On September 14, 2009, the world lost Patrick Swayze. During his 30-year acting career, he played the role of a Commie-killing high school football player, dancer, Civil War soldier, bouncer, surfing bank robber, ghost, transvestite, trucker, Allan Quartermain, singing cartoon dog and pedophile. To put that kind of versatility into perspective, fellow actor Steven Segal has starred in 417 movies and played a Steven Segal 417 times. Steven Segal couldn’t play a pedophile if he was a pedophile.
Patrick Swayze was a musician with a top 10 hit and People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1991. This was back before they gave it to Ben Affleck and the award meant something. But what a lot of people don’t realize is that Swayze was also the Second Greatest Film Star of All Time, and not in any kind of subjective way– it’s basic science. Almost every movie he starred in was the second best of a particular genre. Let’s look at the facts:
Before we begin, cut out and wear your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles. My manufacturer had some problems processing my last minute order, but luckily 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles should be compatible with the Official Jean-Claude Van Damme Data Decoding Funglasses you already own.
Calibrate your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles now.
Turn up the Road House settings of your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles until you can clearly see the image below.
Swayze starred in…
The Second Best Dancing Movie of All Time: Dirty Dancing
We owe a lot to Dirty Dancing. It was a runaway hit that changed the way people communicated with the language of dance. After this movie came out, the phrase, “Excuse me, would you care to dance,” could be substituted with approaching a woman and intensely rubbing your dick against her leg. I skipped a lot of health classes, but that’s win/win for everybody, right?
What was the #1 dance movie?
Footloose
Even though Patrick Swayze and Dirty Dancing made premature ejaculation into a cute icebreaker, Footloose is still a better movie. It was about a town that tried to preserve its moral structure by outlawing dance. If you were on the city council of the Footloose town, your eyeballs couldn’t even register how filthy Dirty Dancing is. It would just look like a teen ovary being attacked by dildos and robots. Adjust your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles to see a scene from Dirty Dancing as the characters from Footloose do.
Swayze starred in…
The Second Best Cold War Movie of all Time: Red Dawn
Like everyone who was a kid in 1984, my parents were paranoid gun owners–positive that any day now, the Russians were going to paradrop into our backyard. Back then, people used to fantasize about Soviet invasions like people fantasize about zombie apocalypses today. And Red Dawn was like every fantasy come true. If my parents hadn’t kept me so busy reloading spent bullet cartridges, I could have practically masturbated to it. It was about Soviets and Cubans invading Colorado and getting all their Communist shit fucked up by Swayze and a group of high school guerrilla fighters. They even called themselves Wolverines just so they’d have something awesome to scream after they killed Spetsnaz commandos. Between the years of 1984 to 1986, the farm belt went ahead and replaced all crop-generating fields with dick measuring stations because America could live entirely on Red Dawn.
What was the #1 Cold War movie?
Rocky IV
Red Dawn was amazing, but when Rocky beat Ivan Drago, he actually ended the Cold War. This was even more incredible than the time his victory over Hulk Hogan in Rocky III invented the cotton gin.
Swayze starred in…
The Second Best Transvestite Movie of all Time: To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Numar
Most cross-dressing movies center around the theme that if the worst failure of a man disguises himself as a woman, he’s immeasurably better than any woman. I’m not sure if this is because screenwriters hate women or because girls just can’t do anything right. To be honest, neither reason would surprise me. In To Wong Foo, the superiority of a man in a dress over a regular woman in a dress is never more apparent, but it’s kind of not fair since two of them are Wesley Snipes and Patrick Swayze, and they’re both completely awesome.
What was the #1 transvestite movie?
Tootsie
If your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles are adjusted correctly, this image should give you an erection. Check your equipment now.
Swayze starred in…
The Second Best Ghost Movie of all Time: Ghost
At one point, people who enjoyed the hobby of pottery also unintentionally enjoyed the hobby of celibacy. Then the movie Ghost came out. After that scene where Swayze bones Demi Moore by the pottery wheel, ceramics were suddenly an aphrodisiac. In the post-Ghost world, if you tell a woman you’re about to go pinch together an ashtray, that’s like crashing an Astroglide cargo plane into her.
