How to Know What You're Getting for Christmas

Listen to What your Parents Say
You can pick up clues as to what you're getting by listening to things that your parents say. For instance, if your mom says, "I hope you like what I made you for Christmas," then it' probably not going to be anything you asked for. However, if she says, "Your father only hears what he wants to hear. I bet that bastard doesn't even know what you wanted for Christmas. Does he ever talk about me on his weekends with you?" then you're probably getting something from your wish list.

If your parents say, "Why do we need gifts? We have the greatest gift anyone could ask for: each other," then your family is poor. You're probably not getting much of anything. Speaking of which, it would really lighten the financial burden if you just ran away from home.
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And if your parents say things like, "Let's go out for Chinese food instead of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ," then your parents are Jewish and you are not getting any Christmas presents. Not only do your people celebrate a different holiday (Hanukkah), your parents also don't like to spend money.

Observe the Shape of your Presents
Okay, so you found your parents' stash but the gifts are already wrapped. A lot of times, you can tell what the gift is just by looking at the shape of the present. For instance, if it' the size and shape of a baseball bat, and you asked for a baseball bat, then it' probably a baseball bat. Or if it' large and conical and the Christmas tree is missing, then your father probably got drunk and wrapped the Christmas tree again.
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If your present is long, cylindrical and hollow, then you're probably just looking at a roll of wrapping paper and mistaking it for a present. In this case, you may be legally retarded. You should stop looking for your gifts because your parents are probably just going to wrap something that they find around the house. Remember the bottle of Pert Plus you liked so much last year? Expect more of the same.

Monitor the Sounds your Presents Make
Shaking presents offers a great clue as to what' inside. If you shake your present and hear a meow, then it' probably the kitten that you asked for. If you shake your present and don't hear anything, then you shook the present too hard and your kitten is dead. Either that, or you're deaf. Or it's not a kitten. But odds are, you're holding a dead kitten.