I couldn't help noticing you from across the room, and I was wondering if you wouldn't mind so much if I bought you a drink. So, what's your poison? Red Bull and vodka, I'd bet.
| "Hope it's not too weird for you|
but that's me with my ex."
Ha-ha! Bet you thought I couldn't guess, didn't you? Well, it's just one of my powers, I guess. One of my supernatural powers of deduction!
Now, before things start to get weird, I'll just go ahead and break some of the tension I think we're both feeling here. I can't help but notice that you're staring at the third-degree burns covering nearly 70% of my face.
Well, before anything else is said, I just want to make sure you know that the third-degree burns are only on my face, not on any of my more"¦sensitive areas, if you know what I mean. Nope, nowhere else has scalding liquid penetrated through all my dermal layers, causing severe scarring and visible coagulated vessels beneath the now milky-white, near-translucent skin.
There may be some second-degree ones in my more sensitive, genital, penis areas maybe, but —
Wait! No, come back! Come back! I'm just kidding! I don't — I don't have any other burns.
Really. It's just — it's just my face.
But, look, really, you have to understand, there's so much more to me than these burns on my face. No, seriously, I'm a very complex and interesting person. I mean, there are so many things I could tell you about me, so many things that would just make you put your hand to your chin and nod violently with approval, which is something I admittedly can't do because I essentially don't have a chin anymore, but rather simply a swirly, dripping, chunky soup of skin strips and sinew and cartilage—