To us normal people, Patrick Swayze’s death is a sad loss. But psychic mediums have been waiting for this day for years. It’s no exaggeration to say that every woman that can communicate with the dead is sitting in her underwear by a pottery wheel and trying to summon Patrick Swayze’s ghost right now. Parker Brothers is going to have to release a Ouija board with a Patrick Swayze button and vibrating clay pot attachment. Within a few months, the word “séance” will become obsolete since mystics will just call these events “group sex with Patrick Swayze.”
What was the #1 ghost movie?
Ghostbusters
Tragically, if the Ghostbusters were here, they’d be trying to kill Patrick Swayze’s eternal spirit. Fine tune the Shyamalan settings on your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles until you can decode the following image.
Swayze starred in…
The Second Best Gay Movie of All Time: Point Break
Point Break could be considered a movie about surfing, skydiving, buddy copping or heisting. However, at its core, it’s about Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze not quite having sex.
What was the #1 gay movie?
Brokeback Mountain
I considered for a bit giving the #1 gay movie spot to the funniest title I could find in a Google search of man-on-man adult movies, but the decency filter on my word processor wouldn’t let me type “Buns Full of Trevor IX.” Warning: 104 percent of all 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles have a tendency to badly malfunction when viewing this image.
Swayze starred in…
The Second Best Saturday Night Live Skit of All Time: “Chippendales Tryouts”
The fact that Swayze managed to keep a straight face while he and Chris Farley competed against each other in a stripper audition cements him as at least the second finest actor of his generation. Or an android. But if Patrick Swayze was an android this article would be CRAZY.
What was the #1 SNL skit of all time?
Dick in a Box
You can now safely remove your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles to decode the following secret: The power of 3-D SwayzeVision was inside you the whole time.
This entry was posted on Thursday, September 17th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Music, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 20th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
NO WAY!!!!! CHRIS FARLEY AND PATRICK SWAYZE BEAT ANY SNL SKIT OUT THERE…and i loved dick in a box
October 16th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/tribute-to-patrick-swayze-2nd-best-film-star-of-all-time/ Why Patrick Swayze was the Second Best Movie Star Ever – very funny tribute by Seanbaby; a [...]
October 15th, 2009 at 6:16 am
I agree with Horkie…in no way is “Dick in the Box” the best SNL skit ever you cannot compare a classic that was made when SNL was actually good to a skit from SNL now. If you wanted to say that the Chip ‘N Dales was the second best skit, at least compare it to something like Church Lady, the Spartans, Da Bears skit, Celebrity Jeopardy…you know, something good
October 15th, 2009 at 4:50 am
You left out my grandpa in law’s fave movie Roadhouse!!
Otherwise, funny and all true. Sometimes I just yell out “Wolverines!” for kicks but where I live that just means I’m a MIchigan fan. If they only knew…
October 13th, 2009 at 6:16 am
To Wong Foo is a movie about Drag Queens, not Transvestites. They actually say drag like 1,000 times in it. To the point of calling John L a “Drag Princess”. They’re also going to compete in a Drag competition. Actually, there is a LINE IN THE MOVIE covering this: “When a straight man puts on a dress and gets his sexual kicks, he is a transvestite. When a man is a woman trapped in a man’s body and has a little operation, he is a Transsexual. When a gay man has WAY too much fashion sense for one gender he is a drag queen”.
Kind of makes me wonder if you saw the movie or just read a synopsis about it for this article.
But, good job otherwise.
October 10th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
this is stupid. they’re leaving out a lot of great movies (ie: doctor strangelove, the sixth sense, down-by-the-river snl skit, etc…) for a cheap laugh, but it doesn’t really work. also, NO WAY is dick in a box the best snl skit.
October 6th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
wtf…cold mountain was the best gay movie ever
October 5th, 2009 at 9:57 pm
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October 1st, 2009 at 9:06 pm
Dick in a Box can’t be the best snl skit of all time
I’d take Will Ferrel over a Justin Timberlake cameo any day
September 30th, 2009 at 5:28 am
Top Gun is way gayer than Brokeback Mountain and Buns Full of Trevor IX
September 29th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
This is one of the funniest fucking articles I have ever read.
