At the beginning of the film Jurassic Park, the film’s protagonist Dr. Alan Grant gets furious when a young boy remarks that a Velociraptor skeleton looks “like a six-foot Turkey,” forcing the child to imagine himself being eaten by a Velociraptor. “He doesn’t bother to bite your jugular like a lion … He slashes at you … across the belly, spilling your intestines. The point is… you are alive when they start to eat you.” The film never let’s the boy respond. I decided to let the other parties involved in the scene give their alternate perspectives from the first scene of Jurassic Park.
1. Why Did That Paleontologist Have To Scare the Shit Out Of Me?
Seriously, all I did was kick a little dirt and make a funny joke about a turkey… I mean, what the hell do I know? I’m just a kid! I don’t know anything about vemosomaptors or whatever! It looked like a turkey to me! So what? Does that mean that guy had to threaten me with a six-inch claw and talk about me being eaten alive? No, it doesn’t. It means maybe he could have said, like, “Show some respect, these things are scary,” or “Apologize right now or I’ll scare the shit out of you.” I would have apologized right then! I didn’t want him to scare the shit out of me!
I mean, hell, I wasn’t trying to call him out or something! Dinosaurs are cool! Of course I think dinosaurs are cool, I’m a fucking kid! Sure, we’re noisy, messy, sticky and expensive (and some of us smell), but that’s because we’re kids, OK? That doesn’t mean anyone can just go around making kids literally shit their pants just because we don’t understand some stupid old man job. Seriously, the reason some of us smell is because big mean dumbs like that guy think it’s funny to make us shit our pants! Stop making us shit our pants and we won’t smell like shit!
Geez, the only reason I made that remark about the turkey is because I thought he was cool and maybe he’d laugh. Clearly he’s not, because he didn’t and also he made me cry, which is super mean. I could have been his protege. He could have been my mentor. Instead, I’m just going to have to be in therapy for the rest of my life. At least, that’s what my mom says. She’s super mad at him, too. It’s probably the night terrors that really upset her. I don’t even know I’m having them, but mom says every night I scream until I pass out, which is weird because I’m already asleep at the time. I wish I could remember what the dreams are about, because they’re probably about vemosomaptors and I think those are pretty cool.
If he really wanted to scare me, he should have just pulled a gun on me. Fuck that guy. I hope he has something terrifying happen to him. Then maybe he’ll like kids.
2. ROAWWWWWWR!!!
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November 19th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Cody is new and different! We fear change! He must be despised until we, the masses, no longer consider him a threatening novelty on our established and understood ways of internet comedy. SUCH IS THE WAY OF THE INTERNET.
November 18th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
This article smokes dick, take that how you like it
November 18th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
what the fuck people, your not gonna be hilarious every single time!! i cant believe how harsh people can be.
November 18th, 2009 at 8:56 am
All kids smell… BAD!
November 17th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
Vemosomapters is hilarious. Good work. I laughed hard and rarely do. Don’t worry about the haters. The probably like Gladstone.
November 17th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
This article sucks turkey balls.
November 17th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Totally lame rip-off of The Onion’s point/counterpoint schtick, and Jurassic Park was like 15 years ago. Way too late for this joke.
November 17th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Anyone else notice that the kid from this scene in JP was in the Sexual Harrasment via KissCam video posted a few months back from sketch group TheAttack!?
November 17th, 2009 at 6:10 am
Fails as expected.
November 17th, 2009 at 4:29 am
Lame.
November 17th, 2009 at 2:09 am
I loved it! as a teacher of boys, that stuff about kids smeeling was the shit. absolutely hilarious.
RROOAWWWWWWR
LOL
sometimes you hit, Cody, and sometimes you miss, but keep going.
November 17th, 2009 at 1:40 am
Cody, don’t listen to the haters- this was a great article! The bit with the Velociraptor at the end nearly gave me a hernia. Keep up the good work!
November 17th, 2009 at 12:35 am
Seems like you smoked up, watched Jurassic Park and couldnt get over that scene. Personally I LOVE shit like this. However, it is a bit drawn out and not exactly worthy of a full article.
November 17th, 2009 at 12:23 am
Man it would just make my whole day better if DOB came to my house with a gun and made me read Cracked.
I would keep him and his tiny gun in my dresser drawer.
November 16th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
Thumbs down on this one. I think it Could have been made funny, but honestly, it was pretty sucky.
November 16th, 2009 at 11:02 pm
….was this supposed to be funny? like, really?
this was the worst article i’ve seen on here in months.
November 16th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
Look man I’m not into trolling and all that but really you suck.
November 16th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
I laughed my ass off! Holy crap, that was funny!
November 16th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
weaksauce…this noobie kid needs to go
November 16th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
How could you do an article like this without having a counterpoint by the kid he traumatises by pretending to be violently killed by an electric fence? HOWWW
November 16th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Cody, I love you.
November 16th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Holy Satan in heaven, you folks are still ripping on Cody for this article a month after he posted it?
Remind me to never write for this site. You cocksuckers are pretty fucking harsh and I’m getting quite worried that DOB visits your homes, holds a gun to your heads, and forces you read this stuff that you obviously don’t like.
Mind you, the rest of us very much enjoy Cody and consider him to be very entertaining… but if DOB is forcing you assholes to read these articles at gunpoint, that’s fucked up. Shame on you, Daniel.
Shame on you to hell.
November 16th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
I thought it was funny.
November 16th, 2009 at 11:02 am
If you saw Jurassic Park III, you would know that the Velociraptors CAN TALK NOW!
November 16th, 2009 at 9:50 am
I could have sworn I read this exact same article like a month ago.
Have I gone crazy? Am I psychic? Or is someone just recycling shit?
November 16th, 2009 at 9:07 am
@makidian
tell us more about when you soldered your balls to your taint. You obviously have some experience in the field.
November 16th, 2009 at 8:25 am
I’ve been a fan of Cody’s stuff, but this is admittedly a little weak, seems just kinda thrown together….
November 16th, 2009 at 8:25 am
Who is this Cody person and why is he allowed on this site?
November 16th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Oh, and make sure the source of the swearing is even wackier and inappropriate - a little kid is good but kind of ho-hum. Why not make it, say, a manatee next time? A swearing manatee? THASS KERRAZY!
It’s a wonder I’m not charging you for this advice - this stuff is solid GOLD.
November 16th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Wanna know why so many people are hating on this entry Cody? Not enough swear words. Everyone knows more curses = more funny. Work a few dozen more into the next one - hell, write an entire sentence or two entirely out of swears. That’ll bring ‘em around, I guarantee.
November 16th, 2009 at 5:51 am
wasd. I entirely disagree, I laughed through the whole thing. I haven’t seen Jurassic Park in maybe 6 years, but I knew exactly what he was talking about. Perhaps he explained what was going on so people…um knew what was going on? You know, just a thought.
November 16th, 2009 at 4:47 am
The thing is: when you have to explain your entire joke in the first paragraph, it’s a sign your joke won’t be good. When Cody begins his article writing this:
“At the beginning of the film Jurassic Park, the film’s protagonist Dr. Alan Grant gets furious when a young boy remarks that a Velociraptor skeleton looks “like a six-foot Turkey,” forcing the child to imagine himself being eaten by a Velociraptor.”
…He is actually saying “Yeah, now I’ll make a joke about a totally irrelevant topic that no one remembers really well anymore”.
November 16th, 2009 at 3:47 am
@Mr. Malice I couldn’t get past the first paragraph either, and while I hate to disparage this guy it was worse than licking sandpaper, it was like being forced to solder my balls to my taint.
November 16th, 2009 at 2:38 am
I think if we organize really well and hurry, we may be able to get “Freestyle Cody Hating” into the Vancouver Olympics this year. Either that, or Cracked may just end up front-paging the comment threads instead of the articles themselves…either way, this smells of a bright, wondrous and spite-laden future. Keep up the Onion-ripoff shit factory, Johnston! Without you, trolling would be far harder.
November 16th, 2009 at 2:13 am
She is brilliant, humorous, generous, and crack a smile sometimes. This image of abundant emotions, absoulutely outpace her “HR manager, Monthly income over $10,000 ” life tag image. Express your emotion, let youself, life change to a poetic picture. A woman—S★uga★rloves★ c ★om***like that always reversed all sentient beings, get the love of whole world man.
