Since the dawn of time, man has sought ever-easier means of communicating. Smoke signals gave way to the Pony Express. Then came telegrams, then singing telegrams, and eventually the naked ones we all know and love today.
But we now find ourselves in a digital era, one where it’s possible to send messages around the globe in seconds. It’s easier than it’s ever been in recorded history to communicate with one another, and while that’s great and all, it also means we’re sending each other things we probably wouldn’t have bothered with back when it took a guy on horseback over a month to deliver them.
This is double true for people who don’t really understand the internet. You know - people like moms. This week on Ross Wolinsky Hates The Internet, I bring you the 5 lamest forwarded emails… and why your mom can’t resist them.
Dating back at least to the 1930s (and probably even further), the Good Luck chain letter promises prosperity to anyone who forwards it on. They are generally accompanied by anecdotes that are supposed to “prove” that forwarding the email brings good fortune: the homeless man wins the lottery, the blind woman regains her sight, and the two of them meet and fall in love and have homeless, blind babies and live happily ever after… and all because they forwarded this email to 10 of their friends!
These emails also usually contain warnings of what might happen if you DON’T forward it on. “A woman in Albuquerque deleted this without forwarding it, and a few minutes later… SHE GOT HIT BY A BUS!!!” they say, right before encouraging you to scroll down past a bunch of crap that looks like this:
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Make a wish!
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Did you make a wish yet?
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Are you annoyed yet?
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You should be annoyed by now!
This is really obnoxious!
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POOF!
Your wish is granted!
What did you wish for? I don’t know about you guys, but I wished for a new Gmail feature that replaces garbage like this in my inbox with funny pictures of animals.
Yup - just like that.
Why Moms Can’t Resist It
Because moms are superstitious. Sure, chances are nothing will happen if she doesn’t forward the email to 10 people, but… WHAT IF? Why risk it?
Plus, what if bad things happen to you because she didn’t send it?! Just think of how bad she would feel then! Sure, it’s annoying to get emails like these, but remember: She’s only sending them because she loves you.
Oh - and because she is completely technologically clueless.
This classic twist on the standard “FW: Funny Joke Inside!!!” email (more about that later) takes things to the next level: Instead of text-based jokes written with the average 10-year-old in mind, the “Funny Pictures” email consists of a mixed bag of tired jpgs that anyone who has had an internet connection in the past decade has already seen a dozen times. For example, one might receive the following picture:
With the subject: “Fw: Think YOU Have It Bad At Work?”
Or alternatively, you might receive the following:
With the subject: “Fw: This Kid’s Got ATTITUDE LOL!!!” It could just as easily be any other funny picture that you’ve seen a dozen times already, but the probability that a mom will forward it to you increases dramatically depending on the image’s specific characteristics. Here’s a handy chart:
Why Moms Can’t Resist It
Because your mom hasn’t spent the vast majority of her life looking at stupid shit on the internet. Chances are your mom was born in the vast primordial soup that was the pre-internet era, and as such, her knowledge of Web culture probably begins and ends with the Dancing Baby (if even that). She hasn’t seen every video of people being hit in the nuts on YouTube, she’s never heard of Tay Zonday, and she doesn’t know that she’s supposed to find ninjas, pirates, and Chuck Norris inherently funny.
Cut her some slack, though: Unlike you, the Millennial twerp with your vlogging and social networking and whatever else you nerds are doing these days, your mom squandered her youth raising you.
Did you know there’s a new tasteless, odorless date rape drug that leaves you STERILE FOREVER? What about the bug larvae that can grow inside your body and then EAT THEIR WAY OUT OF YOUR NIPPLES!? That would be bad enough on its own, but to make matters worse, did you hear that every cleaning product in your kitchen can (and will) kill your pets, give you cancer, and burn your house down? Thank God your dear old mother sent you all those helpful emails to warn you - now do your loved ones a favor and pass it on to everyone you know. Who knows - you might save a life!