September 28th, 2009 at 2:26 am
first off this shit is funny. it cracks me up to see how nit picky and mincing people get over a couple of out of place statements. did you laugh? if yes then stick the comments up your ass and take it for what its worth. if no then your a humorless prick and why are you reading this. also for the record in response to the roadhouse comments the number one movie in a bar is barfly with mickey rourke
September 25th, 2009 at 7:05 am
so who was the greatest?
September 24th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
Um, who does he say the best actor of all time is?
September 24th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
I think you mean “Quatermain”, not “Quartermain”.
September 24th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
you forgot one genre: Second Best Adaptation of “Shane” = Road House
September 24th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
@William Because it was also a B-movie, a sci-fi movie, a horror movie, and a comedy. Swayze wasn’t in anything remotely like that. Not even slightly.
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:06 pm
How is the Rocky Horror Picture Show not the best cross-dressing movie ever?
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:38 pm
The secret was inside me the whole time? But I paid $14.95 for my Deluxe SwayzeVision goggles!
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:55 pm
No way to get Roadhouse in here? Second best movie in a bar after ………………..?
September 21st, 2009 at 9:03 pm
The Chippendale’s skit was definetly funnier than Dick In A Box. Not that Dick In A Box wasn’t funny, it’s just that the Chippendale’s skit was funnier.
But that’s mostly because of Chris Farley.
RIP, both of you.
September 21st, 2009 at 2:42 am
I notice you couldn’t find a category for Road House to only be second best in. Which is understandable, for it is the best terrible movie of all time, if that makes any sense.
September 21st, 2009 at 12:11 am
Sorry, but there’s no way that Footloose is a better movie than Dirty Dancing. And there’s no way that Dick In A Box is the best SNL sketch ever. I know Cracked can be juvenile and really likes dick jokes (I, personally, adore them), but that’s a really bad call.
September 20th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
Don’t forget, Steel Dawn was the second greatest post-apocalyptic flick ever after Road Warrior!
September 20th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Dear cracked.com,
If you make a shirt out of the image of Swayze in that amazing pose with the pink trail behind him, you will make millions. You’re welcome.
September 20th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
[...] same day? How many people are going to tell me how much they are going to miss Michael Jackson or Patrick Swayze? Do I have to become a fan of the city I live in? Sure Atlanta is great, but isn’t that a bit [...]
September 20th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
i miss patrick swayze
September 20th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
#1 Transvestite Movie—The Rocky Horror Picture Show
September 20th, 2009 at 10:00 am
“The power of 3-D SwayzeVision was inside you the whole time.”
lawl
September 20th, 2009 at 7:39 am
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September 19th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
The world’s greatest gay movie is titled “Gay Niggers From Outer Space”
no lie, look it up on IMDB
September 19th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Nobody puts baby in a corner.
September 19th, 2009 at 3:42 am
Whoawhoawhoa, Dick in a BOX was the best skit ever? “Cheeseburger, cheeseburger!” “Hello, goodbye!” Motivational speaker, Belushi as that samurai, and Wayne’s World were all ousted by Dick in a Box? Get your head on straight, man, your sense of humor is sharper than that.
September 19th, 2009 at 12:00 am
I have nothing to say.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
I’m not sure what to think of all these posthumous Swayze-lovin’ articles that keep popping up on Cracked. I believe this is the third, which is about three too many. (At least this one’s a bit tongue-in-cheek, but…)
Two articles itemized the five (or ten?) reasons Pat was the coolest guy who ever fucking died. Everything comes down to his pilot’s license, I guess: The guy landed his plane on the street.
Whoop de doo. This is a clear-cut example of “He saved his own ass.”
Is someone on the Cracked staff related by blood or marriage to the late Swayze?
If John Travolta was having engine trouble on the LRH 700, do you think he’d even hesitate to set her down in Agoura? And if he does, are we going to get a “John Travolta is the Coolest Actor EVER”-article when he succumbs to intestinal parasites?
God, I hope not.