November 16th, 2009 at 1:24 am
The bit with the kid wasnt great, but the Velocoraptor was fantastic (if predictable). I liked it.
November 16th, 2009 at 1:09 am
I give you points for the number of quotes you reference. I give you no points for entertainment value.
November 16th, 2009 at 12:14 am
Jesus Cody, I couldn’t even read past your opening paragraph, it was like licking sandpaper… uh, scratch that it was like rubbing really coarse sandpaper under my lips against my gums where the teeth meets the gum skin, and just rubbing it until it was all shredded and bone gets exposed and I start bleeding evereywhere and everyone in the McDonalds is staring at me with a deer-in-headlights demeanor of sheer disgusted terror.
Now, I’m pretty sure the geneva convention have some kind of sanction against this kind of slow torture, I once had a homeless guy try to yank my sack off like a token at the fair with his grubby dirty fingers and THAT was far more plesant then this article, (but then gettin your junk yanked around like soggy tissue in a back alley is always pleasant, right fella’s? *wink*, right!)
So it’s not that I’m saying your a fag or a retard or some kind of retarded fag monster hell bent on the destruction of people sanity with your suck ray or something (because believe me deep down inside, I am, I SO FUCKING AM), but that I’m saying that dude they are paying you money, so could you please fail less?
Go on, try it, try failing less, I fucking dare you.
November 16th, 2009 at 12:08 am
Grant should have smuggled that kid to the island and fed him to Jeff Goldblum’s inflated head.
November 16th, 2009 at 12:01 am
poor little kid. just because his parents neglect him and now the only way he knows how to get attention is by acting like a little shit, that is no reason to be threatened with dinosaur disembowelment. then again if there were ever a way to go…
November 16th, 2009 at 12:00 am
This is as close to funny as anal rape is to theoretical physics.
November 15th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
no…i’m pretty sure that kid deserved it. something about his smug little bastard face.
November 15th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
I actually thought what Dr. Alan Grant did was hilarious. This article, however… not so much. Sorry. =(
November 15th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
This was so boring. Seriously, a joke about a 16 year old movies?
November 15th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
fuck that kid, he had a fucking tone… and shit…
November 15th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
The quality of Cody’s posts follows a sinusoidal pattern; this one is not so great, but we’ll get another gem soon.
November 15th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
I liked the concept, but it would’ve been funnier from someone else’s perspective.
November 15th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
rawr wtf
November 15th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
@PRESTON
OHHHH MYYYY GODDDD SHUT THE MOTHER FUCKIGN HELL UP PLEASE!!!!!! ITS ONE LIL APOSTROPHE. I UNDERSTAND THAT IT CHANGES THE WORD COMPLETELY BUT STILL… ITS NOTHING TO SHIT YOURSELF OVER!!!
oH SHIT I SPELT FUCKING WRONG EARLIER IN MY COMMENT… PLEASE CORRECT ME TOO. THANKS! PUSSY
Cool Article
(Although a lil short)
November 15th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Some of you people act like this was the goddamn most funny thing you’ve ever read. I mean, come on… it was drawn out, unfunny, and boring. It could have been better if…. no, fuck it. This isn’t comedic material, not for an article.
November 15th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
The raptor is right; fuck Sam Neil.
November 15th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
i liked it
November 15th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
ATTENTION TO THE AUTHOR: There is a shocking typo in the first paragraph of this piece: you wrote “the film never let’s the boy respond” when there SHOULD BE NO APOSTROPHE AT ALL IN THE WORD “LETS” GOD DAMMIT! IT’S JUST “LETS”!. PLEASE FIX THIS AND CHECK YOUR WORK IN FUTURE!!!
November 15th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
That was hilarious! Awesome concept too!
November 15th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Sigh
Cody, this really wasn’t that funny. In fact it wasn’t funny at all.
I’ve REALLY liked some of your stuff, laughing so much it hurt (Goosebump stories and the videogame guide videos), but some have been complete misses.
keep trying though!!
You’ll find your groove eventually : )
November 15th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
That raptor makes a very good argument
November 15th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Since dwelmnar asked, when ending a sentence with an abbreviation, an additional period isn’t necessarry.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Up until now I didn’t think you were funny (or that I didn’t get your style of writing or whatever) but I FUCKING LOLED at this one. Keep it up.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
“Fuck that guy. I hope he has something terrifying happen to him. Then maybe he’ll like kids.”
haha. that was funny.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
That was a pretty good article, but I do have a weakness for dinosaurs and Jurassic Park. RAWR.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
That wasn’t even an article. Were you in a hurry, Cody? I ‘d be surpised if that took you more than fifteen minutes to write. It was way too short.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
I meant Jay Pinkerton, my bad
November 15th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Dude, you seriously suck at being funny… or maybe I haven’t grown used to your writing style yet. Anyway, DOB da bomb! So is Jay Pinket. Funny shit.
November 15th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
I read Cody’s stuff for his banner. It reminds me of the Venture Bros.. Do i need two periods there? No one needs two periods, right?
November 15th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Cody usually ur stuff just makes me giggle….i full on SHAT MESELF when i read this, good work nig
November 15th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
“He doesn’t bother to bite your jugular like a lion … He slashes at you … across the belly, spilling your intestines. The point is… you are alive when they start to eat you.”
November 15th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
Keep up the Jurassic Park stuff! Favorite movie as a kid and I still love making fun of it to this day.
November 15th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
That little kid was a douche, he deserved it. How dare he insult the vemosomaptors.
November 15th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Sorry Cody. I just think you pretty much suck.
November 15th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
Yah, skewer that minor scene from a 16 year old movie! Can you do Casablanca next? How about some Charlie Chaplin?
Cracked should really have an article rating button…I keep clicking on Cody’s crap so it looks like people are reading and end up hitting the back button by the first sentence half the time.
November 15th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
That kid lives in my town. He’s very short. I see him all over. He’s in commercials and plays sometimes. Acts like a pretty big deal.
November 15th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
also, to all you idiots that think cody has a say as to what gets posted every day, you are fucking stupid.
cody just writes what he thinks is funny and cracked decides to post it.
so stop getting so angry at a guy just making funny when it’s douchebags like dan o brien and mike swaim you should be hating on.
November 15th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
I’ll always hate that little kid. From the Ratt video into oblivion.
November 15th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
I laughed. I love you, Cody, so much. And holy shit I hadn’t realized how much of a dick that guy was until you pointed it out.
November 15th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
shut the fuck up all of you idiots that don’t get this or are crying because it wasn’t long enough. it was FUNNY. and that’s all that’s important.
you don’t like it? you do better.
November 15th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
bad
November 15th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
@morgan
Hahaha wtf is wrong with you.
Not a question.
November 15th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
“like a six-foot Turkey,”
Why is turkey capitalized? Do you mean the country? Is there a turkey named Turkey I don’t know?
Also, I’m sorry to say that I didn’t find the article funny. It wasn’t awful, just unfunny to me, personally.
November 15th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
wtf was this? so incredibly unfunny. did the author even TRY? i hope not. because if this is not a half assed effort, but a real attempt at comedy, this person might just be the antidote to laughter.
November 15th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
I agree, this felt like a lame, boring, redundant version of the Onion’s Point-Counterpoint. It wasn’t clever, or well-worded, or even well-constructed, and just sort of blathered on. “I’m a kid. We’re smelly. Hahahaha.” Kind of a shame, really.
November 15th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Recently, I found an age-gap site called __Agegapmingle.com__ It’s a nice place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not problem there. You may check out or tell your friends.
November 15th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
really, i liked this article. i dont like all of cody’s things. but it seems like i have read this before. didnt somebody else publish this exact same article a while ago? there is no way this is new.
November 15th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
She was brilliant, humorous, generous, and crack a smile sometimes. This image of abundant emotions, absoulutely outpace her “HR manager, Monthly income over $10,000 ” life tag image. Express your emotion, let youself, life change to a poetic picture. A woman—S~ugar loves- c~ om***like that always reversed all sentient beings, get the love of whole world man.