Why Moms Can’t Resist It
When you were a little kid and had no idea what was going on, your mother was old enough to recognize just how stupid the things coming out of your mouth were. “Whazzat?” you asked her, pointing. “A car,” she replied. “Whazzat?” you asked again, pointing in the other direction. “That’s another car,” she replied patiently, leaving out the “you moron. What’s wrong with you?”
As far as your mom is concerned, you’re still that drooling doofus who doesn’t know what a car is. Why would she think you’re capable of surviving on your own? At the same time, though, she thinks she can save you from a horrific, house-burning-down-while-bugs-climb-out-of-your-nipples death by forwarding you hoax emails, so I guess you win anyway.
Even if you don’t know what a car is, you idiot.
This is what they look like.
Whether it’s a rare form of cancer, a natural disaster, or just a good ol’ fashioned baby-snatching, there are always going to be children out there who need your help. And since email is such a cheap way to reach millions of people worldwide, using it to get your message out seems like a perfectly effective solution, right? You know - because if the kid gets even just one penny for each person that receives the email, and if millions of people end up getting the email, then that adds up to, like, millions of pennies, right?
It sounds like a pretty good deal, but if it ACTUALLY raised a penny for charity every time someone got these obnoxious emails, then wouldn’t all of the world’s problems already be solved by now? Shouldn’t cancer be cured, natural disasters seem hopelessly old-fashioned, and every child on Earth be guaranteed long, happy lives by now thanks to the transformative power of chain letters? If that were the case, the only problem we should be dealing with right now is what to do with all these happy, healthy children, so unless I start seeing emails offering to donate money to help solve the “Happy Children Problem,” I’m going to have to conclude that these emails are… gasp…… FAKE.
Why Moms Can’t Resist
Because what mom could possibly resist a story, fake or otherwise, about someone else’s child in need? Never underestimate the power of maternal instinct - it can make hideous children seem “beautiful,” a pile of diarrhea in a diaper seem worth talking about with your friends, and, apparently, a totally fabricated story about a kid with cancer in your inbox seem like something you should forward to everyone you know.
Maternal instinct makes you not want to throw this thing down the stairs.
On an unrelated (and somewhat amazing) note, based on the Google Image results, there doesn’t seem to be a kinky, fetishy porno called “Maternal Instinct.” Not yet, anyway. (Don’t worry - I’m on it.)
What happened to the priest, the rabbi, and the imam when they got to the pearly gates?1 What did George Bush say when he walked into a bar?2 Why did the blonde cross the road?3 I don’t know, but you can safely assume that the answers are probably hilarious.
With its roots firmly planted in the tradition of Truly Tasteless Jokes, waterboarding, and Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader, the “Fw: Funny Joke” email has been around as long as email itself. Consisting of either one longer joke or a series of shorter ones - and generally prefaced by a hyperbolic subject line promising side-splitting laughter inside - the “Fw: Funny Joke” email raises several intriguing questions: Namely, has anyone under the age of 60 actually read one of these, and if so, did they actually find it funny?
The answer to both of these questions, sadly enough, is a big, emphatic “probably.” Like Big Mouth Billy Bass, Ugg boots, and amputee porn, forwarded joke emails exist because there is clearly a market for them. Someone out there is reading and enjoying “Fw: Funny Joke Inside” emails, which is baffling and all, but at least it helps explain how Meet the Spartans earned almost $40 million.
1 Nothing - there’s no such thing as heaven.
2 “One beer, please.”
3 To get an abortion.
Why Moms Can’t Resist It
While it’s true that the average mom genuinely wants to share funny jokes with her children, the sad truth is that she wants something else even more: a call every once in a while. And while the subject line might say “Thought you might get a kick out of this, sweetie!”, what it actually means is, “I gave birth to you. Why don’t you love me anymore?”
Which reminds me… I should go call my mom.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 19th, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 4th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
dagbjort, while a “god” as some people describe it may not exist, how do we know what this “god” was to the people who wrote about it? it could be an alien, or it coulda been a white guy to a bunch of black people. nobody knows.
but to say there isnt “good and bad” in the world is retarded. in case u havent learned a thing about modern history, one could refer to a man such as hitler, or jim jones, as evil and one could point to mother teresa or some shit like that for good. thats the only religion people should follow
November 4th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
well, ugg boots certainly do suck. dont be confused, that girl wearing them may be hot but wouldnt she be hot if she was also using an empty chipmunk carcass? i believe so.
and hey, 11 year old kid 2 comments below me…. while u may be right, one thing almost as annoying as these emails is PEOPLE MAKING FACES OUTTA COMPUTER KEYS. seriously, u dont need to type some dumb looking face to get ur point across. we got it.
