Hey there, Republican candidate! It' your President-in-Chief, George W. Bush!
As you may or may not know, election day is fast approaching. If you're not familiar, it' this holiday a couple days after Halloween which is actually a lot like Halloween, only instead of going to parties and pretending to be ghosts, the American people go into a small booth and pretend to have a say in what happens to our country. It' really adorable if you think about it.
Anyways, the American people will make decisions based on things that they call issues. These are basically different things that people care a whole lot about. Here's how to come down on the biggest of the bunch.
My administration has long utilized the basic public policy of countering terrorist tactics with the only tried-and-true method: Freak everyone the fuck out.
We have done a decent job so far of making sure that people have a consistently high level of suspicion when it comes to the Islamofascist ArabNazis. But we could be doing more. Sure, we have a color-coded terror alert system, but using cooler colors like green and blue belies the real situation. Here's something that I will be introducing towards the middle of October that I think is more appropriate:
Posting the military and the National Guard at the border? Tried it. Didn't work. A fence? That'll work great if you want to keep gophers out of your tomato plants, not migrant workers out of the job garden. Amnesty? More like shamnesty. (I got my speechwriters to make that up for me. All of you should start using it immediately.) Letting crazy guys just roam around Arizona with automatic weapons? Fun, but not super-effective.
No, there is only one solution to our immigration problem. I'm thinking we dig like, a big trench there and cover it up with some grass and dirt and stuff so they'll just run right in, and then we put a big net down there. Maybe one that's sticky like a spider's web so they can't move.
We could even get that M. Night Shyamalan fella' Dick thinks is a terrorist to cook up some spooky spider suits and scare the immigrants out of their wits. Soon, America would stop being known as the land of "back breaking, soul withering opportunity" and start being known as the "tierra de fuego" which is Spanish for the land of the giant terrifying spiders.
Bring up the economy to just about anyone who keeps up with the stock market or who lost their job recently and all you hear is whine, whine, whine, fiscal responsibility, trade deficit, national debt, I can't feed my family.
Well, folks, the solution has been under our noses all along. Candidates, listen up, because apparently this is some huge secret. There's a building, right here in Washington where they print money. No fucking joke, they just make all the money they want there. It's called the US Mint and Geordi showed me how they do it in a confidential briefing code named Reading Rainbow
. So why don't we just go over there and start printing some damn money? Shit, it's not like this is rocket science or anything. There's a building where they make money. Let's go to that building. Let' make some money. Problems solved.
How am I the only person who's noticed this? This will play big, guys. I've got Karl putting together some stuff for you on this, so stay tuned.