November 15th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
There have been acts of genocide that were funnier than this article. The entire piece screams “Lack of Effort”. Please, either try to be funny or try to forget how to breathe. Honestly, I’d prefer the latter… And, oh yeah, Swaim’s a fag.
November 15th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
There are comments for this article that are longer (and more entertaining) than the article, itself. That really shouldn’t be possible. But, yet again, it appears that Cody has somehow defied the laws of Internet comedy physics. Honestly, the “I-hate-this-guy” bandwagon is one I usually make it a point to avoid because I know that, at the end of the day, it’s far easier to criticize than create. And I really tried to approach each of Cody’s articles with an unbiased point of view. It’s just not working for me. Maybe I’m not high enough. Maybe I’m just not smoking the right product (Does anyone know where I can get some of that “Even-Cody-Seems-Funny” shit?). Either way, I can’t take back my hit for this article. So I might as well take the opportunity to let you know what I thought of it, as a whole: There were words on this page… Some of them were “Fuck”… None of them were funny.
November 15th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
in my opinion he should have slap the shit out of that kid for being there and beign a anoying kid!
November 15th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Sorry, let me explain my “meh.”
I have not been reading all of the comments, but has anyone else noticed that unlike the rest of the (absolutely-ish genius) cracked.com columnists and contributors, Cody seems to actually be attempting to write for The Onion? This reads, for instance, like one of their “point, counterpoint” pieces, although it’s far more lame, and many of the other pieces I’ve looked at by him have a purely satirical-news bent.
I love this site and all of its writers, and I don’t mean to be mean, but if I want pieces like this I can find them elsewhere. ps
November 15th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Isn’t this just a take-off on the Onion’s Point/Counterpoint?
November 15th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Meh.
November 15th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I guess I might find this funny if I hadn’t seen Jurassic Park enough times as a kid to make it completely burned into my retinas. Really though, isn’t it fun to scare kids that shoot their mouth off?
November 15th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Since when do Velociraptors howl
did you even research this article I mean c’mon
November 15th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Proper response to that kid would have been, “Who let Fatty Ding Dong on our site? Get out of here kid!”
November 15th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Heh - the thing that bothered me about that movie (as a paleontologist)?
We tend to like kids. Because they LOVE fossils. I mean, you don’t always want to spend all day with them, but I know very few paleo-types who would be that mean to a kid.
November 15th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
I agree! I have always agreed! That scene was shocking and gratuitous and totally overstepped the line. I thought it was horrible. I was going to eventually put a comment saying, “This has not been a good day for Cracked”, because I’ve really vehemently hated the last 5 articles or so, but I agree so wholeheartedly with the premise of this one that you, Mister Cody Johns(t?)on, have saved Cracked from receiving a very sternly-worded comment from me. Keep it up, and maybe there’ll be no commenters left (because seriously, who just posts to say “lol” or “meh”?).
November 15th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
This was only mildly funny and probably half-assed (at least it looks like it). I expect more from a Cracked.com columnist.
November 15th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Not great. Thought your Goosebumps stuff was hilarious though. I read those books religiously, so to me they were some very faithful parodies.
I didn’t think you got the kid’s voice right in this one. Watch the movie, that kid was very obviously a little snotball. True, he couldn’t defend himself because he was a kid, but that’s not much of an angle. And if he’s saying “fuck that guy” he’s probably not also going to say he was “super mean.” He’s not going to think anything, he’s probably just going to cry. If you can’t get a handle on the kid (and I’m basing this on the idea that you’re not an asshole 10-year old), maybe the perspective of one of the adults watching a grown man scare the fuck out of a little kid would’ve been better.
On the one hand, some idiot brought their kid out into the middle of the fucking desert. Where are his parents? Why aren’t they stopping this? On the other hand, that was funny as hell to watch because he kind of scares you too. (The pause is the best part. “You are alive… when they start to eat you.” Bone-chilling. I love Sam Neill.) and it shut the little bastard up.
The dinosaur would’ve been funny… but there’s no dinosaur in that scene, just bones… so… not really relevant, needs to be in another context.
My point is, don’t just draw on a random scene from something that’s culturally significant just because everyone knows what it is. Go with what you know and if it makes you laugh, fuck all these people. You’re writing for Cracked and they are not, period. From what I can gather, most Cracked writers just seem to be entertaining themselves and it happens to be funny. I’m not trying to be condescending, just offering some constructive criticism. Best of luck on your next one, Cody.
November 15th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
The only reason I ever click on Cody’s articles is to read the anti-cody comments… they are much funnier than his crap.
November 15th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
people say “fail” because it isnt funny.
you can label it all fucking day. It’s not smirk worthy.
lol @ Codysuck’s comment…
November 15th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
I will not shout a hateful rant like the others, but I do agree that, in my opinion, your articles and videos have been very bad. Your sense of humor seems to be like a Where’s Waldo book: you leave obscure references and extremely-subtle remarks and actions that force the reader to search for the humor, which turns out to be mediocre at best. This is what gets people mad; if you can’t directly present the humor, then the humor isn’t good.
Regarding this, the only thing I chuckled at was the velociraptor part. The kid part was a 3-paragraph rant that does seem like an accurate portrayal of what he was thinking. However, there wasn’t one trace of humor, so your accuracy, while respectable, still fails.
November 15th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
I wouldn’t even call this dry humor. I like dry humor. This is more like a little kid trying to impress an older sibling’s friends. He’s trying way too hard to force the funny, and everyone involved must be stopped.
November 15th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
For someone who insults americans and praises the brits I find it odd you use american spelling
November 15th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Hey wait, this is the exact same article, not a repost, mt comment is down there.
@ Mouse.
I guess I can’t tell good dry humor from bad dry humor.
November 15th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
also humility must be one of the retarded coronation street lard suckling British people if they think this is dry humour.
November 15th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
The only thing funny about this article is that an archeologist doesn’t know dinosaurs are related to birds.
November 15th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
On a website full of Americans and others like Americans that aren’t amused at anything thats not a fart joke.
This is dry humor, the kind the British love.
November 15th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
For all those fuckers that can’t think of anything smarter to say and the only thing that comes to your mind is: “fail” Please! Buy a fucking dictionary, read a little bit more, be more original.
Oh! and, do you know no one is putting a fucking gun in your brainless heads to read these articles? Get over yourselves! Get a life! Learn how to write something smarter and positive instead of pure, steamy, smelly shit and wishing people to kill them selves or getting fired.
Idiots (look for it in a dictionary), the meaning is much more offensive than you think.
I think the only reason you type something like: “I tried to like you” “fail” and that kind of crap is because you can’t think of anything better to say. Can you do better than that? I mean, seriously, can you actually write something better?
November 15th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
toxic220: So… kind of like a Turkey?
November 15th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Im sorry man but the rambling wasnt funny, please quit the style. I know u can do better. btw wat was with the raptors responce? wat was the purpose of that, i may of missed it but wow, u had to do that to make people laugh? Cody Cody Cody, This isnt hatemail but an opinion of how this was very bad, u repeated the same jokes throughout the rambling… Oh well try again :S
November 15th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
The Raptor’s response was funny.
November 15th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
funny thing is, since this movie came out, all sorts of new information on dinosaurs and the like has pretty much de-bunked most of the crap in the movie…
I remember taking an ancient life/paleo course in my first year at college and being informed that the velociraptor was not the smartest of dinos - in fact, they were so small and frail that if fast enough, a regular human could easily snap their necks.
November 15th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
This was funny and clever, especially if you watch a lot of movies and have seen Jurassic Park recently. I laughed because I realized that yeah, that was a huge overreaction by Alan Grant and what an inappropriate thing to say to a child. Dark, dry and hilarious.
I’m also glad that unfunny jerkoffs (like the ones who meanly slam this article) don’t rule the comedy world. If it were up to these people, offbeat shit like “Mr. Show” and “Tim and Eric” would have never seen the light of day. Go watch Larry the Cable guy and leave Cody alone.
November 15th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
I have tried to give Cody a chance I really have, since I read every post normally everyday regardless. BUT he’s just not that good. I only clicked this today cause it looked familiar. NOT only is it a repost it’s a repost of an article that sucked the first time around about a month ago. Cracked is really starting to scrap the bottom of the barrel if they are reposting this crap.