October 28th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
You guys do realize that moms send those E-mails out because they want to hear from you right? Just making sure. So while you are annoyed at their lame attempt to be funny they are eagerly waiting for a response.
You guys are dicks
October 27th, 2009 at 11:57 am
im eleven and the second one i think is unpolite. you said “ten year old mind” and i will have you know i am not stupid like these crappy chains. i do not forward them at all. >=[
October 18th, 2009 at 10:26 am
@Vonthako, I just wanted to point out that, yes indeed, a majority of people that commit suicide are atheists, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that all atheists, or atheism in particular is responsible. Sure, our view of the world might look bleak to you, but to me it’s just common sense! There really isn’t a Good or Bad in this world. There isn’t a magical man in the sky that decides our futures. The only person that can decide your future is yourself, and if that future involves killing yourself, go ahead, that person could have just as easily decided not to, but that’s how life works. It isn’t a Magical Mystery Tour of joy and LSDesque flowers and unicorn farts like the bible says it will be if you believe in a fictional deity.
October 17th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
I can just imagine the “woman in Albuquerque” scenario going down like this:
[Creepy guy outside her bedroom window with binoculars in one hand and a walkie-talkie in the other]:
“She’s opening her inbox…”
“She’s scanning the subject lines…”
“Confirmed! That bitch DELETED it! Bruno, rev up that bus - someone’s about to go “splat” on the font fender…”
I remember my 1st roommate at college was pissed when I refused to forward a “saint’s prayer” chain-letter that he forwarded to me (after his cousin forwarded it to him).
P.S.
To all you who agree with the author’s claim about heaven, you do realize that suicide rates are higher for atheists than for most people who have faith (in something); Heaven’s Gate cult is of course the exception. Of the several people whom I have had to talk out of suicide so far, nearly all were atheists. Of this group, the ones who have since begun to believe in some sort of religion have not shown a desire to attempt suicide again.
I’m not saying you have to believe in the same thing as I do, but if you stop to think about it, atheism and existentialism are very bleak and hopeless philosophies and often lead down the road to chronic depression, substance abuse/addiction, broken relationships, and suicide.
October 17th, 2009 at 7:58 am
IF YOU DON’T REPOST THIS YOU WILL BE SINGLE UNTIL YOU ARE 45!!! NO JOKE!
October 17th, 2009 at 6:08 am
MOO MOO MOO MOO MOO MOO MOO
October 15th, 2009 at 2:34 am
My Mom ? Try - half of your colleagues (IT Department !!!), send you stuff like this … Or some retarded LOLcats - Isn’t this “trend” of “FW: Crocodile ate a fucking elephant”-kind of email going to end. Seriously, are people that fucking stupid or what ?
October 6th, 2009 at 6:24 am
gdgff
September 29th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
were better jokes in the past (actually have notebook of some; still get laughs out of) , but have not seen really good “funny joke” email in good 6 years.
September 14th, 2009 at 9:58 am
I called my mom after this
September 9th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
As lame as it sounds, I found this searching for baby stroller info. Kim
September 2nd, 2009 at 8:09 pm
I’ve asked politely for my sister to not forward me prayer chain mails, win big chain mails, adopt a Viet Cong soldier email chains, and told her I would get her back. And I found a way.
The worst way ever. If she sends them to me I hit reply all, and send that shit back where it belongs-in the hands of soccer moms.
Except. The first time I did it, I sent it back to all her friends and family that were included in the forward, with the only words I wrote were: “I cheated. Teehee.” The except comes in as it had recently come to light that my sister had an affair.
August 21st, 2009 at 1:20 am
I’ve been working in Korea for a year, this totally made me miss my mom and want to call her. I have all these emails sitting in my inbox lol
August 20th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
I miss Ross.
