To Whom It May Concern;
I had this letter drafted in the hope that it would quell the recent controversy surrounding my new prospective mother — Madonna. Everyone is all up in arms wondering whether or not she is getting preferential treatment while trying to adopt me. You know what? Maybe she is. I mean, she' Madonna! She has always been "talented" at "convincing" people to do all kinds of stuff (that means she fucks them.) But let me ask a question: Wouldn't you all rather have her spending her time adopting negro babies then recording? Or worse yet — acting? Exactly.
More importantly, I'm cool with it. Really, I am. As a matter of fact I would like to tell you what I like about my new life as opposed to living in Malawi:
I'm fucking rich now. Hello?!? I'm like rent my own island for my 18th birthday rich. Why are you people trying to fuck it up? Give Madonna a break for crying out loud. I mean she put out like 10 shitty albums in a row and no one said a word, but now you wanna stop her? Have you seen the press photos of me recently? I'm smiling my ass off. You can't fake that. I wouldn't even know how to fake it — I'm one!
Seriously, who do you think you are helping? Not me. I don't wanna go back. Let me give you a quick list off the top of my head of the things that I like to do:
Like every couple of hours. I love it. It' addictive. Everything tastes so damn good. I see how all you people get fat. Mommy fed me some of her shrimp cocktail the other day (she really has no idea what she' doing.) Those fuckers were as big as my legs. Literally, one fell in my lap and it was as big as one of my legs. Awesome.
In my new house there are 10 bathrooms, none of which have a bathtub smaller than a Buick. So mommy likes to bathe me in the sink which is all marble with gold fixtures. I'm rich now by the way.
Spectacular. I can just be sitting around anywhere and then decide to push one out and immediately somebody comes over, whips the thing off and then cleans my junk. Where do you people come up with this stuff?
Way less flies
The crawling in and out of my nose 700 times a day thing got tired about five minutes after my skull hardened. Go to Africa. You'll see.
Seeing Madonna naked like every single day
Ok, she' like 50 — but still. Damn.
Thinking about renting my own island for my eighteenth birthday
It' gonna be unbelievable. First rule: females must be naked at all times or they will be arrested (by naked female cops.) I think that will be the only rule. There' gonna be titties everywhere. Maybe I'll just buy the thing and rename it Tittie Island.
Do you really wanna deprive a boy of the dream of having his own Tittie Island? Do you? No you don't. So do the right thing and go give Angelina Jolie a hard time for a little while.
Let us pitch you a sitcom ...
Some people in entertainment don't even bother trying to come up with fresh ideas.
These stories are so weird we're not even sure Hollywood would touch them.