Hi, I'm sorry to bother — Oh my god, are you Steven Seagal? Wow, Steven Seagal. Cool.
Yes, your "dojo" is very cool.
Well, I'm kind of in a hurry, so I'll take a pass on the tour. I'm just in the middle of a round of golf here, which is kind of why I rang the bell. I think I hit my golf ball into your living room.
No, actually, we have four people already. We've already teed off for the day.
We usually play "winter rules." You know, you can roll the ball if it' in the fairway, but not if it' in the rough. But that' not the point. I really need to get my golf ball. Everyone is waiting for me.
Um, well, I'm about 10 handicap or so, but I haven't been playing enough lately to keep that kind of pace. But, I think that my golf ball just went through your living room window back there. If you could just go get it Ã¢â‚¬"
No, I agree. The ponytail still looks awesome. How do you keep the hair on top slicked back so well?
Mousse? Really? I would have never guessed that. I would have thought hair spray. That' usually what gets those tight lines like that. Speaking of tight lines, my golf ball was on a tight line to your living room window. Is it in there?
Um, yeah, I guess it does still look like it did when you were in Out for Justice.
Me? No, I probably wouldn't look too good with a ponytail. My wife hates long hair.
No, no. On my head.
Yeah, I do remember Under Siege. It was all right, I guess.
What' that? Oh, that was a line from the movie. Right, I get it. You're "acting." That' great. Listen, man, I really need to get going. I think my golf ball is in your living room.
Sure, I'm not going to kill you because you're "hard to kill." That' very funny.
Well, I don't really have any of my stuff with me right now, but I guess I could go back to the hotel and put together an overnight bag, if you really want me to stay over. But right now, I just need my golf ball. It' in your living room and if you could just let me in there. What are you doing with your hands?
Yes, of course I know that you know martial arts. Yes, I know that the accent should be on the last syllable of kara-TE. Can you stop with the slow motion hand movements for one second please? I need to get into your living room.
Why? I, um, want to watch one of your movies. Yeah, I definitely don't want to get my golf ball. Why don't you go make some popcorn and stay away from the living room and I'll be there when you're done?
Great. See you in five minutes.
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
A good horror story is hard to pull off.
All commercials are a least a little weird.
These actions stars were so bad at being badass, they were just ass.