|Dame Judi Dench, Mrs Henderson Presents Dench plays a woman who renovates an old London theater in order to put on all-nude reviews. (And yes, my penis just retracted into my abdomen thinking about that. -Jay)|
|Felicity Huffman, Transamerica Huffman portrays Bree Osborne, a man who’s not yet a woman, but already a father. Huffman is up for the award for having the guts to be really f*****g ugly on screen. (And again: Penis. Abdomen. Zoot! -Jay)|
|Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line Witherspoon pauses in her busy schedule of throwing half-empty cans of Pabst at effete husband Ryan Phillipe just long enough to warble "Ring of Fire" and wipe Joaquin Phoenix's spittle off her face.|
|Charlize Theron, North Country Theron plays Josey Aimes, a female coal miner who filed the first successful sexual harassment suit in U.S. history. A heavily fictionalized account, since girls are notoriously bad at "mining coal," if you know what I mean. (I mean ass sex).|
|Keira Knightley, Pride & Prejudice As Elizabeth Bennet, Knightley's tightly corseted form did an outstanding performance in Jane Austen's heartwarming date movie, I'm Going to This Because You Promised Me a b*****b.|
WHO OUGHTTA WIN
Karla: Oscar loves it when pretty girls get all fat and uggo for a statue. Since Charlize only got a little dusty, Felicity Huffman should take it for portraying the ass-ugliest woman-playing-a-man-playing-a-woman in history. Look for Witherspoon's Ryan Phillipe to moistly pout and glower at the camera after the announcement.
Jay: You're so good at this. See, I told you you'd be able to offer a perspective on the female categories that I'd be unable to.
Karla: You just don't care, do you?
Jay: I'm far too drunk to answer that question.
Karla: Your pick?
Jay: Cillian Murphy, Batman Begins. Not technically a woman in the genitals-sense. But he can act the s**t out of Dame Judi Dench, and he's so, so pretty.
Your tender eyes make my fluttering heart soar, Cillian. Your gaze is like a rainbow that ends in my pants.
Karla: This explains so much.
Jay: Oh Cillian...