You sometimes get poor cell phone reception.
Most likely caused by transmissions from Axl Rose's privately-owned secret satellite that he uses to monitor you because he is your real dad and he loves you and wants to keep tabs on you at all times. Even in the cold November rain. And yes, "November Rain" is probably about you, too.
You experience unexplained blackouts or time loss.
Those lapses in your memory are probably times that Axl Rose took you to a ball game and then hugged you and let you call him "Pa," but your subconscious erased the memory because it was just too f*****g awesome for your conscious mind to handle.
Court-ordered paternity tests proved that neither "Macho Man" Randy Savage, Snake Plissken, or Matthew McConaughey are your real dad.
It's called "Process of Elimination."
One time, you had this really weird dream.
It was about how Axl Rose came to your high school and told everybody he was your real dad and then your fake dad showed up and Axl Rose hit him in the face with a folding chair and then stood over your fake dad's prone form shrieking "Welcome to the jungle, baby! You gonna die!" and then he totally had sex with your mom while everyone cheered. Possibly a secret message transmitted to your brain from Axl Rose's aforementioned satellite.
You spent $38,000 on a life-sized replica doll with over 100 points of articulation custom made to look, feel, and smell exactly like Axl Rose.
And when you position its arms to gently hold you, no place in the world feels safer.
You own the only known hard copy of Chinese Democracy.
And there's a note on the cover, written in permanent marker, reading: Hey bud, enough f*****g around. I'm your dad, okay? Love, Daddy Axl.
Recommended For Your Pleasure
Being at the top of your game can really drag you down.
Sometimes our big, dumb brains are just flat-out wrong.
- By Mark Hill
- June 17, 2019
Every critic is wrong from time to time.
- By Dan Hopper
- June 20, 2019
Your favorite isn't necessarily your best -- sometimes it's your worst.