November 15th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Why all the Cody hate? I thought this article was hilarious, I’ve been thinking the same thing ever since I watched the movie.
November 15th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Sweet penis, this article sucked!
November 15th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
why all the hatin? He types out like 2x the material anyone else does and alot of it is great.
November 15th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
“# Mebbe Nawt Says:
November 15th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
I try so hard to like you. Really, I do.”
Me too, i’ve tried. But i can’t.
I don’t get it. Is there something i’m missing. Does it need to be decoded to have the funny released.
November 15th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
you gotta get. that. dirt off your shoulder. fuck dem hataz cody you doin’ yo thang, yo doing yo thang B. Fifty told me go ‘head switch yo style up and if they hate them let ‘em hate and watch the money pile up. peace.
November 15th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
I was wondering why this article was so boring until I looked at the author.
November 15th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Win.
November 15th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
I think the fact that Cody’s antithesis (a.k.a. CodySucks) has made a short paragraph that contains more comedy than the entire collective works of Cody himself happens to be hilarious. That is all.
November 15th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
I think this shit got worse
November 15th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
So he is making a parodity of bad comedy? GENIOUS! OMG Cody YOUR SO FUCKING AWESOME I WANT TO HAVE BABIES WITH YOU!!!!!
November 15th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
I think what irks some of us about the virulent criticism that Cody has been constantly bombarded with is the attitude of entitlement coming from so many of the angry critics. Guess what? Not everything is meant to entertain YOU PERSONALLY. Some of you don’t enjoy these articles, but some of us do. Clicking a link does not entitle you to be amused. Stop acting like you put a lot of effort into reading the article and therefore you “deserve” a reward. You clicked a link, it’s not that strenuous.
November 15th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Its almost as if Cody’s keyboard makes it so that whenever he types an endless landslide of diarrhea (shitslide) just oozes out onto the internet and instantly becomes labled as comedy. Now personally I think he is being satirical of bad comedy by posting something that is so completely foul and unfunny in every sense that it cannot possibly be taken seriously. But by posting something as wretched as this he has somehow created a masterpiece due to the fact that this is clearly a mockery of all of those internet articles that end up being sorry and dissapointing.
November 15th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
hmm…what about the shovel in the scene? does it not get a voice? and how about the dirt, mother earth herself is silent on this one?
November 15th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Cody’s best
November 15th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
repost
November 15th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Dinogasm!
November 15th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
See on the homepage where it says the name of the article, followed by the name of the writer? Well, if you don’t like someones work, don’t click on it. If a particular writers work isn’t being read/getting hits, Cracked will likely get rid of them. Everyone has different tastes and the quality of someones work can’t really be judged by whether or not you like it personally. If people excercise some common sense, then writers who really dont appeal to anyone will be weeded out. But don’t start bitching because you feel that the internet has somehow failed in its obligations to entertain your miserable self and validate the 5 minutes you took away from jerking off or playing World of Warcraft. You are given in advance all of the information you need to make an informed decision. Try doing that instead of whining and complaining about how everything in the world isn’t geared specifically towards you.
November 15th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
I try so hard to like you. Really, I do.
November 15th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
this is funny stop tearing the shit out of him
November 15th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
“Do way pay to access the site?”
Erm, that should read “Do we pay to access the site?”, obviously.
November 15th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
It doesn’t take a master chef to be able to tell when a dog shit taco tastes like… dog shit. It also doesn’t take a comedian to know when something isn’t funny. I know I’m preaching to a brick wall here, but “OMGZ IF U CAN DO BETTUR THEN DO IT!” isn’t a valid argument. Personally, I enjoyed this one… Cody’s been kinda hit or miss for me, but I don’t hate him and I think he’s contributed some decent stuff so far. But the fact is, the comments section isn’t just for sucking the writer’s cock and cradling his balls… it’s a place for, you know… comments. Do way pay to access the site? No, but if people don’t enjoy what the site is offering then they will stop visiting… which is going to stop ad revenue from flowing in. So yeah, we like to let the staff know what we do or do not enjoy… it kinda benefits everyone.
November 15th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
You’re right Hax! We should all complain about something for free that we cannot or do not do!
How dare cody be an internet writer! How dare he have a story on a site you read for free! How dare he prevent you from hitting your back button and making you read the whole thing!
November 15th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
This was dreadful. And I clicked on it because it sounded like it had potential.
November 15th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
The first part was good…
I’ve liked Cody so far. His stuff is angry and strange and awesome.
But this was just far too short.
November 15th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Not horrible, but not brilliant either.
November 15th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
The people telling us not to click on it if we won’t find it funny are missing the point. Cody’s generally shitty articles (with very few exceptions) are taking up one spot that could be filled with something genuinely funny. Of course we’re going to complain.
This one was horrible. That said, it doesn’t cost me anything to read articles on Cracked, so after voicing my opinion, I’m off to elsewhere. Don’t see why everyone gets worked up as hell about it.
November 15th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Cody, we understand you’re trying. It’s not you, it’s your horrible sense of comedy. Really, no one really enjoys you. Just trying to stop you while you’re ahead.
November 15th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Can’t you guys find a better writer? Seriously
November 15th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Is there any way I can take my page hit back? I’m almost temped to create a digg account just to dig it down…
November 15th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
I find Cody’s articles and videos are sort of dark humor. Not in your face or laugh out loud humor, but interesting viewpoints. Definitely an oddball when compared to the other columnists on this website, but still quite funny.
November 15th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Fire Cody please.
November 15th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Please just stop Cody. You are ruining a great site.
November 15th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Uh, was this supposed to be funny?
This topic really isn’t made for writing an article on it. Also, you didn’t really get creative at all, everything is so 0815.
And don’t you dare ask me to “do better” or just “don’t read it if I don’t like it”. Even if I can’t do any better than Cody I still can state my opinion on it, jeez.
November 15th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
This is almost as funny as Stalin’s stool.
November 15th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
I don’y know if anybody alread pointed this out, but the answet to the kids question can be found HERE TADAAAAA
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=16
November 15th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
This is just retarded. Half-wits in my high school are funnier than you. This is like the kind of crap you would hand in to a speech teacher because, the night before, you were up till 5am masturbating and only had 10 minutes during breakfast to write.
November 15th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
“never lets the boy respond”. ‘let’s’ is the contraction, ‘lets’ is to allow.
November 15th, 2009 at 11:51 am
I don’t know how people so stuck up and utterly retarded manage to find a comedy website and read it (maybe the retarded I get). Loosen up you little dipshits, not everything is as it seems. Cody’s humor is not as subtle or refined as what you are used to, but I for one enjoy his random bullshit ranting.
Though I don’t usually partake of this argument, I will in this particular case. If you KNOW you WILL NOT like something, then WHY THE HELL do you click on it?! That is the best example of Sheer Determined Retardation that I have ever seen, and ever hope to see.
Well played Cody.
November 15th, 2009 at 11:48 am
I thought it was all right. I do like the velociraptor. However, my favorite scene from that movie was when the tyrannosaurus ate the dude who was sitting on the toilet. I guess I’m kind of juvenile that way.
November 15th, 2009 at 11:46 am
I agree it was short, but to all the cody non-fans, let’s see you do better.
you can enter your shit too. c’mon put it up here for every one to tear apart.
November 15th, 2009 at 11:42 am
this is fucking terrible.
November 15th, 2009 at 11:41 am
This is not even about being different. This just sucks balls so hard. I love change. I am a fan of change. I love something different BUT ONLY IF ITS GOOD. Good god please fucking leave. This is terible. Everything you do is terrible. I’m not even gonna be clever in this comment. I don’t care. You are just so god awful I don’t know what to do anymore. Why are you on here Cody??? Why?
November 15th, 2009 at 11:40 am
The kid was right anyway, I mean, raptors are just birds. but back in the 90’s we still thought all dinos were more lizardlike, but now we know that some were more birdlike, especially the raptors. I think that kid should beat Grant’s ass.