Stop it, Cracked. You aren’t going to convince me.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
My friend did a tribute to Patrick Swayze/Point Break three years ago at the local drinking establishment
http://photos.timchuma.com/VMS300606/photos/photo3.html
“Tomorrow, When the War Began” is not a remake of Red Dawn, but does have similar themes. They do get to blow stuff up in it. Movie should be out next year.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
wtf? have you all forgotten snl with alec baldwin doing shweddy balls?
September 18th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
I may have to watch point break tonight now
Yes, I bought the DVD
September 18th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Okay, first, Ghostbusters- yes crazyface, it’s a positron COLLIDER, not glider. Second, why does everyone seem to forget the #2 post-apocolyptic movie of all time- Steel Dawn (#1 of course, was Road Warrior). Steel Dawn starred Swayze and his wife, Lisa Nieme, and was basically Road Warrior WITH SWORDS! (but no cars).
If you haven’t seen it, see it, it’s worth it.
And Seanbaby, you’ve done it again, kudos.
September 18th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Whoopy Goldberg: “Patrick was a really good man, a funny man and one to whom I owe much that I can’t ever repay. I believe in ‘Ghost’s message, so he’ll always be near.” RIP Patrick!
Here I’ve tried to collect all notable tributes paid to Patrick Swayze by peers:
http://www.tributespaid.com/category/p/patrick-swayze
September 18th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Red Dawn is so bad it goes past good and back to bad
September 18th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Good article. RIP Patrick Swayze
September 18th, 2009 at 11:45 am
[...] ‘buddha favorite seanbaby has authored this little list for Cracked.com on Why Patrick Swayze Was The Second Best Movie Star Ever. As usual, it’s funny stuff (now if he’d only get back to finishing those Super Friends [...]
September 18th, 2009 at 11:09 am
you’re a wild man johnny utah!
September 18th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Doesnt he call the Proton Pack a Positron Collider not Positron Glider?
September 18th, 2009 at 9:56 am
great article, but the best SNL skit ever was the cowbell skit. I defy you, seanbaby.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Oh my squid! Only just read the best article EVER. I bet he’s laughing at this wherever he is. It’s a gift y’know, making people laugh.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:00 am
[...] week, the world lost the second-greatest actor of all time. RIP, Patrick [...]
September 18th, 2009 at 8:30 am
you got an audible “Awww” out of me with the “pain don’t hurt” word bubble. RIP swayze
September 18th, 2009 at 6:19 am
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September 18th, 2009 at 6:03 am
Great article SB. I was so in love with Patrick when I was a kid. I loved that stupid “She’s Like the Wind” song. Sadness… I’ll almost miss him..
September 18th, 2009 at 3:55 am
I guess youre the exception to the rule, fuck face?
September 18th, 2009 at 3:55 am
“like crashing a cargo plane full of Astroglide into her”
priceless
September 18th, 2009 at 2:09 am
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September 18th, 2009 at 2:05 am
The best thing about Cracked is its articles, particularly SB’s.
The worst thing about Cracked is its idiot commenters.
Think about it. The Internet has millions of users and millions of webpages like this one, which unfortunately means there are millions of opinions on millions of subjects. In the grand scheme of things, do you honestly think anyone cares if Dick In A Box isn’t your favourite SNL skit? No. This is a comedy site, for Christ’s sake. Go and project your pointless, unnecessary views elsewhere if it upsets you that much.
September 17th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
Dear Willard Nation:
I’m writing to you today on behalf of Seanbaby. He says no. And fuck off.
Love,
The Elusive Robert Denby.
September 17th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
I was laughing until you said Dick-in-a-box upped Chippendales.
Really SB? REALLY?
September 17th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
Dear Seanbaby,
Please, for the love of God, stop writing. I fucking beg of you.
Signed,
Willard Nation
September 17th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
Wow, looks like not too many people in this comments sections have ever seen old SNL’s from the ’70s and ’80s. Blows almost everything after them away.
September 17th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
Pure fucking genius. I loved it. Absolutely. Loved. It.
September 17th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
You were doing alright up until the last two. Point Break was awesome and though you could steal rhetoric from Simon Pegg and Nick Frost and come to the conclusion that they were gay in it, it was funny when Pegg and Frost did it, not so funny here.
