Hm, what's that? Oh, you want to hear some of the things? The interesting things? I see. Um, alright then.
Well, uh — Oh! Actually, I own my own business. Yeah, seriously! I transport, sell and distribute latex. And, before you ask, no, they're not for condoms, you perv. Ha-ha! No, it's mainly for like, insoles, you know for athletic shoes and stuff like that. Who knows? I might have even sold some that like, ended up on, like, Kobe Bryant's feet or something!
But actually it's mostly for high school kids. Track, mostly.
Wait, hold on! Hold on! I'm sorry, seriously, I just — sometimes my mouth just gets ahead of my brain, you know? Well, that is, if I had a mouth, proper, instead of just a lopsided hole where it used to be —
Let — Let me tell you about one of my hobbies. On weekends, I read to children in the terminal ward at St. Bartholomew's. Ha, I know, it sounds a little cliché, but it just makes me feel good, you know? After they all stop screaming when they see me, I love to read them "The Ugly Duckling," which… I mean… is… um… appropriate.
Because of the burns on my face.
Um"¦did I mention earlier that I have absolutely no burns whatsoever on my penis? That's right. Zero. Burn-free penis.
So, your place or mine?
Read more of Matt's stuff over at The MW Blog.
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