Need proof that March is an objectively terrible month for television? The "new" episodes of the NBC hits Community and The New Normal dealt with hot-off-the-presses subject matter like Thanksgiving and Halloween, respectively. In the Peacock's defense, the rest of the TV world isn't doing much better. For example ...
#4. Restless Virgins -- March 9 (Lifetime)
Restless Virgins promises to uncover a world where privileged teens at a New England prep school run wild and obsess over sex. You might recognize this as the same shocking world every single person in the New England area or anywhere else with a high school has been living in since forever now.
The made-for-TV teen exploitation drama stars Vanessa Marano (Switched at Birth) as Emily, scholarship student, editor of the school newspaper, and all-around goody-two-shoes cliche. Charlie Carver (Desperate Housewives, but you already knew that) plays the wealthy and calculating senator's son who decides to film a sex tape to leave as his legacy to the school.
"His O-face looks like a palsied elephant sneezing!"
When Emily discovers the tape of a classmate fellating Carver's character and senior members of the lacrosse team, she blows the lid off the controversy by releasing it online. It's loosely based on a true story. Or, more likely, hundreds of them.
#3. NIT Basketball Tournament -- March 19-April 4 (ESPN2)
In college basketball circles, chanting "N-I-T, N-I-T" at a less-skilled opposing team is a taunt that carries more sting than any salty curse ever could. Those three letters stand for "National Invitation Tournament," and, once upon a time, winning the NIT was the goal that every college team in the nation worked toward. Now, it's what they all work to avoid.
In modern times, the NIT is nothing more than the annual consolation prize for college basketball teams who weren't quite good enough to participate in all of the March Madness hoopla. Beginning on the 19th, the ESPN family of networks will televise all 31 games, culminating in the finals at Madison Square Garden, where one mediocre squad will be crowned 69th best team in the nation. Congrats!
Mike Stobe / Stringer / Getty
Now go cry alone in a corner.
#2. Preachers' Daughters -- March 12 (Lifetime)
Preachers' Daughters explores what it's like to be raised by minister parents, or at least the reality TV docudrama version of the experience. The new series follows three teen girls, Kolby, Taylor, and Olivia, as they navigate the waters of young adulthood.
For Kolby, that means dealing with divorced parents who've both answered a higher calling. Her mom is a Christian radio preacher, while her dad is a former professional wrestler turned traveling evangelist. If this show makes it past the first season (it won't), expect one of those two to be in prison.
But really, every adult involved in making this show deserves some jail time.
After partying hard in high school, teen mom Olivia now questions her baby's paternity. Are there episodes of Maury in heaven? If so, this is what they look like.
Taylor's dad, a Pentecostal pastor, promises that if he "sees the devil rising up, he has the responsibility to cast him down," and prays that God won't let his daughter become a porn star. This puts his dreams in direct competition with those of every adult male who watches this show. Who will the Lord ignore? Tune in and find out!
#1. Dancing With the Stars -- March 25 (ABC)
Dancing With the Stars has been on the air for just under eight years now, but this March, they kick off their 16th season, because the machine that produces desperate-for-attention celebrities never takes a break.
Ratings have steadily declined for the past few seasons, and with no events of note since that episode where Kirstie Alley broke her dance partner's femur, it's hard to make an argument for tuning in.
The "surprise" celebrity this year is occasional funny man and habitual rehab resident Andy Dick, which is great news for Marie Osmond, who currently holds the distinction of being the only DWTS contestant to pass out during a live taping. If anyone is going to join her in that club, it's going to be Andy Dick.
The rest of the cast includes Jacoby Jones, Victor Ortiz, Kellie Pickler, Wynonna Judd, Dorothy Hamill, Aly Raisman, Lisa Vanderpump, D.L. Hughley, Zendaya, and Ingo Rademacher.
We've heard of at least three of those people!