And Dick in a Box is far from the funniest SNL skit from a host. I mean anything from Walken, Googley Eyes Plants or Cowbell. Or Baldwins Schwetty Balls. Besides, Timberlakes best SNL skit was Immigrant Tale or Homelessville not DIAB. Andy Samberg suck big fat monkey balls. And if you are just talking about SNL skits in general then anything with Kristen Wiig or Chris Farley would beat Dick in a Box.
September 17th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
Hey, SB! You got dissed by a former mental patient! How does that make you feel? Tell me about your mother…
Pure gold, SB. Keep ‘em coming, and those of us without vaginas for faces will keep reading ‘em.
September 17th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
SNLs celebrojeopardy wants a quick word, seanbaby
September 17th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
Swayze was in Donnie Darko. That could have been 2nd in Time Travel or Sci-Fi movies.
September 17th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Dick in a Box, best SNL clip ever? WTF is wrong with you!
September 17th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Garbgage article from a fudge packing low life nuff said
September 17th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
I’m with you on a lot of these. However, DinaB, while great, is not the best of all time, though I can see how a Web author might think so in this viral video age. No… The best sketch of all time would be the Cowbell sketch with Christopher Walken.
This is not an opinion. It’s science. Look it up.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Also with dj…
September 17th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
I have to agree with VengeVega…
September 17th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
Dick in a box over Swayze and Farley huh? That kinda ruined this article for me.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
What has happened to the writing on these pages? Once, before I was committed, I could read some of the funniest, wittiest, cracks and great jokes of social comentary around. NOW WHAT DO I GET JUST AS I GET OUT? Stories about a dead actor that are lame, done before, Hey, why not get out something a few years old and do a retro? Couldnt be much worse than this.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
He looks like the Wolfenstein 3d guy
September 17th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
SB matures like a fine wine with every article. Top Gun– oh, you guys beat me to it…
September 17th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
“The Swayze” was also in the 2nd best time-travel/mind fuck movie of all time, Donnie Darko. He was, of course, the creepy-ass child molester/motivational speaker.
However the best time-travel/mind fuck movie of all time is Back To The Future. Where kid Michael J. Fox somehow doesn’t want to commit pre-emptive incest with his mom, the smokin’ hot Lea Thompson.
And seriously, isn’t Lea Thompson the epitome of perverted sexuality in the movies? She wanted to fuck her son in Back To The Future, she fucked a talking duck in Howard The Duck, she was ass-raped by Russian soldiers in Red Dawn, and she fucked damn near everything in Casual Sex……….where’s the article on the sex-pot of the late 80’s/early 90’s, Lea Thompson?
September 17th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
“Seanbaby is improving…w00t!!!”
…What now? Seanbaby’s articles have always been a pile of sh-awesome.
September 17th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
How did Top Gun not win best gay movie of all time?
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September 17th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Great article but I’d have to say that night at the roxbury is the best snl skit.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Steel Dawn, second best post apocalyptic movie to Mad Max?
September 17th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
OHHH Seanbaby, if u weren’t Canadian I’d marry you.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Road House is the best PhD-totin’-bouncer movie of all time. Plus it has boobies.
September 17th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Wow, he was indeed a major cool actor!
RT
http://www.web-privacy.de.tc
September 17th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Oh my God, is it “too soon” for “group seance sex with Patrick Swayze”? I even had one of those Demi Moore haircuts in the early 90s.
September 17th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Adult-Facebook.c0m
September 17th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
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September 17th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Seanbaby is improving…w00t!!!
September 17th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
“Yuppie Scum Said:
September 17th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Sorry, but no SNL after about 2001 can come close to being the best SNL skit of all time. (tho the Don Draper ones are pretty damn good)
The best SNL skit of all time is probably either More Cowbell or Celebrity Jeopardy.”
Amen brother!
September 17th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Excellent article. Hilarious!
And never_to_return, eat a dick. It’s a comedy article. Don’t get all pissy because you don’t get it.
September 17th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Peter Venkman said that line, not Ray Stantz.
And it’s Julie NEWmar, fer chrissakes!
September 17th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Who is the best, then? By your logic, they would’ve had to appear in all of the #1 films, correct?
