Steelers 45, Chiefs 7
and the Steelers proved their season isn't over yet with a commanding victory over Kansas City, taking a 31-0 lead into halftime. "Over? We were 1-3!" insisted Roethlisberger. "Christ! The season wasn't even a third of the way finished. Why do you media types have to get your panties all in a bunch over four friggin' games?"
Long after most fans had turned the channel to something more exciting, Chiefs running back Larry Johnson
tackled Steelers safety Troy Polamalu
on an interception return, dragging him to the turf by his hair. Instead of telling Polamalu to get a haircut or tuck his hair up under a skull cap, referees gave Johnson an unsportsmanlike conduct fifteen yard penalty for touching Polamalu's long, luxurious locks. Johnson later declared his intention to groom all his body hair until he looked like Cousin It, preventing anyone from ever tackling him again and allowing him to rush for 4000 yards next season.
Jets 20, Dolphins 17
Miami's new quarterback led the team on two exciting touchdown drives in the final nine minutes and put Olindo Mare
in position to kick a game-tying field goal. "Maybe if we didn't suck for the other 51 minutes, that would mean anything," said head coach Nick Saban
Chargers 48, 49ers 19
rushed for four touchdowns, despite his team being in command of the game from about halfway through the second quarter. Most coaches would pull their star players when up by 22 points in the fourth quarter, but Chargers coach Marty Schottenheimer
took it upon himself to make sure Tomlinson would singlehandedly win fantasy football games around the world.
"Sure, the prudent thing would be to make sure the cornerstone of our team didn't get injured on some meaningless scoring drive when we'd already doubled up our opponent," Schottenheimer agreed, "but then I thought about all those idiots who drafted a lousy team, but were lucky enough to pick early and grab L.T., and I thought, 'Why not let those shortsighted fools a chance to crow for a change?'"
Broncos 13, Raiders 3
Oakland remains winless after yet another debacle of a performance. Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer
defeated the Raiders despite throwing for only 109 yards, or one yard for every time
mentioned John Madden's induction to the NFL Hall of Fame as a former Raiders coach.
Earlier in the week, current Oakland coach Art Shell
suspended receiver Jerry Porter
for making negative comments about the team. The new look, more disciplined Raiders went on to commit 13 penalties that cost them 95 yards. Upon seeing Porter sitting home, collecting a paycheck, and not having to show up to get crushed every Sunday, Oakland wideout Randy Moss threw a temper tantrum, called quarterback Andrew Walter
a "douche nozzle," and invited "everyone who has a bye next week" to his house for a pool party next Sunday.
Lions 20, Bills 17
Detroit proved a series of metaphors correct--a broken clock is right twice a day, a blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes, the sun even shines on a dog's ass--with its first victory of the season, knocking off Buffalo, prompting the Bills' confidence to seriously be shaken to the core. "When something like this happens," frowned quarterback J.P. Losman
, "you really question everything. What kind of a god would create a world in which anyone could lose to a train wreck like the Lions? I'm not sure I want to live in that world."
"This certainly hasn't been the start we'd envisioned," said coach
regarding Detroit's five previous losses. "but this win is the beginning of a whole new season. As far as I'm concerned, we're 1-0 and starting fresh. Seriously, can we do that? That would be awesome if someone could go in and tinker with the standings."
Panthers 23, Ravens 21
could only watch from the sidelines as his team dropped a second straight game. The Baltimore quarterback suffered a concussion in the first quarter, allowing the Ravens to blame back up