Usually, they'll comply without a problem, but if they ever give me any guff, I just start yelling, "I'm the President of America, douche-box! Haven't you ever read the Constitution?"
Even more fun than that, though, is messing with other politicians. A couple of days ago, I busted into Congress in my President outfit and yelled, "I hereby demand that you make a law requiring that every dildo sold in America come coated in earwax and blessed with a kiss by Stevie Nicks!"
All of the congressmen and congresswomen were so grossed out, they barfed up the babies they'd eaten for breakfast. Then, to top it off, I made them use fountain pens full of their own puke to write the law.
Last night, when I got back to LA, I dressed up like Woody Harrelson and showed up high as balls to a Woody Harrelson fan-club meeting. The girls there freaked out so much when they saw me that I was standing ankle-deep in their pee in no time.
So I asked, "Who's the biggest Woody Harrelson fan here?"
They all started screaming, but I could see it in the eyes of this one girl, that she was the true biggest fan. Her name was Becky.
"Becky," I said, "if you really love me, you'll come with me to the Red Roof Inn and get buck-wild nasty with me."
So, we went to the Red Roof Inn, put our naked butts against each other and pooped into each other's buttholes, back and forth until our two poops were one. It was so romantic that Becky died.
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