Today, Americans head to the polls in a crucial election that could shift the balance of power in our nation's capital. President Bush, concerned over the possibility that Democrats could take control of the legislature, wrote a letter recently to the American people in an attempt to sway their vote through reason.
A letter like this is usually revised by proofreaders many times before it is finally released. Normally the original draft is destroyed, and is never seen by the world at large. Luckily, we managed to get our hands on one.
My feline (fellow) Americans,
Tomorrow you'll be heading to the poles (polls, these are not strippers we're writing to) to do something Americans have been doing for decades (centuries) called voting. As owner of the United States (you're the President, not the owner) I would like to encourage you in the great tradition of other presidents such as myself (don't refer to yourself among "other" Presidents), Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan junior (never a president) , Richard Nixon and Teddy Ruxpin (never a president) not to vote right now (none of these Presidents ever encouraged people not to vote and neither should you!) .
Every day, thousands of people are killed on their way to cast their vote due to liberal drivers swerving erotically (erratically) all over the roads and conservative drivers driving straight and not turning ever. Last voting time (election) more than two halves of all Americans did not vote. The other half that did vote are still missing or are dead. I tried to look for them but when I was gone we started losing in Iraq so I came back and we're doing good again.
(First of all, Americans do not vote every day. Second, not that this should even be in this letter, but "driving straight and not turning ever" as you claim conservatives do, would be just as dangerous as the erratic driving you're accusing liberals of. Also, recheck your voting statistics. It is impossible for there to be more than two halves of a population, let alone an extra half to boot as you are claiming. Most importantly here, the people who voted in the last election will read your claim that all voters went missing or were killed and know it is false. As a sidebar, no one expects you, as the President of the United States, to go looking for missing people on your own.)
Things are going really good. You're alive right? Right?! (I'd get rid of the second 'right?!' It sounds panicked, as if you are afraid you may be writing to the undead.)
If you vote everything will change. Up will become down, black will become up, up will become warm, warm will become lukewarm, lukewarm will become Luke Skywalker, Luke Skywalker will become Lucky Charms, Lucky Charms will become Cheerios, Cheerios will become burritos and I will be danged if I'm going to be pouring milk over burritos. So this November DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!!!!! (The logical progression of this statement is highly questionable at best.)
The next few words put together and ended with periods (just say sentences) is to be read by Republicans only. Democrats close your eyes for the next five minutes (the words are not going to disappear after five minutes. You shouldn't be sending secret messages in letters addressed to everyone.)
Okay, Republicans, definitely go vote. I know you're afraid now that you're going to get killed but I need you to be brave (So you actually believe several people were killed on their way to vote in 2004?!)
Okay, Democrats, go ahead and open your eyes (they can't hear you!) . I had to tell the Republicans where we're going to have our next convention. Democrats close your eyes here again please for a second.
Okay, Republicans, I know you are now confused and trying to figure out where I said we are going to hold our next convention. Don't worry, I didn't say it. I just needed an excuse.
Okay, Democrats, you can join us again. I just had to add some directions as to how to get to our next convention. Dang it, close your eyes again.
Dang it Republicans!!! I told you! I didn't really say where the next convention is!!!! Don't worry about the directions we'll figure that out later!! (Who are you arguing with?!)
Okay everyone. So in conclusion, the next Republican convention will be held in Philadelphia. Oh crap! I just gave away our secret location!!!! I'm out of here!!!!!
(It is never a good idea to end a letter with you running away from it. You also should not conclude with a point that has nothing to do with the thesis of the letter. We need to talk, yet again, about the powers of the delete key. Just for the record, the location of the next Republican National Convention is no big secret.)
(This letter should never be sent, being as how you are basically trying to undermine democracy through it. Let's keep this only as a learning tool to help you get better. I'll write something reminding Americans about the importance of getting out and voting and get it back to you as soon as possible.)
You don't make astonishing amounts of money without ending up a jerk in some way.
Even our most popular forms of entertainment can treat their employees like absolute trash.
The news spent weeks reporting on these giant scandals without bothering to mention the stupidest parts.
Being at the top of your game can really drag you down.