Where are you now, man?
August 17th, 2009 at 7:22 am
bgbgbg
August 15th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
“If you send this email to everyone in your contact list, Bill Gates will give you $100!”
How about: “If you do anything to this email besides deleting it and punching the sender in the face, you aren’t human!”?
August 12th, 2009 at 11:36 pm
i saw Meet the Spartans in theaters. I exiled myself from humanity shortly thereafter in order to reflect on the grievousness of my transgression.
August 1st, 2009 at 7:55 am
[...] 10 Divorce Stories Too Strange To Make Up The 5 Lamest Forwarded Emails (And Why Your Mom Mum Loves Them) [...]
July 27th, 2009 at 10:45 am
How about the e-mails that include videos as attachments? The videos are usually some commercial or America’s Funniest Home Videos excerpt or compilation somebody thought was funny, or a slideshow with a musical soundtrack so full of sap you could make a year’s worth of maple syrup out of it that depicts random scenes of breathaking-ish-ness, such as rays of sunlight through the clouds in a forest or something, or perhaps random scenes from around the world showing tourist locations (although one of these “countries” was listed as Gaza, and it was some random street corner). And while we’re at it, let’s not forget power point slideshows that are essentially the same thing.
July 26th, 2009 at 3:20 am
The dumbest ones are when they tell you to fwd this lame email to 10 peoples and this funny video will pop up on your screen (along with a disclaimer telling you they don’t know how this works it just does)
July 20th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
I detest the creepy emails telling me that some sacred right is being taken away by Obama or the Liberal Congress or the ACLU like Prayer or Cemetary Crosses or Televangilists Ability to Annoy and tries to get me all worked up about it. I have begun attaching the link to SNOPES that debunks the chain email (usually it is a rehash of one that went around during the Clinton years) and then make the claim that the creators of said Email Chain are actually foreign operatives out to destroy America. I throw in a lot of patriotism to stir the pot, some conspiracy theories involving globalization for good measure and end with the olde tried but true “God Bless America times Infinity” so they dont know I am blowing smoke up their ass - then I reply all. No one ever responds….
July 19th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
My 91 year old grandma is always sending me “warning” emails, and supposedly “funny” jokes and pictures! She thinks I have nothing better to do then read the crap!
June 5th, 2009 at 5:39 am
cute ! Thanks for sharring with your old gramma love you.. abuela ..
May 12th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Yeah, that joke wasn’t funny at all, proving Mr. Wollinsky’s point. Why do so many fwd jokes have poo in them? And why does my mom think a picture of a carved pumpkin puking its guts out is hilarious?
Fantastic article - I especially liked the funny pictures of animals.
April 22nd, 2009 at 6:22 am
But this is funny:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/5169932/Did-Clement-Freud-tell-the-funniest-joke-ever-told.html
March 20th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
No mention of those emails that claim to have been around since before the internet?
I got one that claimed to have been going around since 1865. WUT.
March 19th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
I lol’d.
So true. Like the graph.
March 16th, 2009 at 5:58 am
I love this, it’s so true!
March 8th, 2009 at 3:28 am
IF YOU DON’T REPOST THIS YOU WILL BE SINGLE UNTIL YOU ARE 45!!! NO JOKE!!!
March 1st, 2009 at 8:51 pm
my mom LOVES to send me these emails but i abhor forwarded emails…….it’s gotten to the point where i don’t open ANY messages that start with “FWD:Some stupid shit some moron decided was obnoxious enough to spread around”
February 26th, 2009 at 4:23 am
honkey bitches
February 19th, 2009 at 6:12 am
YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAH!
February 15th, 2009 at 11:32 pm
HAHA!!! Your Mom, thats wicket! HAHAH LOL!
I love you, that is just hilariousl
“All you little snots ought to be glad we didn’t cut off every finger you ever put in your inappropriate little orifices. Otherwise you wouldn’t be able to create words (anyways), use the wrong homophone (their, they’re), and mock those of us who did, goddamn it, give up the best years of our lives to keep your nasty asses from dying. Oh, and BTW…we do know how to use our computers. We communicate with our friends. We don’t really want to bother with you….don’t come for Thanksgiving….don’t come for Christmas…we’ve seen you roll your eyes at us already and don’t need any more. Love, Mom.”
