CRACKED FAQ: Winter Olympics Sports

Think the Olympics are ridiculous? You’re absolutely correct! Here’s why.

Bobsled

While the world's best bobsledders have traditionally been pointy-eared Nords, Cool Runnings taught us that, even on ice, black people are more athletic than white people. This is, of course, just one more reason to be afraid of them.

Curling

Curling—the perfect activity for obsessive-compulsives who think ice is dirty—unites three great Canadian passions: bowling, hockey and mind-numbing stupidity.

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Biathlon

Inspired by early James Bond movies, biathlon combines cross-country skiing and target shooting. Other combinations considered before skiing/shooting: snowshoeing/stabbing, snow-blowing/strangling, and snow-angel-making/screwing a frisky Russian agent named Natasha.

Freestyle Skiing

Freestyle skiing should not be confused with “freebase skiing,” which nearly killed Daryl Strawberry and ended Kate Moss's career.

Hockey

Much like anal porn, Olympic hockey has been historically dominated by toothless Russians and mullet-clad Canadians. Although there are few differences between Olympic hockey and NHL hockey, the major rules are the same—the game must be boring and minorities are not allowed to play.

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Figure Skating

Where else can you see gratuitous crotch shots, heavy face makeup on underage girls and sexually ambiguous men dressed as pirates all under one roof? Well, besides Prince's house?

Speed Skating

Much like NASCAR, watching speed skating requires an IQ under 70 or a blood alcohol level above 0.20, and those stupid/drunk enough to watch in the first place just watch for the crashes anyway.

Ski Jumping

Little-known fact: competitors' techniques are largely inspired by the moves from Michael Jackson’s 1988 “Smooth Criminal” video.

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Luge

Luge rivals only Brittany Murphy in sheer volume of international men sliding down a duct. And by “duct,” we mean Brittany Murphy’s vagina.

Snowboarding

Snowboarding is the only competitive activity in which stoners excel other than Halo 2, goatee-growing and eating an entire bag of Funions in one sitting.

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