallelujah to the berry juice!" and the rest of the anchors would probably start saying that, too.
None Shall Pass
If we wanted Bible with our sports we'd go hang out with Danny Ainge.
That's Levitation, Homes
Had sort of a cool CBA afro vibe before ESPN News graveyard shift anchors started butchering it.
Rumblin', Bumblin', Stumblin'
Umm...let' see, tumblin, fumblin, grumblin, jugglin"¦now can I be on national TV?
The apotheosis of Berman mailing it in. At this point he' just making sounds.