John Kreese Eulogizes Mr. Miyagi

Before I start, I just want to thank Daniel for the kind words he just spoke. I think it's clear to everyone here that you cared a lot about Mr. Miyagi, Daniel. Like, a LOT. Hey, friends and family, quick show of hands: when you guys were in high school, how many of you were best friends with a septuagenarian war veteran? None? Yeah me neither. No, but seriously Daniel, you and Mr. Miyagi's friendship was beautiful in a completely non-creepy way.

By the way, I didn't see your wife walk into the church with you. She out parking the car? Oh, you're still single? Well, we're all very surprised.

Anyhow, I guess everyone's wondering why I showed up today. I'll admit it- Mr. Miyagi and I didn't always see eye to eye. Hell, he beat up a couple of Cobra Kai students one Halloween.
Continue Reading Below

Advertisement



A quick aside here: now that enough time has passed to get a little perspective, Cobra Kai wasn't the friendliest name for a place of learning for young people, was it? I mean, for a business model based on the recruiting of children, Cobra Kai misses the mark by quite a large margin.

Oh well, live and learn.

Anyways, I always admired the fire in Miyagi's belly. Hell, if I hadn't respected the little p***k so much, I probably wouldn't have spent the better part of my life laying out intricate plans to sabotage him and Daniel. Please don't misunderstand me here. By sabotage, I refer only to vandalism and intimidation.
Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement



Oh and murder. Yeah we tried to murder them both. A couple times actually. An amateur karate tournament was at stake, people!

Anyhow, that brings me to the reason I'm here today. Why we're all here. Mr. Miyagi is dead.

It's a lot like one of those Japanese proverbs he was always quoting. You can spend your whole life looking for something and realize it's right there under your nose the whole time. Well, I spent years trying to punch this little f****r's head through car windows and then a couple of days ago I wake up and in my lap is the very thing I was looking for all along: the ability to stand over Mr. Miyagi's lifeless body and laugh.
Continue Reading Below

Advertisement



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Hey Miyagi: Cobra Kai never dies. You know what does die though? Slopes.

Hey, I've got an exercise for you Miyagi: BREATH IN, BREATH OUT! Not gonna be so good at that one anymore, are ya?

Just one last thing before I go: my new dojo will be opening Monday and offering free lessons for the first two weeks. You hear me LaRusso? I'm gonna open up dojo's all over the Valley! You don't stand a chance!

Valid point, I guess your having just turned 43 might disqualify you from competing in the All Valley Karate Tournament.

Well, maybe now that you aren't an old Japanese man's houseboy, the ladies might stop getting the "wrong idea." And when your ugly beard of a wife craps out a couple kids, rest assured that my students and I will be waiting.
To turn on reply notifications, click here

4 Comments

Load Comments

More Articles

5 Screwed-Up Secrets The Ultra-Rich Don't Want You To Know

You don't make astonishing amounts of money without ending up a jerk in some way.

231

6 Very Stupid Questions With Very Smart Answers

No serious person would ask these questions ... but we got serious answers anyway.

135

5 Underreported Dumb Annoyances Pro Athletes Put Up With

Being at the top of your game can really drag you down.

131

4 Horrible Biases That Are Baked Into Everybody's Brain

Sometimes our big, dumb brains are just flat-out wrong.

163

5 Acts Of Charity That Went Horrendously Wrong

The road to losing your tax exemption status is paved with good intentions.

108