February 9th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Guess I lucked out, Mom doesn’t send me crappy chain mail for the most part. She does send me the “funny jokes and photos” e-mail, and I guess I’m the odd one out here because I love ‘em. If they are funny/cute enough, it doesn’t really matter if I have seen them before.
I probably send more stuff than she sends to me though, because I’m always sending her links to interesting news articles (and occasionally a Cracked article).
February 7th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
My mom’s friend and my aunt are the two people i know who do this.
the applebees $50 gift card is one that comes to mind. Also the ones with the poorly photoshopped photos that were probably taken from worth1000 in 2002, or those religous sparkly rose gifs that could have been made on jasc 7 animation shop by a 45 year old chick.
While my mom doesn’t fall for the foward-for-money messages, she does not refrain from calling me in her room to look at the morphed sleeping kittens.
January 25th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
So, if you reply to all lame forwards with a link to this article, will it soon become a lame forward on its own? Let’s find out…
December 24th, 2008 at 7:30 am
[...] De grappigste mop [...]
December 3rd, 2008 at 9:39 pm
I’m curious about this tasteless odorless drug that will leave me sterile forever.
Long live my own arrested development.
December 3rd, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Too true….I have a friend who forwards me several emails of these kinds a week - geeeeez.
December 3rd, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Let’s not forget the “Forward this to see something truly amazing on your screen!” How can anyone fall for that?
I love that my Mom forwards me things that were already forwarded to me by someone else. Thanks for reading the “To:” section.
November 26th, 2008 at 9:55 am
My new favorites are the patriotic emails, which either tell the tale of solider kindness, or are random pictures showing the American flag, a rainbow, and a multi-racial handshake.
November 26th, 2008 at 12:53 am
my aunt used to send me retarded Christianity related Emails, true story.
November 24th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
The one that always cracked me up was the one with Bill Gates ’sharing’ his wealth. You know, ‘100$ for each person you send this mail to, and 200$ each time they send it to someone else’ and so on… And this, of course, followed by ‘true stories’: ‘my sister just got a check in the mail of 1542,36$ and another guy got 354 784,16$!! What have you got to lose?!’
Now, I was pretty good in math. Granted, that was about 15 years ago, but still. How can you get 0.36$ if it’s all round numbers (100$, 200$…)?!
Math sure has changed in the last decades.
November 24th, 2008 at 3:51 am
[...] The 7 Deadly Linux Commands Internet: Spice Up Your Gmail Funny: The 5 Lamest Forwarded Emails Games: Top 10: Games that Need to be Made TV: The Top 10 Videos [...]
November 23rd, 2008 at 12:23 pm
My mum forwarded me one of those jokes after I read this. I replied with a link to this article.
November 22nd, 2008 at 6:37 pm
we should all forward this article to our friends
November 22nd, 2008 at 12:18 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHA!
Brilliant.
November 21st, 2008 at 8:53 pm
My mother sends me these kind of emails and I STILL LIVE WITH HER. She doesn’t think to, I dunno, show me the email on the family computer. My Dad is just as much to blame.
November 21st, 2008 at 7:15 pm
I totally stole that pic of yoda dog to be my avatar because its possibly one of the awesome/funniest pictures I have EVER seen! Hope thats cool, I read Obrien’s column today on how plagurists are dealt with…
November 21st, 2008 at 6:51 pm
All you little snots ought to be glad we didn’t cut off every finger you ever put in your inappropriate little orifices. Otherwise you wouldn’t be able to create words (anyways), use the wrong homophone (their, they’re), and mock those of us who did, goddamn it, give up the best years of our lives to keep your nasty asses from dying. Oh, and BTW…we do know how to use our computers. We communicate with our friends. We don’t really want to bother with you….don’t come for Thanksgiving….don’t come for Christmas…we’ve seen you roll your eyes at us already and don’t need any more. Love, Mom.