November 15th, 2009 at 11:27 am
I saw what you were trying to do nd it didn’t do it for me. I liked the raptor, though. Raptors are okay. Also, congrats on getting your comment section back. And also also, this was incredibly short. I know you’re getting shit on it by far more vicious people than I, but still. I don’t wait a whole week for Sunday for three paragraphs and a raptor.
November 15th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Someone please explain to cody that he isn’t working for the onion, and even if he was he’d be doing a bad job at it.
November 15th, 2009 at 11:26 am
The usual mix of terrible and predictable humor. I wasn’t even aware of the whole “cody war” thing going on until I read his last article and clicked the author name, discovering that all the articles I’ve really disliked in the past months have been written by the same guy.
November 15th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Ha, the Raptor’s part really got me
November 15th, 2009 at 11:18 am
I liked it… it’s true, poor kiddo.
November 15th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Where is the rest?
November 15th, 2009 at 11:13 am
“GRRRRROOOOOOOOWLLL! ROAWR! SNAAAAAARL!!! GRAAAAAAAARL!!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWLLL!! ROAAAAAAAAAAWWW
I speak velociraptor.
WWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!!! GROWL SNARL ROAR!!! GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAARLLL!!! ”
XD…
November 15th, 2009 at 11:07 am
A little short. I am pretty sure there where other people there at the time. I would like to hear from them.
But not bad so far. Fuck the worlds Dr. Grants. Stop making kids shit their pants. Hey, that rhymes. Awesome, I am the man!
November 15th, 2009 at 11:00 am
this was good
November 15th, 2009 at 10:56 am
this post is teh lulz cody. the people that don’t like this post claimed that they would rather have a beer bottle shuved up their ass sideways or something like that. you don’t wanna take criticism or associate with a weirdo like that, right?
November 15th, 2009 at 10:51 am
I admit Cody’s stuff isn’t always great, but at least it’s different. I mean, I love Swaim and DOB’s stuff, but it’s kinda formulaic. With Cody’s stuff, there’s some variation, a bit of randomness.
November 15th, 2009 at 10:48 am
I liked it. I don’t know what everyone’s problem is. If people don’t like Cody’s articles then they could just… not open up and read them! :O
November 15th, 2009 at 10:39 am
I find it funny how I come to Cracked every day, and get full length articles of at least 2 pages. Then, ONE day of the week, we get someone posting something a bit shorter, and everyone makes it sound like this is what we get day in and day out. Honestly, the only difference I see between Cody and the other columnists, besides the size of his articles, is his name. HOWEVER, this particular article wasn’t really laugh out loud funny, but OH FUCKING WELL. I will shrug my shoulders and move on with my life. I take solace in the fact all of these angry commentators are steaming in their own bullshit while I’m moving on to better things.
November 15th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Yeah, that kid was being a little asshole and the absolutely bad ass Sam Neil fucking pwned him, end of story.
WHAT PROBLEM DO YOU HAVE WITH THIS?
Was the inspiration for your story some kind of faggot compassion for that smug little brat’s whiny ignorance about the maiming capabilities of prehistoric beasts?
Cracked, I think it’s time to let Cody go.
November 15th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Loved the ending.
November 15th, 2009 at 10:29 am
FUCK YOU CODY THIS IS LIKE THE THIRD TIME YOU’VE POSTED THIS SAME SHIT.
That being said, why can’t you just come up with new stuff instead of just dressing up the earlier shit that wasn’t funny.
We as readers are, to put it mildly, ’somewhat resistant to new stuff.’ We come here for something, and you do not give that something to us. CHANGE.
November 15th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Not sure why cracked posts everything you write cody but most of it is terrible. Like a Kathy-Griffin-on-Seinfeld terrible. Maybe less quantity more quality
November 15th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Yeah… A repost of something that was never close to funny on the original post. Nice work! And by work I mean shoving a broken beer bottle up my ass sideways.
November 15th, 2009 at 10:08 am
Funny stuff. The commenters saying it wasn’t funny don’t know anything. Classic stuff right there.
November 15th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Hahaha, loved it Cody.
November 15th, 2009 at 9:53 am
not funny cody. Just stop.
November 15th, 2009 at 9:46 am
meh
November 15th, 2009 at 9:43 am
ehh, didnt find it to funny… good idea for topic but i think it could have been done better…. look forward to your next articles to see if you can improve
November 15th, 2009 at 9:34 am
You have potential, Cody… Just pick better topics. This one was kinda funny for a sentence or two. But choose something that has potential to be funny for someone with more than the mental capacity of a 2 year old.
November 15th, 2009 at 9:33 am
I saw numbers and hoped this would be longer, but I still laughed.
November 15th, 2009 at 9:29 am
Please go away Cody
November 15th, 2009 at 9:29 am
It took me a while to get it, but the premise is kinda funny!
Just imagine it’s like the office
where both the velociraptor and the kid were kinda like interviewed after the incident
November 15th, 2009 at 9:27 am
“And you keep still because you think that maybe his visual acuity is based on movement like T-Rex…” I was thinking, why on earth would a non-retarded Doctor of Paleontology presume a young boy would think that? I think the original character was intended to be older like a paleontology intern in high school or college. So, what was originally intended to be a territorial Dr. Grant getting in a dick-measuring contest with a younger version of himself, became him dressing down a young boy instead. Honestly I think if the acting wasn’t done by Sam Neill the bit would’ve been entirely irredeemable. Also, did anyone else here notice that Cody seems to have done this in Point-Counterpoint format like he wanted to sell this to Theonion?
November 15th, 2009 at 9:17 am
still funnier than Seanbaby will ever be. That’s not accomplishing much, Cody, but it’s something.
November 15th, 2009 at 9:15 am
J Dizzle, are you saying Cody has a giant gang bang in his mouth with all the Cracked staff after work?
November 15th, 2009 at 9:01 am
The only thing sadder than the people who’ll hate Cody regardless of what he does are those who’ll obstinately defend him regardless of what he does.
November 15th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Come on, it wasn’t THAT bad. At least you people don’t have need be such dickheads about it
November 15th, 2009 at 9:00 am
This is terrible material for a stand alone article- it would have worked better as a “7 Dick Moves in Movies We All Love” or something like that. Then again, I have this feeling Cracked has done at least 12 of those.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:48 am
After all these years, the Velociraptor finally gets its say.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:42 am
Cody = like.
This article though = not funny.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:41 am
Worthless… I came to cracked.com to waste time, not life
November 15th, 2009 at 8:36 am
I have felt the same way about this for ages.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:32 am
I liked it. I loved it. Cody is kickass. But HATERS GON HATE so he’ll never have a carefree time here.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:31 am
Oh, so it really was a boy. Mystery solved.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:23 am
Most of these comments aren’t funny, yet are funnier than the article. Strange.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Cracked…let this kid go back to Livejournal, plz. You waste my time with putting this on the front page, misleading me into thinking that something worthwhile is to be read, and have done so every time with this person’s work.
Some people are just not comedy writers, and should not be forced into it, as is apparent with Cody.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:20 am
This had potential to go so many places and be hilarious. Alas, alack. Still, “Fuck that guy. I hope he has something terrifying happen to him. Then maybe he’ll like kids,” made me chuckle for some reason.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:19 am
What the fuck was that.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:18 am
Some constructive criticism: try not basing articles off of such a small amount of material. I know, I know, the whole thing is supposed to be about posting frequent, shorter articles; but most people don’t like that as much as less frequent, longer articles. Try putting more work into each article and thinking out the jokes more, exploring several different avenues of saying the same thing. Trust me, you’ll get a much better response that way.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Eh, I thought it was actually pretty funny, though it was too short. I know that was kinda the point, in the name of comedy, but I think longer would have been better in this case.
Of course then everyone complaining about how much this sucked would have just left a “TL;DR”
November 15th, 2009 at 8:11 am
Cody IS like that one chick in high school, but even though her papers are horribly written, they come out hilarious. Who cares if cody failed high school, as long as he had an experience being a chick and writing hilarious shit?
November 15th, 2009 at 7:56 am
Cody is like that one chick in high school English class that waits until the night before to write her essay, then brings it in late the next day expecting an A and calling it her best work, but deserving to be dropped out of the class because everything she writes is terrible, but for some reason she keeps showing up to class, usually 20 minutes late and still is getting a passing grade.
