We can't understand why celebrities never answer our calls. We call them upwards of eighty times a day, and we know they're home because we can see them through our binoculars. So while we can't offer you any celebrity interviews, we can proudly offer some exclusive insight into their lives from the recorded messages we listen to each time we get their answering machines.
What up? K-Fed here. If this is about the ad in the Penny Saver, then this is your lucky day, ‘cuz the sex swing IS still available. It's in primo shape, too—hardly any skank stains on it at all. I'm only letting it go so cheap ‘cuz it's got a lot of bad memories for me and I want to make a clean break with the past, you know? So leave your name and the digits and I'll get back to you about it. I've also got some gravity boots and a gold-plated trailer hitch I could be persuaded to part with, if you're interested. I’m out.
This is Kanye. Is this the Nobel Prize Committee? If not, why the fuck not? That chemistry prize is MINE, you dig? NOBODY deserves that motherfucker more than me. I am ALL OVER that chemistry shit. So y'all better get it together before I come on up to Sweden or wherever the fuck you're at and bust your stupid honky asses all over the snow, you feel me?
Angelina Jolie's Son
Hello. My name's Maddox. I'm five years old. Will you help me? The balloon-lipped lady who calls herself my mommy is crazy. She told me that if I don't learn how to work with the camera soon, she'll give me to Pete Townshend and adopt another Cambodian baby to take my place. I don't want to go to Pete Townshend! Please help me!
Hello? Hello? FUCK YOU! FUCK ALL OF YOU, YOU FUCKERS! FUCK YOU AND—what's that, sweety? No, mommy's busy right now. Why? Mommy has to leave her message on the phone. So the fuckers will know what to do when they call and mommy's not home, that's why. Why do you have to ask so many fucking questions, anyway? I'm not Jesus. Now bring mommy her pills. I said NOW, you little shit!
Hey, this is O.J. Simpson. I'm not here right now, so leave a message. Seriously, I’m not here. Why would I lie? But if I WAS here, I'd probably be watching TV with my kids, Tubby and What's-Her-Face. But that's all hypothetical, you understand? So leave a message and I'll call you back.
This is Snipes. Gonna be outta the country for a little while. Could be a LONG while, actually. How long does that statute of limitations thing last, anyway? But hey, if this is urgent—say, you really need a brother who can sorta act, and can make that kung fu shit look half decent as long as there ain't no Asians on screen at the same time—try Mario Van Peebles. I don't know his number, but just stand on any street corner in Hollywood and holler his name. He'll hear you.
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