"Manny Ramirez mixed up God's message to Abraham and sacrifices himself instead of Isaac to score Johnny Damon from third."
"Yes, folks, he's gonna be in purgatory for a while because he pulls off the suicide squeeze!"
"And Edgerrin James calls on Satan-to whom he sold his soul-to help him break another tackle."
"I would swear that Jason Kidd had grown the wings of an angel to dunk that ball over Kevin Garnnet, were it not for the indisputable theological fact that angels don't exist."
"...Amare Stoudemire takes a page out of Jesus' playbook, treating Stephon Marbury like a merchant in the temple: NOT IN MY HOUSE!"
"Back goes Torii Hunter. He leaps, and he breaks the 10th commandment by robbing Ichiro Suzuki's homerun!"
"Look at Tiki Barber driving through the Vikings defense with the force of a nail into Jesus Christ when he died for our sins."
"Randy Johnson dispatches the top of the White Sox lineup like he is God smiting the homosexuals who lived in Sodom and Gomorrah."
"Look at that punt hanging in the air, like Judas Iscariot hanging himself after he betrayed Jesus."
"And it's celebration time as the Red Wings flood the ice to celebrate around the Stanley Cup like the Jews celebrating around a golden calf in the desert."
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.