There are things humans must avoid thinking about in order to preserve our sanity -- namely, the inevitable death of all things, the futility of all our actions in a meaningless universe, and what goes on behind the scenes in fast food restaurants. Unfortunately, technology is making it harder to avoid that last one. The following things have been going on in the food industry since times immemorial. The only difference these days? All of this dreadful shit is now being meticulously cataloged on the Internet.
#3. Social Networks Show Employees Getting Intimate with Your Food
If you've never worked in the food industry, you've probably wondered at some point how restaurant employees manage to be around all that delicious chow all day without touching it. Thanks to social networks and such, we now know the answer: They don't.
Facebook via mashable.com
Considering this is Taco Bell, he might actually be leaving those cleaner.
This Taco Bell employee just couldn't help himself and started frenching a bunch of taco shells, then posted the image online. Apparently "developing strange new feelings towards food" is an inevitable part of the job, because something similar happened at a KFC in Tennessee, as these Facebook photos revealed:
Facebook via nydailynews.com
Colonel Sanders would be disappointed, and slightly aroused.
But those employees showed admirable restraint compared to a Subway Sandwich Artist in Ohio who couldn't contain his passion and went to third base with some bread. And, yes, then posted images to Instagram:
Instagram via huffingtonpost.com
If people wanted to deal with this crap, they'd have just gone to a real subway.
Think it can't get any worse? Oh, how wrong you are ...
#2. Online Videos Expose Kitchen Grossness (And Sexy Times!)
When movies and TV show you the kitchen of a food establishment, it's usually all clean white tiles and cooks with hairnets putting the finishing touches on their culinary masterpieces. Now, thanks to employees giving us backstage tours on sites like YouTube, we can finally find out how accurate that image is:
That tile isn't actually brown ...
Those images and this video were posted by an employee of a family-themed Golden Corral restaurant in Florida. Ironically, the food had been moved to the dumpsters to hide it from the health inspector, who presumably showed up on the same day that the manager's wife and mistress decided to dine on the same restaurant.
Meanwhile, here's a screenshot of the owner of a pizzeria wanking:
Yelp via Gawker
We're not good at segues.
When the owner of Jersey Joe's Pizzeria in San Diego put up an unsecured surveillance camera in his kitchen, he probably didn't know he'd end up livestreaming his spank session to the entire Internet. The man swiftly denied it was him, and judging from all these glowing reviews, apparently everyone believed him:
Yelp via gawker.com
It's been named the official Pizzeria of Chatroulette.
#1. Restaurant Workers Accidentally Broadcast Their Racism
When you leave someone a bad tip, some part of your brain knows that as soon as you turn around, that person is gonna verbally tear you a new asshole. It's one thing to suspect that, though, and another to actually hear the smiling pizza delivery guy who just left your home turn into a full-fledged Ku Klux Klan member:
That's what happened when a Papa John's delivery guy accidentally butt-dialed the couple he had just left and seriously began singing N-words to the theme from S.W.A.T., angry about the size of his tip. That is, five bucks on a $15 order. Papa John himself apologized for the incident.
But at least that jackass announced his racism on the Internet by accident -- the manager of a certain Asian restaurant in Hockesssin, Del., had even less foresight, openly insulting the race of customers who left small tips on Instagram.
NBC10.com - Denise Nakano
Sadly, that's like the 19th douchiest photo we've seen on Instagram this week.
The manager, who was also in charge of fighting with people on the restaurant's Facebook page, was put on unpaid leave, and the company hired a new social media consultant. Hopefully "How often do you visit Stormfront.org?" is no longer a question on the job application.
Tired of cliche wizards and space opera? Check out XJ's $0.99 science-fiction/fantasy novella on Amazon here, with the sequel OUT NOW. And of course, you should look at his writing blog and poke him on Twitter. And happy belated birthday Nadia!