7 Workouts For Firming You Up And Creeping Everyone Else Out
When Cracked Readers see me in the street, I get two questions: 1) "How do you keep in such great shape?" and 2) "How do you cope with an increasingly confusing world that grows more alienating every day?" I don't know why everyone seems to think I'm qualified to answer that second question, but I suppose I'd have to guess that it's because I totally am. What's more, I'm happy to share the answers to both of these questions with the world in my latest book, How to Exercise: Workouts for Angry Lunatics. Please find some excerpts below and, if you're a person who publishes books, please give me money to make this one.
Brilliance, DOB! "Let your back sag. Stick your ass wherever. Roll your neck around. I don't care." Still laughing over that one!
ReplyThe kids, your* awful boss, (...)
ReplyDan, you are amazing. I just spent 10 minutes laughing and now my sides hurt. OTOH I think I feel my biceps bulging!
ReplyI find I repeat myself a lot in the comments section for your articles. There are, after all, only so many ways to say "awesome."
ReplyEVERYTHING DIES
ReplyMr O'Brien I believe I adore you? I'm not really sure where I am sexually at the moment... so yeah I'll leave it at that. You rock XD
ReplyTake two fingers and massage your groin region. Did you find a penis? Yes? Ok, that means you're sexually a male. Glad I could help.
I was doing a bit of reading because I couldn't sleep. Now I definitely can't because I've been laughing for like 10 whole minutes and I hurt.
ReplyHilarious. You sir, are my favorite Cracked writer.
ReplyWow... Just wow...
ReplyDOB, how can a writer as talented as you make the unbelievably egregious your/you're mistake?
ReplyI was thinking the same.
I read it over twice, because I thought my eyes must be deceiving me.
"Feel his cold breath."
ReplyAn ad for body shapers at the bottom of the article is just icing on the cake.
ReplyHahaha that's what I was thinking xDDD
I'm currently still trying to control my laughter. I'm gonna try shouting at my genitals. The cowards.
ReplyMy genitals are already terrified of me on account of the frequent beatings.
My try-not-to-cryceps are all out of shape.
Replygreat read, :) Im sooo glad I dont need to work out, i can eat anything, lay around, people always ask "how often do you work out?" all the time, but really never..just lucky i guess..lucky HOT!
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesDie in a fire.
dude youre so fake......you douche bag
One day, you'll be fat.
Middle age will be crueler to you than to anyone else, because of your inflated self esteem.
Life played a cruel joke on you, my friend.
I’m sorry they took all of your smart stem cells - the oscitant ones are lonely.
I don't really hate you.
No, I'm kidding. I hate you a lot. But, y'know, I'm only playing. I have no beef with you. Really. Except for my undying hatred. I guess that's beef.
Mmm... Beef...
You're probably pretty flabby and weak, too.
Will there be a sequal? What If I want to commit suicide but don't want to do it looking like I do now? Is there any exercise that will make a headshot more manly? Can your throat muscle be so strong you can't hang yourself? Is there any exercise that will prevent me from crying myself to sleep??!
Reply... No.
Did you miss an article? because I think you did. No I'll just have to cut myself even harder until friday.
Replydude normally your articles suck, but this one went hard... good work man!
Reply Hide All See All 14 RepliesI hate you.
go suck a hippo dicks
I hate him more
This isn't even close to his best work. I'm pretty sure you've never actually read any of his other articles. That is literally the only explanation. I hate you more than those other guys.
I hate you just about the same as the second guy who hates you, maybe a little more, but if I'm being honest with myself, I probably don't hate you as much as the third guy. I just have to live with that, I guess.
Hah... hippo dick...
I like Hitler more than you.
what man DOB is the shyt man i think i hate you now you need to read the rest of his articles...youu...you douche bag
Nate is a super gay name.
It suits you.
Jerk.
I hate you so much I'm considering looking you up in the phonebook just to call you and tell you how much I hate you.
I hate you so much I'm considering looking you up in the phonebook just to call you and tell you how much I hate you.
I hate you with every fiber in my being, and with the fire of a thousand suns. You are ugly - your mustache, hairlip, mankles, square ass, buck teeth, and obvious dark black nipple hair have a repellant effect ON EVERY HUMAN WHO ENCOUNTERS YOU!
I would derive pleasure from coming to your home and punching you in the mouth in front of your family.
I heart dudes.
anyone else get the idea that DOB is like, terribly depressed right now? all of his articles have been pretty dark lately
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesYes, ever since he discovered icing. But that would give anyone a world-weary view.
ok wtf is icing? you mean hokey icing or sumthin else
That's not depression, friend. That's realism.
BECOME ADDICTED TO DRUGS.
Way ahead of you, pal.
its 3am here and i am painfully, desperately trying not to wake my housemates with roaring laughter. ill just let the tears flow.
Reply