All the other students are giving golden A+ papers and are giving effort, but this clownshoes bitch with the pancake makeup and stuffed bra with bleach blonde hair is still allowed to pass because she is sucking off the teacher after school hours.
And yes. He IS taking some other writers job. PLEASE GET RID OF THIS GUY!
November 15th, 2009 at 7:55 am
Horrible. Appears to me he didn’t even try.
November 15th, 2009 at 7:53 am
Funny article, I like the list-based surprise,
November 15th, 2009 at 7:49 am
Felt nothing but the deepest seeded burning hatred. Haha. Deepest seeded… No, but seriously. This is horrible.
November 15th, 2009 at 7:47 am
Kinda funny. Brings up a good point of how Alan Grant was kinda evil to that kid. Maybe it was karma for all that stuff to happen at Jurassic Park.
November 15th, 2009 at 7:37 am
Pathetic
November 15th, 2009 at 7:31 am
@ GodlyGibbon
I’m not afraid of change. In fact, I usually like change since it brings new perspectives to things and so on.
I just don’t like when the change is going from funny articles to bad, not-even-close-to-funny articles.
This is a humor site. I have no idea why Cody is a columnist here.
Didn’t even crack a smile.
November 15th, 2009 at 7:22 am
Agreed. No effort. This story reminds me of some fat guy wiping his ass till it’s only half clean and just saying fuck it and pulling up his pants. You suck.
November 15th, 2009 at 7:09 am
Godly, your analogy would hold up if this were the same writer doing a new column. He’s a new(er) writer on a fairly long-running site, which has had, on average, far better material than his. By “better,” I mean better thought out and organized, as well as actually being funny. So…you know. Stuff.
November 15th, 2009 at 7:06 am
Too bad there was not a remark about the midget face of the boy.
November 15th, 2009 at 6:59 am
wow, a whole article based on two lines in a movie. This wasn’t even that funny, and clearly no effort was put into it.
November 15th, 2009 at 6:51 am
Guys, let it go. You don’t have to be afraid of change, its not like Cody is stealing another writer’s job. If you dont like it then don’t read it. That being said, I liked this one.
November 15th, 2009 at 6:43 am
Probably to establish that the paleontologist didn’t like kids? Because he had to deal with the other two kids later in the movie.
November 15th, 2009 at 6:38 am
Seems like it was time to write a Cracked article but Cody only had 5 minutes to throw something together.
November 15th, 2009 at 6:34 am
Here is a great place——- Cougarmatching.com ——- It’s a premiere cougar dating community for older women seeking younger men and young men seeking cougars. Come in, post a message, a picture of yourself and check out the hot photo galleries. You will find someone you like here…
November 15th, 2009 at 6:22 am
Funny. But this was written a while ago. More of Cody’s stuff should make the front page. All the people complaining are just really afraid of change, it always happens. It’s like people saying a new album isn’t as good as the band’s old stuff, when it actually kicks ass. I dunno why they do it.
November 15th, 2009 at 6:20 am
the dinosaur touched a vital point
November 15th, 2009 at 6:05 am
I always thought it was strange Dr. Grant took offense to the kid calling the Raptor a turkey, then spends the entire rest of the movie saying how the dinosaurs evolved into birds.
November 15th, 2009 at 5:56 am
Goddamnit, this guy sucks ass. I can write better than this.
November 15th, 2009 at 5:43 am
“I think Cody is British. Dry Humor like this really is their thing. Seriously talking about something preposterous.”
Woah, now. We don’t want this crap either. You forgot the words “to make it actually funny” on the end of that sentence. ^_^
November 15th, 2009 at 5:36 am
Well I thought that was just swell.
November 15th, 2009 at 5:35 am
Fucking hell Cody I hate you with every fibre of my being, your work is neither smart, ironic or funny it is just fucking garbage plain and simple. Stop this at once and go back to making suits from womens skin in your grandmothers house you goon.
November 15th, 2009 at 5:22 am
Hmm, it’s sort of depressing that my last comment is five comments down, and that this is back up on the front page. I guess that’s what happens when you come to an article late. Except for I deliberately read the columns that I’ve missed specifically because it shouldn’t be back up on the main page.
Or was this ever ON the front page? I remember reading that Cody’s articles would be high in volume, and not so high in being featured…
Meh. REPEATING = BAD.
November 15th, 2009 at 5:20 am
Wow, the fact that people don’t get such simple jokes really astounds me.
1) The misspelling of velociraptor: Ever watch South Park? The kids on that show mis-pronounce words all the time to show that they don’t understand what they’re talking about and are just mimicking the sound of the word. Know why they do this? They’re fucking kids.
2) The velociraptor’s dialogue: The author said he was presenting a rebuttal from all involved parties that didn’t get to speak. The three parties were Dr. Grant, The Kid, and the Raptor. Dr. Grant got all the dialogue in the movie, so the only two left were the kid and the raptor. This is pretty straightforward.
All of that being said, I didn’t find this funny because there’s nothing funny about velociraptors. Given half a chance, they’d kill you and everyone you care about. Thank God they don’t know how to open doors…
November 11th, 2009 at 11:44 pm
heee heee hee hee
November 4th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
this brought the lols
November 1st, 2009 at 10:40 pm
I’m confused but i still laughed.
October 30th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
that kid was a little shit your he shouldnt of scared him he shoulda knocked him the fuck out
October 30th, 2009 at 1:30 am
I watched this movie the other day, and I thought it was awful how Dr. Grant scared that kid! And his parents didn’t say a single thing!!!
So… I actually found this article both timely and HILARIOUS.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Bahahaha, this made me laugh.
I was reading the first perspective thinking, “When’s the funny going to happen?”
Nice work. ^_____________^
October 27th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Love the perspective. Good job.
October 26th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
LOL Seriously, I laughed. Nice article, these keep getting better and better.
October 25th, 2009 at 7:05 am
Hahahaha going back through Cody posts I’ve missed - this is one of the best!
October 24th, 2009 at 6:32 am
Ignore those turds, Cody- keep up the good work! Freaking hilarious.
October 20th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
BWM are you fvckin shitting me? Only Gladstone, Seanbaby and Swaim can write funny blog posts?!?! Dude are you forgetting about DOB, Brockway and Bucholz?!?! They are hilarious! Besides Gladstone hasn’t been seen since he went on an african lion safari wearing only his pork thong, and Swaim only makes homoerotica videos now. So, Meh… Cody I’m still not sure about yet. This one was alright, most of the others only seem half funny, like almost funny but not quite. They seem to be getting better though so I’ll assume with a little practice you can be a funny cracked writer and I’ll keep reading to see if that happens.
October 20th, 2009 at 9:20 am
I think Cody is British. Dry Humor like this really is their thing. Seriously talking about something preposterous.
October 19th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Good God this was hilarious.
October 19th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Man, I love Cody’s writing. He’s so funny, and adds a little variety to Cracked. Loves it.
October 18th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
I find disagreeing with someone named Jesus Tits imposible on too many levels. The comments are the best tho.
October 18th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Seriously, leave the guy alone. Like someone said below yall are acting like he is hurting you on some emotional level while kicking your dog and laughing at your small penis.
Keep writing Cody, I enjoy your articles, especially this one, and hopefully others will warm up to them soon. if not… fuck em’
October 18th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
Why do i find myself seeking out your articles Cody? Each time i visit cracked for comic relief i have to see your next article because i’m hoping (along with many others), sooner rather than later this written diarrhoea will cease, and your sudden comedy gems will bring a smile to my face..before i chew it off…because this is becoming painful.
October 18th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
I don’t see why anyone thinks it’s anything besides hyperbole to want to kill this writer. That being said, he’s not very funny. THAT being said, only Gladstone, Seanbaby, and Swaim are capable of making a funny blog post, so I guess he fits right in.
October 18th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
awful
October 18th, 2009 at 9:57 am
God-fucking-dammit, Cody!
I decided to give you a couple of weeks before I piped up… Maybe that initial dump of every un-funny thing you ever committed to paper wasn’t indicative of your overall comedic prowess. Nope. Turns out that was some of your best material.
