Snakes on a Plane fever, the upcoming Samuel L. Jackson biopic from New Line Cinema, has gripped the Internet. "Will there be snakes?" "What' all this about a plane?" "Will the snakes be naked?" "Will Samuel L. Jackson be naked?" "Why am
I naked?" "What did you put in this dip? It' delicious!"
These questions and more cascade from the Internet daily, and will for the next three days, until a cooked turkey falls out of Paris Hilton' vagina or something equally ludicrous happens to distract us all for another three days. In an effort to placate you muttonheads and please our advertisers, let' answer the most common questions about THE GREATEST PIECE OF CINEMA EVER (forthcoming)!
Q: No seriously, what is this movie about?
A: Snakes on a plane. What was Robocop
about? A Robotic cop. Same principle. Stay with the group.Q: How did this movie ever get made?
A: We'd imagine the pitch for the movie went something like this:
Writer: "It' a movie with Samuel L. Jackson..."
Studio Exec: "What' it called? What' it about?"
Writer: "Snakes on a Plane. Snakes on a Plane."
Studio Exec: "I like your moxie. Sold." (Sprinkling millions of dollars onto table) "Now, who do I have to blow around here to get some coke injected into the tip of my cock?"Q: I heard the movie has gone into re-shoots? Did it test poorly?
A: On the contrary. Recent internet buzz concerning the film has reached such fever pitch regarding how awesomely stupid the film sounds that the studio has gone back to make the movie even more awesomely stupid, ratcheting up its rating to a hard R. Look for snakes to relieve attractive young stewardesses of their undergarments, and a stirring scene of a nude Samuel L. Jackson beating a snake to death with a bunch of other snakes.
Q: I've heard so many theories about where the idea for the film came from: Some say that it was originally an SNL skit. Others say it was based on a true story and that it really happened to a Brazilian soccer team on a boat. What' the truth?
A: While there was
once a skit that featured Will Ferrell as a pilot who had been bitten by a cobra, the concept behind the film actually originates from the little-known John Denver track Snake Attack (on a Jetplane)
from his seminal 1968 album John Denver Fucktastic Super-Hits
. Q: Why is every other word out of Samuel L. Jackson' mouth "motherfucker"?
A: Because he' black. More specifically, a white, rich Jewish screenwriter' best guess as to what a black person might actually sound like. Q: Speaking of Sam Jackson, or more accurately screaming of him, how many movies can one man legally appear in before his agent intervenes?
A: Yeah, we saw what you did there with the speaking of/screaming of thing. How about you stick to asking the questions and leave the jokes up to us, Johnny Carson. You're the set-up man, the straight man, the comedic foil, understand? [bowtie twirls with whizzing sound] Say!Q: OK, do you have a joke about Samuel L Jackson being in a lot of movies?
A: Actually, Snakes on a Plane
makes lucky number 47 for Samuel L. Jackson in the 2006 calendar year, continuing his streak of letting his German Shephard Bunches pick his scripts after Jackson fans them out on his carpet. His daughter reportedly asked him to proofread her history term paper last fall and he signed on to play the lead. (