An Introduction by the Author.
Good morning, rebel recruit, and welcome to the exciting world of guerilla warfare!
My name is Utambe Onnawabu, and I am the man in charge of things until one of my many shifty-eyed underlings disposes of me when I least expect it. Congratulations on taking your first steps toward a happy and fulfilling life by deserting your family and dedicating yourself to a group of violent, untrustworthy strangers with no clear plan or leadership!
As you get familiarized with your fellow rugged militia men, you will no doubt learn many life-threatening survival tricks and evasive combat maneuvers. However, within the brittle pages of this pamphlet (which we've printed on the backs of some old AIDS awareness pamphlets from the burned ruins of the St. Peter's Missionary Church), you shall find several helpful guerilla philosophies to get you started on your journey as a paranoid and delusional rebel soldier.
As they say in the mass grave burial district of Madagascar, 'let's dig in!'Guerilla Belief #1 - Government = bad.
A good soldier knows exactly who his enemy is before he starts killing him. So who is our primary enemy? Malaria? No! South African Camel Spiders? Actually, maybe. The government of Congo? Hell yes!
Why can we not live in peace with the Congolese government, you ask? Mostly it is because I hate them and my father hated them. But also it is because the government plans on enacting a balanced system of laws in hopes of peaceably regulating the affairs of our wonderful country. Who could stand for such madness? Not myself, that's for sure! And not you, either, or else
I will kill you with my machete where you stand!The government is shit! The government is the father of a bastard!
But worst of all, the government controls the cursed army that chases us every day through the hot jungles. And we, the small but mighty league of loyal rebels, must tend to our civic duty to fight against the armies of the governing powers with whatever meager semi-automatic weaponry we can scrape together.
Do you want to pledge yourself to an organization that is always trying to erect hospitals, build roads, and provide free education for our children? Or would you rather live under the pleasant anarchistic shadow of perpetual violent power struggles, stubborn ignorance, and corruption beyond all human logic and comprehension? I don't expect an answer to these questions, because I already know your answer.
Guerilla Belief #2 - Civilians are the plentiful tools of anti-civilization.
Congo's millions of honest cobalt mine workers and their innocent wives and children are not only good for blocking bullets and strapping homemade explosive devices to, they can also be used for:
- Collecting firewood
- Raping (hey, the government's armies do it, so why can't we?)
- Being firewood
- Fetching water and supplies that are a few feet out of your reach
- Fleeing for their meager lives (not a standard use, but is fun to watch)
- Punching, kicking, or hacking when you are bored
- Painting to look like zebras and watching hyenas eat them
- Constructing shelters out of other dead civilians
Civilians are stupid; however, since the gods allow them to reproduce quickly, we have an unlimited supply of them. Aside from the occasional stick or fork, they do not arm themselves as they go about their pointless daily routines of eating, working, and sleeping. However, most of their time is spent weeping, usually because of something we have done to them.
Guerilla Belief #3 - Grenades > Guns, Guns > Thinking.
Whenever you can find them, grenades will provide you with the greatest power known to man - making things blow up. This is why a majority of your day will be consumed with the tireless searching for grenades - in villages, beneath the dirt, and inside the grenade-carrying satchels of your slain enemies. However, most of the time you will have to rely on your machine gun to handle most of the obstacles of jungle guerilla life. Aside from killing people, your rifle can do just about anything - unlock sealed doors, intimidate prisoners to divulge where they have hidden their pastries, open stubborn jars of mayonnaise, or make a funny little song that uses gunshots instead of guitar sounds, just to name a few.