CRACKED INSIDER: Jesus is a Winner

Read on for an exclusive Cracked Insider look at Issue #2, in Barnes and Noble bookstores everywhere! In today's sneak peak, Jack O'Brien looks into Jesus' obsession with professional sporting events.

It' the first philosophical question most children ask: if God is good, then why doesn't He stop all of the world' suffering?

Apparently, children aren't watching enough sports, because with every skyward finger-point and "I'd just like to thank Jesus" post-game interview, the answer becomes more and more clear: Jesus' No. 1 concern is the outcome of professional sporting events.

But with so many touchdowns to score and homeruns to hit, can Jesus keep His eye on that other, less interesting ball known as the rest of the world?
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Jesus Wins the Super Bowl

You don't have to look very hard to see that there might be cause for alarm. At the end of the first January of the new millenium, 30 days after pulling a Gatsby at his 2000th birthday part, a plane carrying 169 passengers crashed into the ocean in Kenya, killing all but seven, and leaving countless mourners to ask, "Where are you, God?"

Apparently, those mourners didn't have cable. If they did, they would have known that on January 30, 2000, He was in the Georgia Dome winning Super Bowl XXXIV for Kurt Warner. As Warner explained, "the Lord placed me in this position for a particular destiny-this place, this time, for a special thing. And we've got"¦ guys here that the Lord has assembled and we just give the praise and glory to God." But Warner-who the Lord seems to have forgotten about lately-isn't the only Ram that Jesus was busy helping.
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Jesus Touches Isaac Bruce' Crotch

One week before, on June 23rd, 2000, wide receiver Isaac Bruce, one of Warner' favorite targets that season, experienced the divine hand of the Lord-in the general vicinity of his genitals. Bruce told Sports Illustrated that after injuring his groin in pre-game warm-ups, he got on the phone with his sister and prayed himself back to health.

A few hundred miles from where Jesus was playing Mr. Miyagi to Bruce' Daniel, nine-time Pro Bowler Derrick Thomas was on his way to the same game when his car spun out of control, killing him and his passenger. Luckily for the Rams, Thomas was retired, so the accident had no bearing on the game or its subsequent T-shirt deals. One can only imagine Jesus' relief upon learning that it was a retired player-not one of Bruce' blockers-who wouldn't be making it to the game that day.
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An Alarming Trend

It would be hard to fault the Lord if these were just isolated incidents. It was the Super Bowl, and according to Bruce and Warner, Jesus is a huge Rams fan. However, as the below chart demonstrates, Jesus is a fan of lots of different sports-and his calendar is only getting fuller.

Date: May 2, 1992

Where Was Jesus: 115th Kentucky Derby
Why He Was Needed: Jockey Pat Day, one of His biggest fans, was going for his first win at the Derby.
Proof Jesus Was There: Explained Day from the winner' circle, "this is where the Lord would have me be." He also imparted the helpful advice that, "all things work together for those who believe in Jesus."
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Level of Jesus Help Needed: 6 out of 10 Horse whispering looks tough, but if Robert Redford can do it, Jesus probably didn't have too much trouble.
While Jesus Helped a Midget Ride Horses: LA continued burning to the ground in race riots that would leave 50 dead. The worst part for Angelinos: their TVs were being thrown through grocery store windows, so they didn't catch Day' advice about believing in the J-Man.

Date: November 9, 1996

Where Was Jesus: Kicking Mike Tyson' Ass
Why He Was Needed: Holyfield, a 16-1 underdog, proved he was almost exactly 4 years ahead of his time when he hyped the fight with the Muslim Tyson as a "Holy War."
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Proof Jesus Was There: After bludgeoning the most feared man in sports past the point of retardation, Holyfield declared on national TV that the Lord "protected him," pointing out that his win proved once and for all that Jesus "is the only true God!" And how!
Level of Jesus Help: 9 out of 10 Ever see the beginning of Rocky 2? Boxing takes a lot out of a man. And Jesus beat the shit out of Mike Tyson in his prime!
While Jesus Helped A Man Commit Battery: A cyclone in India wiped out 10,000 homes and 510 lives, and the wreckage of a Boeing 727 was discovered in a Nigerian swamp with all 141 passengers miraculously still alive. Psyche! They were all dead, obviously. Jesus was ballin' y'all!
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Date: October 13, 2004

Where Was Jesus: Championship Game between the Seattle Storm and the Connecticut Sun. We're told these are two teams in the WNBA.
Why He Was Needed: Because someone started crying after they missed a free throw? Honestly we can't imagine what Jesus was doing at a WNBA game.
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Proof Jesus Was There: Seattle Storm guard Betty Lennox credited a Bible verse she'd written on her shoe with her MVP award and WNBA Championship, giving "all credit to the man above." We're going to have to take her word for it. The only other guy at the game besides Jesus left at half time to have his balls removed.
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Level of Jesus Help: 1 out of 10 We're pretty sure our intern could drop 17 points on the WNBA' toughest defender. And Jesus hates our intern.
While Jesus Watched the WNBA: Six US Soldiers were killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq. Hopefully one of their little sisters liked basketball, and was able to let everyone know that those soldiers died for something larger than us all: a WNBA Championship.

Date: June 4, 2006

Where Was Jesus: Getting used to his new job in the front office of the Colorado Rockies.
Why He Was Needed: Because the Rockies aren't very good.
Proof Jesus Was There: Rockies GM Dan O'Dowd who openly admits to evaluating players based on whether they're Christian, told
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USA Today: "You look at things that have happened to us this year. You look at some of the games we're winning. God has definitely had a hand in this."
Level of Jesus Help: 4 out of 10 Somewhat hurting O'Dowd' theory: The Rockies ended the season 10 games under .500. However, given time to adjust to the hours required by His new job, we bet he'll have them playing slightly above average baseball in no time.
While Jesus Tapped the Rockies: A couple of wars started, a few thousand people died. Too soon to tell if it' worth Jesus' time-especially if his team' going to continue to under perform.


The good news is that, with Jesus' proven track record of totally kicking ass, the choice of who to root for is pretty clear-the Jesusiest team is usually the best. But considering His busy schedule these days, the next time you go catch a Rockies game at Coors field, you might want to think twice about flying.

Looking for more great sports humor? Find it in every issue of CRACKED Magazine.
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