"I will be resigning as White House Press Secretary"Â¦I've been in this position a long time, and my wife and I are excited about beginning the next chapter in our life together."
-Scott McClellan, April 19, 2006
Good morning, Jill. Okay, honey. First, I'll be reading a brief statement pertaining to your lack of emotional support during the last several weeks, and then I'll take your questions.
First, it is grossly irresponsible for you to criticize Mr. McClellan's lawn-mowing abilities during a time of crisis. Not only does it call into question the bold and selfless commitment he has made to maintaining the lawn, but it also emboldens those who would seek to threaten its security. Namely, the dog from next door and probably James Carville.
Also, Mr. McClellan regrets that the conversation regarding lawn maintenance turned to more inappropriate subjects, such as his sexual prowess.
As for the accusation that Mr. McClellan did not remember his anniversary because of the unfathomably demanding duties of his former position, those allegations are absolutely false. I will not comment further on the allegations at this time, as they are part of an ongoing investigation.
Mr. McClellan also continues to stand by his claim that the toilet in the guest bedroom is on the path to being fixed. As we all know, the toilet poses a grave threat to the stability of the third floor' plumbing network as well as that of the entire house. Does the toilet leak? Yes. But to imply that Mr. McClellan does not have a plan to stop the leaking is simply inaccurate. The plan is a good one and a well-thought-out one. We are following that plan, and we intend to keep following it until the toilet is fixed.