Character: Mini-Me (Verne Troyer)
Why:Because this one should have been in the works long before Verne Troyer's popularity doubled after urinating on the floor of the The Surreal Life house while naked on a scooter in front of Peter Brady. Oh, also, because midgets are funny.
Pitch: Tired of being in Powers' shadow (mostly because its freezing there for a little guy), Mini-Me heads out on his own adventure. He befriends a mute Asian street corner newspaper peddler and a stripper with a heart of gold. Literally-its made of gold and, as such, her pimp, played by Dave Chappelle, is stone cold after the bitch. A Christmas Day release.
Character: Rain Man (Dustin Hoffman)
Why:Okay, so maybe it doesn't necessarily qualify as a spin-off if the titular character from the first one is the star of the second. However, the problem with the first Rain Man was that, despite the fact that Hoffman's performance was clearly the backbone of the film, the studio decided to focus the film on the bankable Hollywood star. Lose Cruise, lose that foreign chick who disappeared after
Pitch: In one, Dustin Hoffman's savant goes toe-to-toe in a math-off with Matt Damon's Will Hunting. In another, Rain Man's math skills are matched up against Forrest Gump's skill of being lucky and reciting metaphors that sound clever but are pretty much completely worthless.
Character: Jay (Jason Mewes)
Why:Kevin Smith has all but admitted to needing some dough, and based on the mediocre box office reports for Clerks II, it looks like the only kind he's going to have around will be located around his buddy Ben Affleck's belly. Basically, since we know Smith's going to eventually go to the well again, might as well do it right. Jason Mewes, wasted on black tar or not, is hysterical no matter what he says or does and Silent Bob has always been such a head-scratcher that we needed three stitches up top after Jay and Silent Bob Go to Hollywood.
Pitch: Fuck Silent Bob, fuck Dante and fuck cameos by B-Affs. Let's do all Jay, nothing but Jay. Knock him off the wagon if you have to.
Character: Chazz Reinhold (Will Ferrell)
Why:His uncredited cameo at the end of Crashers is probably the best work he's put in since Anchorman. Playing the Yoda of crashers, the cameo gave Ferrell the freedom to play a complete lunatic for the first time since his SNL days. In a film full of amazing quotes, "Mom! Meatloaf! FUCK!" might just be the finest.
Pitch: Funeral Crasher (the inevitable title) can even begin with a cameo by Owen Wilson, but not Vince Vaughn, as it would be his character's funeral they'd be attending. Who could possibly argue that that crazy bitch he ran off with in the end wouldn't kill him some day? Or her psychotic brother?
Character: Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell (Vince Vaughn)
Why:We were happy to hear reports that an Old School sequel is in the works, so we don't want to be looking a gift horse in the mouth, but could we please drop the ruse that fucking Luke Wilson was the star of Old School? Why was the least funny, least talented of the three main stars given the most screen time? Would anyone object if Luke Wilson dropped off the face of the earth, and all of his forthcoming roles were split between his brother Owen and his cousin Dwight Schrute?
Pitch: Hey, we don't frivolously kill off Vince Vaughn without good reason or without making it right. Double V is back in Old School 2, divorced and having taken over as the school' dean. The debauchery, needless to say, is full-throttle. You'll still see his parental side, as he gets weekends with his now grade school-aged sons, who can put a damper on some of his partying. But you'd be surprised at how quickly a 6-year-old can learn to work a keg.
Character: Brick Tamland (Steve Carell)
Why:While Carell's news anchor in Bruce Almighty was hilarious, his turn as Brick "I Love Lamp" Tamland might be the single funniest performance he, or anyone else, has turned in over the past five years.
Pitch: The film follows Tamland' rise to become a speech writer for George W. Bush.
Vinnie Penn had his own morning radio show in Connecticut for 10 years, has written for and guest-starred on The Howard Stern Show, and can presently be heard on several different Sirius Satellite Radio channels, the all-comedy Raw Dog channel chief among them. An accomplished writer, he' had two long-running newspaper columns (one on music, the other a humor column), published a best-selling joke book and recently contributed the short story "Diary of a Superhero" to the Contemporary Press Anthology, Danger City.
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