Want to jazz up your boring sex life? If you're tired of using the same old staples of sex foods like I am, and the thought of licking chocolate syrup and whip cream off another pair of aching, turgid nipples makes you go limp, then maybe it's time to try something new. Here are some often overlooked sex foods that will help put the um back in hump.

Butternut Squash

This is possibly the only vegetable that has the actual outline of an erect penis with balls. If your maturity level hasn't graduated 6th grade, and mine most certainly hasn't, then your first encounter with this vegetable will have been holding it in by your crotch in a grocery store, garnering the scorn of your disappointed mother/girlfriend/cub scout leader. Get a video camera and turn that scorn into porn.

Iceberg Lettuce

Nothing says erotic quite like having your face pushed into a big pile of iceberg lettuce. The sexual desire invoked by iceberg lettuce comes from its versatility in the bedroom.

You can build sexual tension by tossing a few sprigs of lettuce at your partner's genitalia, saying something romantic like "yeah, you like that salad tossed, don't you baby?" Then proceed to toss that salad, if you know what I mean.1

1Oral stimulation of the anus.

Pineapple Glazed Ham

Most people reserve glazed ham for special occasions throughout the year: Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Christopher Columbus day. For some people, sex is a special occasion in and of itself. So why not make it extra special by combining two special occasions into one by using a glazed ham during foreplay?

Next time you're feeling frisky, simply remove all your clothing (or have your partner do it for you for an extra titillation), and start having some simple foreplay-kissing or biting on the neck, and light fondling will usually do the trick. Once your partner is fully aroused, hop into the kitchen and place the ham on a roasting dish and heat at 325 degrees F for approximately 2 hours.

For the glaze, remove the ham approximately ½ hour before it's fully cooked, and mix ½ cup brown sugar glaze into a small saucepan. Add a tablespoon of warm water and mix until the glaze has a smooth consistency. Brush the glaze on the ham and continue to bake the ham for 45 minutes. After about 2 and ½ hours, your ham will be hot and ready, just like your partner. Try caressing her face with your pork, and enjoy the mastication that ensues.

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