MATCHUP #1: MASTER EMBEZZLER
Politician: REP. WILLIAM JEFFERSON
Celebrity: HEATHER MILLS
Jefferson and Mills each have pretty decent breasts, but only one has
been able to use them extort boatloads of cash from an aging Beatle. Unless,
of course, you consider the Federal Government to be an aging Beatle.
In June 2002, the 39-year-old former model married 64-year-old Paul McCartney-a
man who' three stops outside of Coffinville on the Adult Diaper
Express-but separated from him less than four years later, setting
herself up to receive a settlement close to a gazillion dollars.
But although Mills clearly married for money (which she'll likely
collect soon), at least McCartney got a faceful of model mam in return
for his cash. The citizens of these United States, on the other hand,
got nothing in return from Jefferson, who is alleged to have received
over $400,000 in bribes, and was reportedly videotaped by the FBI receiving
a briefcase holding $100,000 in 2005. ($90,000 of it was recovered in
his freezer when the FBI raided his home.)
Still, at least he didn't use sorely needed National Guard troops
and helicopters for his personal protection in during Hurricane Katrina'
aftermath. Wait, he did? Oh man, that' low-even lower than
bank-account-raping one of the Beatles.
MATCHUP #2: BORDERLINE SOCIOPATH
Politician: VICE PRES. DICK CHENEY
Celebrity: RUSSEL CROWE
There are the obvious points to be made: Cheney mistook that old dude'
face for a pigeon, and Crowe Naomi-Campbelled a Manhattan hotel employee.
But more interesting is the two men' striking level of comfort
while acting like bloodthirsty maniacs, compared to their awkward level
of discomfort while acting like normal, nonviolent human beings. Crowe,
for example, has been praised for roles as a savage killer in Gladiator,
a hard-case boxer in Cinderella Man and a schizophrenic in A Beautiful
Mind, but has screwed the pooch in films not based on attempted murder,
like A Good Year.
Similarly, Cheney is in his element when discussing "the stomach
for the fight" or when telling Democrats to "go fuck"
themselves. But watching him discuss his sensitive relationship with vagina-preferring
daughter Mary is like watching a Rottweiler interact with a Care Bears
coloring book. The clincher: The vast majority of the physical violence
that Crowe' responsible for is fictional; with Cheney, not so much
(just Google "Iraq").