My Landlord Handles Everything

A Minor Home Repair

"I came over yesterday or maybe last week. I rang the doorbell a dozen times, and nobody answered. What was I supposed to do? What' that? Fix the doorbell?"

A Major Home Repair

"I'm definitely going to swing by today. If not definitely today, then definitely tomorrow. But I know houses, and I think you're probably exaggerating the connection between the backed-up furnace and the inch of soot on your toothbrush. And as for that other thing, just think of it as a skylight in your floor."

My Ankle That Sometimes Tightens Up After A Run

"It' too late for me to get out there and look at that now. You should've tried me on my cell phone. I hardly ever answer this line, but the cell' always by my side. I never gave you the number? Remind me to tell you what it is next time you call." [dialtone]

This Lousy Weather We're Having

"I stopped by to have a look at that. Didn't your roommate tell you I stopped by? You don't have one? Well, then it was a friend of his or something. Look, I'm going skiing for a couple of weeks, but I'll call someone. I know this Turkish guy named Jimmy. He' planning on immigrating very, very soon. When the time comes, you'll have to pick him up at the airport."

Boston' Soaring Homicide Rate

"I told Jimmy to fix that three times. I can't believe he didn't show up again. It' easy enough for you to do yourself. Just go to a hardware store and ask the guy for a brass tri-tong shaft fastener. If it exists, that'll be the one you need."

AIDS In Africa

"You just gotta stick a broom handle down there and kind of grind it around counterclockwise. If that doesn't work, try it the other way, regular clockwise."

The End Of Civilization

"There' nothing in the lease that says I'm obligated to take care of that."

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