A Letter From President Bush to Kim Jong-Il

The North Korean missile crisis has dominated the news in recent days. President Bush recently sent a letter to North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-Il condemning his nation' nuclear tests. Most don't realize that such a letter goes through a "presidential proofreader" before being sent. The proofreader checks for grammatical, factual and logical errors and returns the letter to the President. Normally, that draft is never seen again. However, through a stroke of luck, we got our hands on a copy of the original letter written by President Bush to Kim Jong-Il. Below is the first draft of President Bush' letter, with the proofreader' original comments in bold.

Dear Kim Jong-Il,

What' up, not much. (This is a very confusing greeting. Are you asking him what' up and then answering the question for him? Are you anticipating him wanting to know what' up with you, so you are prematurely answering the question? If that is the case, 'not much' would not be an accurate answer, being as how you're about to discuss a major world crisis. Regardless, this is far too informal of a greeting to send a brutal dictator with whom you are supposed to be angry.)

A bunch of people told me you got a nuclear bomb. That' cool, we got him too (bombs are not gender specific) . Did you ever see World War Too (incorrect spelling)? That one big bomb was us (dropped by us) . In case you don't know which one I'm talking about it' that one that we dropped back when it was black and white outside. (First change; get rid of the 'a bunch of people told me"¦' This information did not come to you through the rumor mill. Second, the whole reason you're writing this letter is to point out that you are not happy that North Korea has the bomb, remember? Therefore, it would not be considered 'cool' by you that he has a nuclear weapon. Third, he is well aware that the United States has nuclear weapons, so you're not telling him anything new. I would also get rid of all of the references to World War II. I'm sure he knows about Hiroshima and Nagasaki, but just so you know, it was never 'black and white outside.' The footage you see is black and white because it was shot before the days of color film.)

Wait a second!!!! It is not cool that you have a bomb!!! Not cool!! Who taught you how to make it?! Was it President Clintin???? (spelling error/over-punctuation). Did you here (incorrect spelling) about him and the cable girl when he was president? They totally did stuff together in the White House, where I live! Oh, did you here

(incorrect spelling, again) about that one congress guy and those pages? Like, not like paper pages but like teen pages. Boy teen pages. Sick! (Alright, so you realize in this paragraph your error of stating that it is cool that North Korea has the bomb, so why not just delete the paragraph before it? Also, Kim Jong-Il himself did not make the bomb. When you ask him who taught him, it makes the United States seem like it is out of touch, especially with your suggestion that an ex-president may have helped. This paragraph then completely loses focus and goes off on a tangent having nothing to do with nuclear weapons. I'm sure Kim Jong-Il is not interested in gossip, especially outdated gossip. For the record, it was an intern, not a 'cable girl' with whom President Clinton had an affair. You should also be aware that those in congress are called Congressmen, not 'congress guys.')

Why do you and South Korea got to be two different nations? Why can't you just be one cool nation? (This sentence has to go. Not only does it completely wander from the theme of the letter, which should be urgent, focused and pressing, it makes it seem as if you have no knowledge of history or politics.)

YOUR COUNTRY IS VERY"¦"¦. WAIT, WHAT'S WRONG? WHY CAN'T THESE CAPITAL LETTERS TURN OFF? AHHHHHHHHH WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHY IS IT DOING THIS? HANG ON, SORRY I GOT TO GET HELP. OKAY SOMEONE'S COMING. JERRY'S GONNA BE DOWN HERE. DO YOU KNOW JERRY? HE'S THAT GUY WHO FIXES COMPUTERS HERE WITH THE GLASSES AND THE MOUSTACHE. HE'S A TOTAL GEEK. HE SHOULD BE HERE SOON. SO HOW YOU DOING? OH, HERE HE COMES. Ah, that' better he fixed it. I think he' mad that he saw that I called him a geek to you, but whatever.

(Mister President, do you realize that you can delete things using a computer? This paragraph, again, could just have been deleted. Also, a letter is not like a phone call. If you set it aside for a while, you're not leaving him hanging, so there is no need to apologize, or make small talk.)

So anyway, stop making bombs filled with nuclear weapons. Did you see what I did to Iraq? I just pretended they had nuclear weapons and look what happened? (no need for a question mark here) I ruined that country for everyone. Could be your country too dude, I'm just saying.

Love, (inappropriate salutation given the situation)

George W. Bush Jr. (You've never referred to yourself as a junior, why are you starting now?)

(Bragging about what is happening in Iraq would be a poor political move. Also, admitting you 'pretended' they had nuclear weapons would create a public uproar. You should also ease off your threat, and lay off on referring to a country' leader as 'dude.')

(While this needs a lot of work, I am happy with the improvement I am seeing. You seem to have a better command of the spell check and I am impressed that you resisted the use of the 'wing dings' font this time. I will work on a new draft and get it back to you.)