Ah, celebrities-genetic lottery winners who spend their lives pretending they did something to deserve their good fortune. Nowhere are these self-important creatures more hilariously on display than in
People magazine' "100 Most Beautiful," an annual celebration of vanity that describes facial symmetry with terms like "sharp intellect" (Lindsay Lohan), "leadership skills" (George Clooney) and "open mind"(Jamie Foxx).
This year' list hit newsstands last week and is centered around the conceit that Angelina Jolie is beautiful because she is able to travel the world doing relief work, and not the other way around. Needless to say, the special issue offers up plenty of outrageous bullshit. Below, CRACKED weighs in on the 15 most ludicrous things that
had to say about their "100 Most Beautiful."ANGELINA JOLIE People' Scoop
"She looks the most beautiful when she's in the field-natural, no makeup, nothing," says Wyclef Jean of the actress-activist, 30. "She wants to make a difference," says U.N. representative Guebre-Christos. "She does it with a lot of simplicity." (p. 69) The Ugly Truth
Saying that Angelina Jolie "looks the most beautiful when she's in the field" is like saying that a BLT tastes good when it's in the field. No shit-it's a BLT. Angelina Jolie would look beautiful standing in a pool of chicken blood. As far as we can tell, she is hot no matter which famine ravished village she' taking her
act to this week. (We're probably going to hell for saying it, but Mother Theresa' tits were only so-so.)BEYONCE KNOWLESPeople' Scoop
"Knowles, 24, when asked to imagine what life might have been like if she hadn't been born beautiful, said: 'To be honest, I feel people would have acknowledged my talent a lot more.'"(p. 110)The Ugly Truth
Actually, you would have been "that dumpy chick with the weird name who takes karaoke night way too seriously." Good guess though. I can see why you thought that being ugly would somehow stop the term
the talented one from Destiny' Child
from being an oxymoron. Just think of all those other female singers who became movie stars because they were ugly. (Note to our gentile readers: Jewish men find Barbara Streisand attractive, so keep guessing)
HEATHER LOCKLEARPeople' Scoop
"'Maybe 40 is the new 30,' says TV's consummate California girl, 44."(p. 167) The Ugly Truth
Yes, Heather, maybe you somehow managed to alter the time space continuum. Or maybe you look ten years younger than you actually are because the most stressful decision you've ever had to make was whether to fuck Jon Bon Jovi or his guitarist. It also probably helps that you have a NASCAR pit crew of trained professionals working on your face before every public appearance.TERRENCE HOWARDPeople' Scoop
"The Oscar nominee, 37, describes himself as 'extra-medium maintenance.' He's up at 4:30 doing 500 push-ups, 1,000 sit-ups and a three-mile run before taking his three kids to school. He pampers himself with regular manicures plus spa weekends 'with a number of massages.' "
(p. 113)The Ugly Truth
So apparently 40 is the new 30 and "extra-medium maintenance" is the new "psychopathically narcissistic." The article goes on to mention that to unwind, Howard murders prostitutes, feeds live cats to ATMs and returns videotapes.NICOLE KIDMANPeople' Scoop
"The world-class beauty, 38, shares three simple beauty rules: 'Don't wear too much makeup,' and 'If you have fair skin, stay out of the sun and wear a hat.'" (p. 169) The Ugly Truth
Hey, maybe People
could ask Dikembe Mutumbo what the secret to being an NBA basketball player is. Maybe it' wearing the right shoes, or using the right hand moisturizer, or maybe his secret is that he' 7-FOOT-FUCKING-2-INCHES TALL. Nicole Kidman' only beauty secret is that she was born with a really pretty face.
AVRIL LAVIGNEPeople' Scoop
"For Lavigne, 21, her 'new' image is just the latest, natural next step. 'I love putting lotion on-I'm obsessed with lavender. It's a lot of fun, and I think the older you get, the more you get into it.'"