September 17th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
fuck off with your dick in a box.
swayze and farley in the same skit… thats the best thing in the universe
September 17th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Sorry, but Sandburg couldn’t touch Farley with a 10-foot dick, whether it’s in a box or not. That song is way over-hyped. It’s really not clever, and it stars a manufactured boy-band relic, who continues to be manufactured…and a relic. Anything the Farley, Sandler, Meyers cast did, even their worst stuff, is funnier than Dick in a Box.
September 17th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
“Ghost” is actually the third best ghost movie of all time, because “Ghostbusters” is second behind “Ghost Dad.” However, the following line made me lose my shit:
“You can now safely remove your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles to decode the following secret: The power of 3-D SwayzeVision was inside you the whole time.”
Once again a grand slam.
September 17th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
You had me @
“Steven Segal couldn’t play a pedophile if he was a pedophile.”
September 17th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Superb observations as always Sbaby, with one exception. The #1 gay movie of all time is Top Gun.
September 17th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Celebrity Jeopardy, Fuck yeah =D
September 17th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
You guys are taking this article way too serious.
Seriously, you’re going to argue about the greatest whatever of this and that?
You might be confused by this article because its not the standard “fuck everything” status quo of seanbaby.
September 17th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
…The Beast (TV Show): http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/
Good call.
September 17th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Sorry, but no SNL after about 2001 can come close to being the best SNL skit of all time. (tho the Don Draper ones are pretty damn good)
The best SNL skit of all time is probably either More Cowbell or Celebrity Jeopardy.
September 17th, 2009 at 11:28 am
I was with you until the end. The Chippendale skit is #1, by far.
September 17th, 2009 at 11:27 am
dick in a box wasn’t even the funniest digital short - motherlovers was.
September 17th, 2009 at 11:19 am
dude, you on fucking crack. your list is shit for lots of reasons. Other than the obvious you’re a douchebag under the “too soon” rule.
you’re taste in movies and understanding their category is on the fritz.
ANd then here no way in hell Rocky vs Drago is a better cold war movie than Red Dawn.
September 17th, 2009 at 11:17 am
you know..i personally never thought patrick swayze was that great. he always had that inbred look about him.
September 17th, 2009 at 11:00 am
More Cowbell is the greatest SNL skit and you know it!
September 17th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Um…Wolverines was the mascot for the high school teams in “Red Dawn.”
September 17th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Penis Mightier is the greatest skit in SNL history
September 17th, 2009 at 10:21 am
Seanbaby, I’m appalled that this list.
“Rocky Horror Picture Show” is the greatest transvestite movie of all time.
September 17th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Patrick Swayze im very happy for you and im gonna let you finish!!!
But Michael Jackson had one of the best Deaths of all Time!!!!!
September 17th, 2009 at 9:48 am
No way was Footloose the best anything; it was shit. Utterly fucking terrible. Seeing it described as the best dancing film ever is a fucking atrocity. It ruined the whole article for me. I haven’t seen Dirty Dancing, but everyone knows the best dancing film is Flashdance by a bazillion quintillion miles. Footloose can fuck off and get AIDS from getting ass-raped by some huge-dicked man with barbed wire and used heroin needles on his dick. And fuck your profanity filter.
September 17th, 2009 at 9:43 am
I think it was a total reach to call Point Break a gay movie. I doubt any of us ever even had that thought like we did watching Top Gun. Plus it’s being compared to Brokeback which of course is a real gay movie.
Should’ve just called this the best surfing movie of all time, by far over runner-up…damn, I can’t think of another surf movie.
September 17th, 2009 at 9:22 am
what the fuck, how come all I keep hearing about are the same damn movies? Red Dawn, Ghost, Dirty Dancing, Point Break etc.
How come I never hear about the mutherfuckin Outsiders? That aint no number two, thats the best fuckin movie ever about that sort of shit…..ya’ got a better one?
R.I.P. Swayze
September 17th, 2009 at 9:17 am
Fulker01 -
I agree 100%, Outsiders, totally the second best gang movie, and Warriors is the greatest. I still occasionally clink bottles together when I’m taking out the garbage and ask people to “come out and play”. Excellent addition.