November 21st, 2008 at 2:02 pm
that donkey cracked me up; thanks, you made my day;
November 21st, 2008 at 9:53 am
I can’t believe no one mentioned anything about having to keep your virus protection up to date when dealing with emails from your mom–my mom sends me garbage all the time and then I call her up and yell at her. Her response is usually, “I just hit forward to all.” I once got a 40 page email from her that was complete nonsensicle text. I copied it and emailed it back to her under the subject heading of, “What the fuck is this shit supposed to be?”
She’s finally stopped, thank God.
I love my mom and talk to her all the time, and see her at least once a week–but fuck…come on.
November 21st, 2008 at 9:00 am
i’m wondering how many people called their mothers after finishing reading this…
November 21st, 2008 at 5:02 am
dude, this is one so hillarious, seriously, keep up the great work
November 21st, 2008 at 12:26 am
#6 - Dustinland
November 20th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Not that great until the last few lines, but those were fantastic.
November 20th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
I can tell ATFBS didn’t learn any manners from mom!!! Email your mom so she can teach you a few. We moms are way ahead of the game. You just don’t know it yet.
November 20th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
I make sure anything with FW in the subject gets filtered into the spam folder…
November 20th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
funny but true!
reality bites!
LOL!
Anyways, i found this interesting site.
Why don’t you check on it.
a href=”http://www.ihatebecky.com/?id=ybnvqhnihv7bri5nq740wdh6uuutzv”>Becky, Revenge is sweet
November 20th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
The inspirational stories e-mails are pretty awful too. As if I cared! Leave me alone. I once blocked my aunt for a week because she kept sending me that crap.
November 20th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
You forgot the most annoying kind of all. The religious uber-mushy ones talking about dead babies, friends & family, or something like that. You know the ones. They usually come with a few hundred pictures of cartoon animals or angels hugging each other, flowers, and maybe a few dead aborted fetuses thrown in. That’s way worse than a message full of lame jokes.
I’ll tell you what, I’d rather hear/read the muffin joke.
November 20th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Might as well make it 6 now, my mom read this and will pass it on to everyone.
November 20th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
I’m so glad my mother can’t work her computer in the slightest.
My mom is awesome, though. Even if she does think that you’ll actually get a free dinner for two at the Olive Garden if you click the blinking banner.
November 20th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
mother of three ….
now I am wondering why I didn’t just get a dog instead of having children…
dogs are always happy to see you, give you lots of attention, and miss you when you are not there.
November 20th, 2008 at 11:52 am
All those fucking bullshit e-mails I just use snopes.com to debunk their myths. Fuckin’ bullshit and fuck and shit.
November 20th, 2008 at 10:57 am
Hi guys!! I recommend you 18+ wealthy dating club ===M E E T RI C H. C OM=== to catch hot babes, rich and sexy singles for hotter love, more pleasure, and more fantasy. lol…I’ve been there for weeks. That’s hot!
November 20th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Missed the number one most forwarded e-mail by mothers: The “INSPIRATIONAL STORY” e-mail!!! Every story about kids telling their teachers how stars are made, teachers being remembered years after their gone, the man who was horribly deformed but through the generosity of a priest, had surgery to repair his hideous visage and became Mel Gibson (I’ve received this one dozens of times)….Don’t tell me you don’t get at least three of these every day…from EVERY mother you know, not just your own.
November 20th, 2008 at 9:33 am
Goddamnit! No sooner than I finished reading an article about bullshit hoax e-mails that your mom sends, my mom sends me a bullshit hoax e-mail.
November 20th, 2008 at 9:20 am
I am a mom and am very computer literate and I thought this was Hilarious!! Perhaps if all the kids out there would contact their moms on a regular basis and let her know what is going on with their lives, she wouldn’t have to go to such drastic measures to have some sort of contact — even if it is pathetic contact. Email your mom!!!!
November 20th, 2008 at 7:20 am
yeah, siblings are by far the worst for this crap
November 20th, 2008 at 7:19 am
not just moms, younger siblings are worse.
