CRACKED: How is their relationship? Do you think they'll last?
Sean: Well, whenever we're alone, my dad tells me he's going to "break the f**k up out this b***h" as soon as he gets a thousand dollars saved up. I'm pretty sure he thinks that's a lot of money. So yeah, I sort of feel sorry for the guy. Just not sorry enough to ever forgive my mom for f**king him.
CRACKED: Hmm. Doesn't sound good.
Sean: But then he always finds a way to make good. Like the other day, he got my aunt Jaime pregnant while she was taking a nap, so he wrote my mom a song. I actually know all the words because he made me do the physical writing, as I'm the only person in the household who knows how to spell. It went:
Baby, when I think of you
I get a lump in my throat, it's true
I only hope that you
Get a throat lump too
So that I can dissolve that s**t
With the tip of my skin lozenge
He calls it "The Halls of Love." It's actually the cleverest thing he's done since I've been alive.
CRACKED: Anything else you'd like to mention?
Sean: I guess just keep your cameras on. The next time my mom tries to trade me for a drag off your cigarette, don't be shy about reporting it to the authorities, maybe getting some damning video.Hell, don't be shy about actually making the trade. I'm potty trained, and in the unlikely event that the man of your house still poops his pants, I have a proven track record of reducing that sort of behavior by half. Plus, I can sleep through anything. Throw a kegger. The nightmares will drown it out. I have this particularly bad one where my mom comes home from the club, thinks I'm a Hot Pocket and drops me in the deep fryer.
CRACKED: Great! Well thanks for talking with us.
Sean: You're not even going to address the elephant in the room? You--why are you hiding?
CRACKED: We thought you said your mom was somewhere in the room.
Sean: No, it's a saying. "The elephant in the room" -the fact that I'm less than one year old and I can talk.
CRACKED: WAIT a second. Did you say your mom deep-fries Hot Pockets?
CRACKED: I bet that's good.
Sean: I wouldn't know. My teeth haven't come in yet.
Recommended For Your Pleasure
The flow of time is cruel to us all.
- By Mark Hill
- April 12, 2019