September 17th, 2009 at 9:02 am
I’m sorry but I have to say that Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, is the best transvestite movie of all time. Hugo Weaving (Agent Smith/Elrond), Guy Pearce (Time Machine/Memento/L.A. Confidential), and Terrence “I am Zod” Stamp! I do not count “Some Like it Hot,” as they were cross-dressing out of necessity, and not fetish. To Wong Foo was funny and all (John Lequizamo most especially), but credit where it’s due, please. (All the Queen’s Men with Eddie Izzard is also great).
I would put Cowbell, “I Hate it when that happens” with Billy Crystal and Christopher Guest and Will Ferrell’s “Yoga” skit before “Chippendales’” which was hilarious- but dick in a box? It was momentarily funny, but not eternally so…
September 17th, 2009 at 8:55 am
It makes me so goddamn happy that one of the best writers on the Internet took the time to salute a great man. This is a fitting tribute to a fellow Texan, a man who was such a hoss he made Robocop look like Estelle Getty. That guy sneered at his tumors and called them a pussy. Did you see the Barbara Walters interview? If I was cancer I would have been scared. And those pictures of him a month ago, walking around casually talking on a cell phone, oblivious to the fact that he had ostensibly already been dead for three weeks? Jesus, the guy weighed like 110 pounds, and he had a fuckin’ BLUE TOOTH on! This man accomplished the impossible: he made a generation of women — me included — wish to God they were an ugly Jewish girl named Baby. Rest in peace, Patrick. Have fun tubing that great Guadalupe in the sky. (Only Texans will understand this reference. Patrick knows.)
September 17th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Nah, Dick in a Box skit was second. The #1 SNL skit is without a doubt—
More Cowbell!
September 17th, 2009 at 8:50 am
The best SNL skit was every skit on the Chris Farley DVD collection.
September 17th, 2009 at 8:31 am
RIP Mr. Swayze. You will be missed. My wife is freaking out trying to figure out who to pretend shes fucking now that your gone so she doesnt have to face the cold reality.
September 17th, 2009 at 8:20 am
The cowbell sketch with Christopher Walken was better than those two SNL sketches.
September 17th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Random Swayze badassery:
“Be nice until it’s time to not be nice.” -Road House
“You lose!” -Red Dawn
“I’m Henry the VIII’th I am I am…” -Ghost
September 17th, 2009 at 7:50 am
Damn, sorry to say it but the pictures were better than the actual article. XD
September 17th, 2009 at 7:50 am
What happened to Top Gun being the #1 gay movie?
September 17th, 2009 at 7:49 am
“If Patrick Swayze was an android this article would be CRAZY”
I’m pretty sure that part almost killed me. Great article. Also, I agree with Jesse about the Celebrity Jeopardy skits, but I guess all that’s really subjective.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:35 am
Between the mid-leap dancing Swayze rocketing across the page via the power of his own hot pink flatulence and “not for use with pussies” I was almost falling out of my chair laughing. You are the king, Seanbaby, I’ve read the entirety of seanbaby.com at least 4 times.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:32 am
1. Dick in a box is extremely funny, but not the greatest skit, any of the jeopardy skits with sean connery were funnier.
2. point break=awesome, not gay
3. to wong foo was a much better tranny movie
September 17th, 2009 at 7:28 am
No way does Dick In A Box beat Chippendales. Not only does Chippendales have the Swayze in it, it’s also got the Farley in it. Dick In A Box has an Adam Sandler wanna-be and Timberlake. Neither are as good as Swayze or Farley. That said, I’m a fan of The Lonley Island so there.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:25 am
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September 17th, 2009 at 7:20 am
Until you mentioned it just now, I didn’t realize Patrick Swayze was dead. I kinda thought the reason everybody was talking about him is that somebody brought Dirty Dancing to the office movie night.
Also, isn’t Ghost that movie that turns people atheist?
September 17th, 2009 at 7:19 am
How about second best gang movie with the Outsiders? #1 being the Warriors.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:19 am
Yeah, cowbell beats Dick in a Box. There is no way Box Dick beats out a Farley skit. That skit was hilarious.
