Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, but 15 if the blondes are some of our nation's farmers.
Interrupting Politician who accidentally insults constituents!
Interrupting Politician who accidentally insults const-
SENIOR CITIZENS ARE LAZY!
Last night I had this dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up, my pillow was gone! I'm thinking it was probably stolen by a WWII veteran and sold for drugs.
A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "Get out. God is dead and religion is the opiate of the masses."
Q: How do you know an elephant's been in your refrigerator?
A: By the footprints in the ashes of 911 victims. I mean, 911 victims' pizza. Wait a second. Just pizza.
Q: What do you get when you cross a teacher with a vampire?
A: A teacher who gives blood tests, but remains employed due to the strength of corrupt unions.
Take my wife, please. Seriously, women are useless.
Three men are stranded on an island when they find an old lamp. They rub it. Suddenly, a genie appears and offers to grant them each one wish. The first man wishes to be off the island and, poof, he's gone. The second man wishes to be off the island, and poof, he's gone. The third man says, "Gee, I'm really lonely. I wish the Jews wouldn't start all the wars in the world."
A waiter brings a restaurant patron a bowl of soup. The patron notices a fly and says, "Hey, there's a fly in my soup." The waiter replies, "Yes. Unfortunately our chef is Latino."
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To head into the army recruiting office so he could fight in Iraq. Oh, wait. I told that wrong. I forgot to say the chicken was retarded.
Being at the top of your game can really drag you down.
Sometimes our big, dumb brains are just flat-out wrong.
Every critic is wrong from time to time.
Your favorite isn't necessarily your best -- sometimes it's your worst.