Case in point: “vemosomaptor”
It’s just a childish misspelling. It doesn’t reference any other concept, humorous or otherwise. Why is that funny? Vemosomaptor is acceptable only if used to transition to other, genuinely rib-tickling, misspellings that are too different from the original to be immediately recognizable by the reader. Fellatosnapper, for example. Or Velveetacaptor. Or Vendettapastor.
Brockway and D.O.B. should feed you alka-selzer until you rupture like a gull, and then turn your fizzing carcass into an effigy of Seanbaby. Or maybe you could just go work for Hallmark.
Also, your mom’s a bitch.
October 18th, 2009 at 8:56 am
Eh. I give him a new chance every time I read his articles, and every time, I dislike them. Maybe he’s not my cup of tea, maybe he’s just incredibly stupid, who knows? I’ll keep giving him chances when I’m putting off important work though.
October 18th, 2009 at 7:05 am
Jesus Christ, guys, if you don’t fucking like Cody’s articles, DON’T FUCKING READ THEM. No one’s forcing you to read Cody’s stuff. Get the fuck over it.
October 18th, 2009 at 3:25 am
When I first saw there was a new writer at cracked I was happy about being able to read some new comedy that was fresh and had a different style to the other columnists. Now I am disappointed, not just with you Cody, but with whoever made the decision to give you an opportunity to write articles that are about as funny as the idea of me writing negative comments while I listen to music and drink Jack Daniels. I don’t know how this came to pass but I sure hope whoever is responsible praised you for your dick sucking ability.
Fuck you Cody, and fuck anyone who tells me to be nice to Cody.
October 18th, 2009 at 1:34 am
O. Cody. I think you’re adorable.
October 17th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
For the love of God, people. Give him a break. He’s new. His articles are chuckle-worthy, if you’d all stop being self-righteous pricks, whining ’cause his sense of humor is different from the other columnists’.
You’re all acting like his writing deeply and personally offends you, your country, and yo mama. If you can’t do what normal people do and GET THE HELL OVER IT, just fuck off.
October 17th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
I don’t know if I just don’t understand him or if he is a 12 year old but none of his shit is funny to me. This is a humor site.
October 17th, 2009 at 10:29 am
I don’t think any of these sad commenters could write an article half as good as Cody.
October 17th, 2009 at 10:19 am
This is typical Cody work. He takes a modestly funny concept, and then drives it into the ground and turns it into shit.
The title is all you really need to know to get the joke he’s trying to make. And with the punchline to the lame joke already given in the title, one would expect that to make up for this, the article itself would be a real winner to compensate. But no, we just get more of the same repetitive drivel that’s in all of Cody’s other articles. He says the same damn thing…over…and over… and over… And even if was “kind of funny” in the beginning, by the end it is unbearable. And the second part of the joke? Not unexpected, not witty, just fucking asinine.
October 16th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
Bring back Wolinsky or something for god sakes.
October 16th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
I thought it was funny, he was thinking of a funny version of the kid flipping out on the guy in his mind after the whole incident with the vemosomaptors’ claw. lol, this guy Cody is slowly becoming one of my favourite writers for this site.
Well done and keep up the good work, Cody!
October 16th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
I hate you so much Cody, I really do go get eated by a fucking Snake-Monster.
October 16th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
wow…just wow. I seriously hope this Cody douchebag isn’t getting paid real legal tender for these articles.
October 16th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
“Uncomplicated Humor” must be another way of saying “Simple Crap”, or Humor for Morons.
October 16th, 2009 at 8:03 am
this was alright but i think the joke was a little drawn out
October 16th, 2009 at 5:56 am
@Lorenzo
I think you’re onto something there.
I enjoyed Cody’s article but, acting on your words of wisdom, decided to kick my parents in their respective privates anyway. In lieu of complaining about the education I received while growing up I also just went ahead and stole their wallets.
An elderly couple off the street qualifies as my parents if I call them “mom” and “pop”, right? Even if I’ve never seen them before?
At any rate, thanks for the advice!
October 16th, 2009 at 5:44 am
I hate that my parents only sent me to a school to learn how to spell “uncomplicated”
October 16th, 2009 at 4:19 am
i just…. i just don’t get it. any of them. i don’t get any of them.
October 16th, 2009 at 3:06 am
Yeah if you dont understand the article, dont hate on Cody… rather do this… …
#1 Walk up to your parents
#2 kick them in the penis & Vagina respectively
#3 while they’re lying on the floor in the fetal position demand (in a shouty voice) why they didnt send you to the PROPER school for a PROPER education because you cant understand completely UNCOMPLICTED humour…
October 16th, 2009 at 2:51 am
hehehe, pretty cool.
October 15th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
Lol, Nice work.
October 15th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
Hey, does anyone know what cracked did with all the funny articles?
October 15th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
awsome article. #2 on that list was amazing too. XP
seriously though loved it made me laugh
October 15th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
@ all of you who said you read all of Cody’s articles without smiling…
Be nice.
Having a whore mother can’t be easy
October 15th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
I don’t get the joke, sure I don’t remember Jurassic Park too well, but it should be funny on other merits besides “Hey we understand that reference LOLOLOLOL”. Overall 2 stars
October 15th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
This is so funny. I giggled until my employer hit me in the head with her cane.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Better.
October 15th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
Man, I love your work Cody, your randomness is quite delightful. Keep it up.
October 15th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
I read a Cody article on Cracked.com today. FML
October 15th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Hey I thought that was great xD
October 15th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
I think it’s funny that the only people that like your articles are the ones who can find free and easy singles every night for fun or whatever. Maybe those of us not getting laid must lash out at your interweb mediocrity. Even though I think both the premise and execution of your article are funny, I hated it!
NOT GOOD JOB CODY
October 15th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Cody, I like what you try to do, but I hate how you do it.
I honestly could see humor arising out of many undeveloped plot lines in many good movies, especially Jurassic Park. However, while I find it interesting to think about what could have been, what direction the story could have gone in, I don’t find it particularly funny the way you have written this.
I am starting to believe that your thought process is close to mine, we might go about solving problems in eerily similar ways. I draw this comparisson because I want to point out that I do not attempt semi-professional writing. Just as you SHOULD NOT ATTEMPT TO WRITE. I’m very well read, and am occasionally good for some decent satire, but other than that, my writing is shit. (maybe I dont put enough time into it?) You should focus on quality not quantity. What I mean is, (and I will put a line break in here for emphasis)
Write when you think of something funny, not because you feel forced to keep adding new content. When you do that, you seem to just go to a well known movie and sort of talk about a scene for a while.
Sincerely yours, John
ps. Your shit still isnt funny. When you stop posting shit, I will stop commenting. Post something good, or don’t post.
October 15th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
first article i read = just awful
second = thought you were gonna do a seanbaby and improve
third = holy crap, not only is that just awful, its about something cool. treason.
etc etc
October 15th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
i still hate you. but cracked is notoriously bad at dinosaur articles so imma let you off…
October 15th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
SHUT UP.
just please stop trying.
October 15th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
I hope you get AIDS and die a mercilessly slow death you unfunny bitch
October 15th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Holy shit, I just watched Jurassic Park yesterday for the first time in like 10 years and now I’m seeing loads of shit about it.
Also I was thinking the same thing when I watched that scene. That guy was a douche.
October 15th, 2009 at 10:44 am
” I’m a fucking kid!”
Quoted for truth.
October 15th, 2009 at 9:50 am
HAHAHA, that was awesome!!
October 15th, 2009 at 9:16 am
Good stuff! Love it!
You will love it!
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October 15th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Come on, Cody. I’ve been reading your articles and have been trying my best not to leave a negative comment but dammit! I would LIKE for you to be funny. I really would. I don’t enjoy coming to this site and reading half-assed humor. Especially not from a columnist. Seriously dude, do you get paid to do this? Can you please calm the fuck down and write ONE good article a week instead of 50 shitty ones. It’s like you got a chance to play in the NFL and you keep tackling Refs and lobbing pass at cheerleaders. PLEASE STOP DOING THIS. Can you please stop being so obvious? Can you please stop publishing your first draft?
I understand that maybe we have a different sense of humor but I find your articles to be offensively not funny. Like Dane Cook or an episode of ‘Friends’. Please stop going for obvious jokes. Or ones that make very little sense.
