Scott McClellan's First Day Back at Home

"I will be resigning as White House Press Secretary"¦I've been in this position a long time, and my wife and I are excited about beginning the next chapter in our life together."
-Scott McClellan, April 19, 2006

Good morning, Jill. Okay, honey. First, I'll be reading a brief statement pertaining to your lack of emotional support during the last several weeks, and then I'll take your questions.

First, it is grossly irresponsible for you to criticize Mr. McClellan's lawn-mowing abilities during a time of crisis. Not only does it call into question the bold and selfless commitment he has made to maintaining the lawn, but it also emboldens those who would seek to threaten its security. Namely, the dog from next door and probably James Carville.
Continue Reading Below

Also, Mr. McClellan regrets that the conversation regarding lawn maintenance turned to more inappropriate subjects, such as his sexual prowess.

As for the accusation that Mr. McClellan did not remember his anniversary because of the unfathomably demanding duties of his former position, those allegations are absolutely false. I will not comment further on the allegations at this time, as they are part of an ongoing investigation.

Mr. McClellan also continues to stand by his claim that the toilet in the guest bedroom is on the path to being fixed. As we all know, the toilet poses a grave threat to the stability of the third floor' plumbing network as well as that of the entire house. Does the toilet leak? Yes. But to imply that Mr. McClellan does not have a plan to stop the leaking is simply inaccurate. The plan is a good one and a well-thought-out one. We are following that plan, and we intend to keep following it until the toilet is fixed.
Continue Reading Below

In conclusion, Mr. McClellan is a man of great character and good heart, and he is in no way "emotionally distant" or "condescending," as some people in this room have falsely claimed. In the spirit of the American people, Mr. McClellan refuses to stand idly by as rogue members of this marriage seek to besmirch his stellar record of lawn maintenance, his robust history of anniversary celebration and his unyielding resolve to fix the leaky toilet. Thank you.

Okay, I'll take your questions now. Let's see"¦ Jill, honey?

No, Jill. I do not think I'm behaving ridiculously. If anything-and I'd encourage you to look at the facts here-we're making significant progress on the toilet problem. What you're not hearing are the positive aspects of the situation. For example, two of yesterday' five test flushes were more or less successful. Unfortunately, the only thing that some people want to focus on is the three inches of filthy water currently flooding the bathroom floor and the fact that I wasn't aware that a necktie is not a flushable item. Those people are not seeing the full picture.
Continue Reading Below

Next question please. Okay"¦ Jill again.

Jill, the remark I allegedly made about your mother is part of an ongoing investigation and as such I will not comment on it. Well, then you shouldn't have commented on my performance in the bedroom.
Continue Reading Below

What? Jill, I really can't comment. Because it's an ongoing investigation, that's why. Yes there is an investigation-it's ongoing. How could it be ongoing if it didn't even exist? See?

Let's move on please. Next question.

Yes, I know there are only two of us in the kitchen, Jill, but this is the format. Yes, I do have to wear a suit around the house, Jill. I can only take your questions one at a time, honey. Do you have a question? Okay, fine. Good. Let's hear it.

That's preposterous. I am not "drained" and I do not need to "rest." You're only saying that because you're jealous that my resolve is so steadfast. Well, I'd be happy to look into "resting" if I thought it was appropriate, but I'm not going to comment beyond that at the present time.

Oh, very mature, Jill. Just get up and walk away! Go ahead, Jill! Fine!

Okay, next question"¦ Next question?