Suggestion #1

MY CHALLENGE

Special Operations Coordinator Richard Wu tends to get unnecessarily angry with me every time I make long, juicy flatulence noises on my forearm when he sits down in his chair.Richard will get progressively more upset with me when I put my feet up in my chair, hunch down, and stare at him until he gets up - at which point I will sing the word "gaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy" at him in a low baritone, or commence another hearty round of arm-flatulence.

ADVISED SOLUTION

Spec Ops Coordinator Richard Wu should be fired at your earliest convenience.

Suggestion #2

MY CHALLENGE

I don't really like working.

ADVISED SOLUTION

I do not work, yet continue to be paid. In exchange for this service, I will voluntarily take off my socks and perform impromptu puppet shows from behind my upturned desk, with matinee shows at 12:00, 3:00 and 5:00.

Possible titles for said production:

• Stinky & The Corn
• Bluey & Redboy
• Inspector Sock's Crime-Solving Imagination Hour
• f**k-f**k & Testicle
• Spec Ops Coordinator Richard Wu Getting Fired: A No-Holds-Barred Reenactment

ESTIMATED PRODUCTION BUDGET

$5000 for socks and unforeseen expenses.

Suggestion #3

MY CHALLENGE

I find it difficult to get sufficiently hard when masturbating in the staff bathroom to pictures of CEO Brad Newford's wife.

ADVISED SOLUTION

Perhaps Brad could leave more attractive pictures of his wife on his desk for the purposes of short-term bathroom reallocation. Tight-fitting and revealing clothes are key; losing weight essential.

Suggestion #4

MY CHALLENGE

I like boys.

ADVISED SOLUTION

Orientation meetings should be introduced in an attempt to explain to close-minded staff that this isn't really a "problem" at all. Trouble-makers and opposers should be roundly bawled out and made an example of. Dissent should not be tolerated.

POSSIBLE WAYS STAFF COULD BE BROUGHT AROUND TO "MODERN" WAY OF THINKING

• "Bring Your Child To Work & Leave Them With Me" Day
• "Make a Determined Attempt To Ignore The Noises Coming From the Supply Closet" Day
• "Mouth Full of Love" Day
• "Aren't Boys Are Just Smaller Men?" All-Day Seminar Day
• Hairless Tuesdays

Suggestion #5

MY CHALLENGE

My ongoing proactive initiative to f**k Finance Consultant Tessa Bodder has so far been unsuccessful. Initiative was quickly moved into Phase 2; however, attempts to impress her by making fart noises and singing the word "gaaaaayyyyy" whenever Spec Ops Coordinator Richard Wu sat down showed no signs of a successful increase in the likelihood of us getting down to sex within the next quarter.

ADVISED SOLUTION

Clearly "thinking outside of the box" f*****g methods all called for. I propose an immediate ramp-up to Phase 3, wherein I would discontinue wearing pants to work. Three hour time periods should be allotted for "struttin'" time, during which I would walk pantsless in front of her desk. I have researched a medley of old motown songs that I could hum in a deep seductive voice throughout said "struttin'" initiative.

Should f*****g not be a foreseeable option in the near future, I propose that Finance Consultant Tessa Bodder be fired from this company at your earliest convenience.

More Articles