And most of all: GRRRRROOOOOOOOWLLL! ROAWR! SNAAAAAARL!!! GRAAAAAAAARL!!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWLLL!! ROAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!!! GROWL SNARL ROAR!!! GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAARLLL!!!
See isn’t that stupid? Are you trying to say that the dinosaur is scared by the paleontologist as well? It’s probably funnier visually than written. Whatever. Cut it out.
October 15th, 2009 at 7:59 am
fail. you’re not even trying anymore.
October 15th, 2009 at 7:37 am
Keep it up Cody. This is hilarious.
Boo on all you nay-sayers.
October 15th, 2009 at 7:06 am
Sorry, but this just wasn’t funny. I have read all of your articles so far without smiling.
October 15th, 2009 at 12:52 am
Thank you Cody for trying.
But you failed.
Go kill yourself.
October 15th, 2009 at 12:51 am
… is clearly from Cody or his whoring mother.
October 14th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
I liked this quite a bit.
October 14th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
@BGH122- you need to get over yourself. Nobody on this site writes and develops characters in the amount of space they are writing in. Characters are not going to be developed in 8 paragraphs that wouldn’t even be considered a short story… The real problem is that most of the people that read this site love shock humor and dick jokes (myself included). Cody’s style is more like a Stephen wright joke, dry, deadpanned, and funny but doesn’t translate well in writing (I enjoy it honestly.)….Most of the people bitching so much here are the same people who love lisa lampanelli. scream PUSSY CUNT ASS! and everyone is laughing. when only 14 year olds laugh at that when it is used as just shock value.
October 14th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOT HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!
October 14th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Fail.
October 14th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
boo
October 14th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
seems funny enough…
October 14th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
It’s called Doctor Mister Blog with Doctor Mister Cody and it updates multiple times a week, so… keep that in mind.
October 14th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Heheh, he’s pretty good.
October 14th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
I’ve been on the fence about Cody (leaning towards being unimpressed) but this article was funny as shit. It made the funny, and it ended quickly. Plus, it was a nice little “fuck you” to all the morons who can’t read anything with subheads and bullet points.
Cody’s hit-and-miss, but he’s got talent and amusing ideas. Take your whining elsewhere, fairies!
October 14th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
fuck you cody!! fagget!!
October 14th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
You still suck, Cody. Get the fuck out.
October 14th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
COBRAS!!!! COBRAS!!!
October 14th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
I hope this helps son: http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=6&sku=ENGL-CD00422
Chin up Buckaroo.
XOXO!
October 14th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
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October 14th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
The sad thing Lordy Al3ks, is that he can’t do better than this.
October 14th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
This was predictable and wasn’t really funny until the last line of the first paragraph. I know you can do better than this.
October 14th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Not proud to say that I got all of those Jurassic Park references immediately
October 14th, 2009 at 10:55 am
…fucks John’s better than her illegitimate son writes.
October 14th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Sorry 32.
I subsist entirely on a diet of young yet fully-grown cats.
As for science… well, you can’t argue with science!
October 14th, 2009 at 10:24 am
Cohiba:
I can’t really debate you when you honestly present your intent. I mean hell…that’s science, man.
Dinner tonight? I’m making spotted dick.
October 14th, 2009 at 10:09 am
And yes. I’m allowed to rip on Cody’s Mom because I used to be her.
Threadwise, of course.
October 14th, 2009 at 9:46 am
I think we all hated you early on because you didn’t write articles per say, just short paragraphs. You gave no time to build up the joke and kind of just spat it out like a first time comedian on open mic night. I really want to give you a chance Cody, but it probably took you like what an hour to come up with this idea and write it. I bet the other writers take days to work on a single idea. Take some more time and please don’t give away the joke in the title…
October 14th, 2009 at 9:44 am
@Why?????
Has it occurred to you that the reason that most of it was written by a 9 year old kid with zero knowledge of how to write fluently, is that most of it is written from the point of view of a child, roughly 9 years of age, with little comprehension extended syntax?
October 14th, 2009 at 9:35 am
No offense, but your article has absolutely NO flow. This article seems like it was written by a 9 year old kid with zero knowledge of how to write fluently.
The thing is, anyone can rant but it takes some degree of skill to incorporate humor into an article (like how 90% of the cracked articles written by other columnists).
I’m glad to see that there’s another columnist on cracked (I tend to read a lot from this site) but I seriously hope that you learn a thing or two from the other columnists.
Thanks for the article though.
October 14th, 2009 at 9:06 am
32,
You’ve finally figured out why I do it - why I defend the man. I mean, I’m going to save this sonofabitch (Literally. She’s a bitch. You’ve read her comments around here…) no matter what it takes. This is the only platform I truly have.
Well, that plus the fact that I find the guy amusing personally. That’s neither here nor there. This is about me, goddammit.
Cody getting clicks means more readers for me as well.
October 14th, 2009 at 8:54 am
i always have high hopes for a new cracked writer, but damn. i’m slowly being let down by cody. everything he’s written i’ve read with a straight face
October 14th, 2009 at 8:34 am
Easily the best thing published by this columnist so far.
October 14th, 2009 at 8:16 am
If anyone cares, Grant disliking children, and that entire scene, were added to the movie.
In the book (yeah, I know) Grant likes kids because, after all, kids like dinosaurs. Why the hell wouldn’t he like kids?
October 14th, 2009 at 8:00 am
Once again, Cohiba et al prove to be funnier than the actual article. This is why I click Cody’s links. In another week I’m going to stop reading them entirely and just copy+paste my old flame posts.
Cohiba, while I found the dinosaur’s observations to be insightful, I can’t help but think he’s a bit biased on the whole “playing with your food” bit.
October 14th, 2009 at 7:56 am
I sort of half-chuckled once or twice in this article. The problem is that other writers (especially Bucholz, in my opinion) are just so apt at narrative and character development. When reading their articles I get a real sense that the characters they write about, even the bit-parts that appear for max half a paragraph, are really clearly defined in their heads; what motivates them, why they’re in the scene and, most importantly, how they’re reinforcing the protagonist’s character and driving the narrative. Case in point: your introduction of the mother as a character could potentially have been hilarious, as she seemed a source of more complex adult humour which would have contrasted the pointless childish rambling nicely.
This is something you really need to work on, instead of attempting to claim that it’s a problem with cracked’s demographic that’s lead to your articles being found unfunny. Please don’t listen to the pretentious idiots who’d like to believe they’re a cut above everyone else (”Make it a list coz I r teh only one hu has the intelligance to understand ur jokes w/o a list format coz all of the other cracked readers r dum”), one can write successful stories widely enjoyed by the cracked demographic without resorting to lists (as basically every other cracked columnist proves weekly).
October 14th, 2009 at 7:27 am
FUCKING WHAT?! Did that honestly seem funny when you were writing it? I mean– Gah! It’s just… so… not. Goddamn, you suck.
October 14th, 2009 at 6:50 am
Thank God you’ve finally figured out the need for a list format. One of the things you’ll learn quite quickly is that the average Cracked reader has an attention span that lasts approximately as long as it takes to read two short paragraphs of text. This is why the list format is so important and by damn, you’d better make those lists succinct.
October 14th, 2009 at 5:59 am
It really would have been a much better scene if Dr. Grant pulled a pistol out on that kid.
“Listen Kid. This is my fucking job and I take it fucking seriously. You’re not the first little bastard I’ve sent back to hell for making fun of my job. One more word out of you and I’m going to euthanize you like a sick kitten.”
I think the dinosaur was quite astute in his observations about his scene in the movie. I especially enjoyed his remark about the existential absurdities of being on that island. Heartbreakingly hilarious.
Also glad to see that you’re adapting nicely to the Cracked Format. Well done.
October 14th, 2009 at 5:45 am
Hoorah for Cody!
October 14th, 2009 at 5:34 am
Haha awesome but seriously fuck that boy (girl?). (S)he’ll learn to respect to vemosomaptors.
October 14th, 2009 at 4:56 am
Oh, I get it now. Cody’s here to remind us to be thankful for the skillful writings of the other columnists.
Nice reference to Jurassic Park though.