2. Farley and Swayze
1. Cowbell
September 17th, 2009 at 7:17 am
“the phys’cal side effects of homoin’” poetry.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:15 am
“I must break you.”
“Fuck.”
Maybe its because every time I’ve ever seen that scene, I’ve thought that line to myself, but I just about busted a nut laughing at that.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:14 am
Ray Stantz should be saying “positron collider”…although with Seanbaby, I never can tell if there is some other hidden meaning I’m missing. Instant classic, otherwise.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:07 am
“Cowbell would be the best skit ever if it wasn’t disqualified for including Jimmy Fallon.”
I submit that the inclusion of Christopher Walken outweighs the inclusion of Jimmy Fallon, and that Cowbell is indeed the best SNL skit ever.
September 17th, 2009 at 6:57 am
Black Dog! I forgot about that. That’s ’cause we all know the best trucker movie is Big Trouble in Little China!!!
“You know what ol’ Jack Burton always says at a time like this?”
September 17th, 2009 at 6:53 am
Oh, and you also made a mistake in describing his position in Roadhouse.
I distinctly remember him saying, “You are the bouncers, I am the cooler.”
Calling him a “bouncer” is like calling a Dr. a P.A. Have respect for the position dammit!
September 17th, 2009 at 6:53 am
“Everybody dance now!” nice AD quote seanbaby
September 17th, 2009 at 6:47 am
Don’t forget the second best trucker movie, Black Dog. #1 obviously being Convoy.
September 17th, 2009 at 6:46 am
@JCRBOY: trite and contrived? You are a giant douche for using those words to describe a seanbaby article
September 17th, 2009 at 6:27 am
*sniffle* A fitting tribute.
September 17th, 2009 at 6:24 am
This article is incorrect. The greatest homosexual love story ever told was Top Gun. God, I miss you Goose.
September 17th, 2009 at 6:20 am
Great article, brosephiroth. I love your wacky ratings and your crazy as shit 3-d glasses and whatnot.
September 17th, 2009 at 6:14 am
Some comments on Ghost:
It may have been #2 in ghost movies but it was def. #1 in sappy-love-of-your-life-dying movies. One thing that always annoyed me is when they are about to get it on after the pottery wheel scene they are suddenly all clean. SHouldn’t they have gotten down and dirty with the wet clay all over them- THAT woulda been hot. And what the hell, maybe Whoopi shoulda been thrown in the mix at that point, too. haha. Check out this guy- totally has a way with the ladies- just like Mr. Swayze. http://makefunofmyfriends.com/drunk-friends/chris-always-tricks-the-ladies-with-simon-says-spread-your-legs/
September 17th, 2009 at 6:11 am
No no no you fools. The Motivational Speaker was the best SNL skit ever.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:55 am
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September 17th, 2009 at 5:54 am
Aslo, the second best Hockey movie - Youngblood. Slap Shot #1, obviously.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:53 am
I thought “First Wives Club” was the best transvestite movie.
Wait, what? Those were chicks?
September 17th, 2009 at 5:39 am
This was fantastic.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:15 am
Cowbell would be the best skit ever if it wasn’t disqualified for including Jimmy Fallon.
September 17th, 2009 at 5:12 am
This list needs more Cowbell
September 17th, 2009 at 4:53 am
Aw, Seanbaby, this article made me want to give you a pat on the head.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:48 am
haha Patrick Swayze with his dick in a box
September 17th, 2009 at 4:44 am
I honestly could have done without the “Swayzevision goggles,” as the concept was trite and contrived, but once I moved past those shenanigans the article was awesome. Another win!
September 17th, 2009 at 4:38 am
ho dare you impugn the name of patrick sywaze you unfunny terd
September 17th, 2009 at 4:35 am
Really? You took Dick In A Box as the #1 SNL skit over More Cowbell? Ah well, all subjective, I suppose.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:24 am
This was abslolutely hilarious. Great job.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:22 am
awesome. nice one seanbaby.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:22 am
Awesome.
Gonna watch Red Dawn now in memory
September 17th, 2009 at 4:21 am
The Dude abides, indeed.
September 17th, 2009 at 4:08 am
That was epic.