Attn: Most Selfish Chick Ever
121 East Bitch Street, Apt 2C
New York, NY 10028
Re: Payment for Temporary Boyfriend Services Rendered
Dear Female Psychopath,
It has come to my attention that after seven weeks of dating me, you have made a swift return to your old boyfriend, whom you had previously dated for three years.
Under relationship statute #3468, your "bounce-back" action grafts on to me the classification of Temporary Boyfriend -- in which case I reserve the right to bill you for services rendered during our seven week relationship. I am exercising that right with this invoice.
As you may infer from the above, had you left me for a subsequent male -- whom you previously did not have a romantic relationship with -- then this invoice would not have validity. However that is clearly not the case, as you have indeed returned to your ex-a-hole.
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Please find below an itemized account of Temporary Boyfriend services rendered, and expected payment. I have totaled at the bottom not only for your convenience, but also because you're a total fucking idiot:
Alcohol (Beer, Wine, Sangria, and whatever else you needed to cry in.)
Food (You seemed to crave everything, except for my cock.)
Movies (The pieces-of-shit you'd drag me to.)
Your Birthday (That happened to fall in the seven week dating window, which sucked.)
Valentine's Day (That happened to also fall in the seven week dating window, which really fucking sucked.)
Morning-After Pill (Not my fault the condom broke. Was rough in there.)
Listening to your stupid-ass stories (Time is money.)
iTunes songs I bought for you (Your taste in music made me sick.)
Vomit clean-up (Because your taste in music made me sick. Literally.)
Shoulder to cry on (You still took him back. Are you fucking nuts?)
Please remit payment upon receipt of this invoice. Do not attempt to claim non-receipt, as surveillance equipment will confirm otherwise. I would sign off "Yours truly," however I'm clearly not truly yours. Bitch.