CRACKED's CelebScoop!

Where's Suri?

Sources say that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have a good reason for keeping their new baby Suri under wraps. Speculation is that the baby is really a lizard creature from the Arkalon 7 galaxy light years beyond our own galaxy. Scientology scientists are on the case, but the news provides much-needed relief by dispelling the rumors that the Cruise fed the baby to Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard.

Proud Parents!

Speaking of babies who were born into what should be a life of luxury but for whose safety we fear daily, Brit and K-Fed recently entered their own bundle of joy into a dog-fighting competition in Guatemala. The baby came in fourth, and the couple is expected to give birth to a replacement in the coming months.

Post-nuptial Bliss

If you're Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock, how do you follow up your bikini-clad wedding? By taking matching chili-infused dumps on each other's stomachs in Tijuana.

Lindsay Speaks Out!

Star Lindsay Lohan lashed out at critics who claim that she has a drug problem and an eating disorder through the time-tested method of emphatic denial. She did, however, later confess to being a compulsive liar as she purged four pounds of angel dust into a toilet at a trendy nightspot.

Mel's Defense

Actor/director Mel Gibson came out the latest in a line of defenses over last month's anti-Semitic rant, claiming that he wasn't really angry at Jews , and was embarrassed when he later learned that Jews are mostly Caucasian. He claimed his insane outburst was intended at people who are "less white." A Gibson spokesperson clarified the star's statement by saying " Oh, fucking Christ."

Idol Chatter

When will singing sensation Taylor Hicks drop out of the public eye and return to being that kind of autistic guy who sells insurance?

What's Next For Smith

Clerks 2 director Kevin Smith has revealed his next project. According to sources, the director will get really stoned and eat a piece of fudge as big as his head. Long-time collaborator Jason Mewes is slated to assist on the project by huffing paint for 18 hours straight.

Where's Suvari?

Whatever happened to American Beauty star Mena Suvari? Did she ever get those weird nipples of hers fixed?

The Scarlett Letters

What hot gossip columnist keeps mailing Zip-Loc bags of semen to hot starlet Scarlett Johansson? Let's just say I hope the LAPD doesn't come around asking me for a sample.

Jennifer Getting Hitched?

File under breaking news: former Friends star Jennifer Aniston is once again engaged to a new beau. And in more breaking news, she's just been dumped again. Wow. She must be some sort of crazy bitch or something.

Bold Declarations

Sometimes when I write this column , I'm not sure which words I should bold-face and which I should leave in regular font. When it gets too confusing, I just do it at random.

Heche Helps Out!

Though former N*SYNC star Lance Bass continues to tell the media and the public that he's gay, former headline-maker Anne Heche has offered words of encouragement, suggesting that he's just "going through a phase that will end when his career unstalls."

Red Carpet Thrills!

Who was that turning heads at the recent preview of The Wicker Man? None other that a homeless man dressed in Glad Bags, who made a scene by urinating on star Nicolas Cage's shoes.

Cheating Heart!

Your husband, disillusioned with your miserable life together and the way you've let yourself go, is currently bending his secretary over his desk and totally boning her.

Where's Nolte?

Isn't it about time for another Nick Nolte D.U.I.? How about Jack Nicholson, then?

Box-Office Bloom

News hitting the Hollywood streets reveals that superstar Orlando Bloom has signed on for eight new projects, all of which you will see because you are a fucking sheep.

Still Alive!

Defying the odds, one-time megastar Liz Taylor continues to cling to life much as a remora does a shark. Concerned Hollywoodites have suggested on many occasions that it may be time for Liz to give up the ghost , as she looks really terrible now.

Also Ugly

Speaking of people who look really terrible, who the hell let Kelly Osbourne into show business and what can we do to get her out?

Paris and Nicole, Together Again?

Recent rumors suggest that celeb Paris Hilton may be ready to patch things up with former friend Nicole Ritchie. What the hell kind of world do you live in where this is newsworthy? What has happened over the course of your sad existence that would ever make you care?
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