November 20th, 2008 at 5:56 am
All I can conclude from this is that your mom is a retard.
November 20th, 2008 at 4:57 am
Mostly I’m curious about where all these pictures of older women on laptops came from.
…where are you keeping these women? I’m sure their families would like to see them again, if only to get them to sign the insurance policy.
November 20th, 2008 at 3:10 am
Nice article Ross. That reminds me, has anyone here got that “Snowball Fight 2008″ e-mail yet?
November 20th, 2008 at 1:27 am
hilarious
November 20th, 2008 at 1:07 am
yeah i love my mom even though she is crazy and has the pappers to prove it
November 19th, 2008 at 11:54 pm
Damn you. I’m calling my mom now. She rocks.
November 19th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
w00t
November 19th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
What about the religious e-mails? I can’t count the number of times I’ve gotten that damn “Procter&Gamble is run by Satanists!” e-mail.
November 19th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
I actually tend to get more of this bullshit from young people. One girl I know from school sent me chain letters for at least two years after the last time I ever spoke to her (we were never really friends, just know each other through someone else).
Every time she sent me one I would ask her to stop, explain to her that there’s no way to track emails and send her the link to the Snopes article about it. Then a month or so later there was another chain letter in my inbox.
I really don’t understand people like that. Even if, despite the evidence, you still think someone is donating money or whatever, why continue to send them to me? I’ve told you you’re just annoying me, and every time you do it I send a message to you that annoys you, so wouldn’t it be easier for everyone if you just stopped?
Keep sending the chain letters to your dipshit friends who believe them, just leave me out of it.
November 19th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
this feels like a rant.
November 19th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
You stupidly forgot “Obama is a terrorist” and “Obama is the anti christ”
you stupid.
November 19th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Oh, Ross. I missed you.
November 19th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
The pics in this one really got me going. The graph made me wonder what my mom’s face would look like seeing Goatse. And the caption to the screaming baby pic was so funny to me you just don’t know…
I’m sending the link to my sister (who has been unsuccessful in her attempts to explain internet bullshit to our mother and her sisters), my Mom and my Aunts. And a few of my annoying Mommy friends.
Thanks for this. Funny stuff in your brain, Ross…
November 19th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
It’s like you hacked into my mom’s e-mail and created a write-up based entirely on what you found.
November 19th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Awwww… I’m gonna go give my mommy a hug.
November 19th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
How do you reduce your incoming email spam by half?
Dissociate yourself from your mother.
November 19th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
What has 10,000 legs, but can’t walk?
Scroll down for funny answer!
Jerry’s Kids!!!
November 19th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
I suppose I’ll be calling my mother now….
November 19th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
What about those lame “inspiration” eMails? You know the “when I looked behind me there was only one set of foot prints in the sand because you were carrying me Jesus. Then you took me under the board walk and laid down beside me. Slowly, you opened up your robes to reveal you smooth muscular…etc etc.”
November 19th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Jesus, how patronizing! I AM your mom, and and believe it or not, I computed with DOS on a terminal connected to room sized mainframe that rendered its output from a dot matrix printer, and I somehow managed to comprehend it all without so much as a GUI.
I even, now and then, ,augh at a 4chan antic, know about memes, Caterdays and usenet. What’s more, I find befuddled twenty-somethings constantly asking me for help in making their bittorrent clients work right.
Truly, it’s not biologically impossible to be female, over forty, to have raised a kid or two, and still manage to “get it”. Really!
BTW, I always sent a Snopes link to every chain letter I got. I don’t get those now.
(Wait…isn’t Snopes, which happens to be the ultimate debunker of chain-email, actually RUN by “one of your metaphoric moms?)
November 19th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
#5. For every picture and joke she sends you that isn’t funny, send her a picture or joke you think is funny. The annoying emails will stop.
Good advice
November 19th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
I apologized to everyone my mom was sending forwards too on her behalf, and well I didn’t get any emails, phone calls or any conversations what so ever from my mom for quite some time!!
November 19th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Britney tells all about her meltdown in new documentary - check out a clip here:
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ea30fa0b8b59c7b7be36&page=2&viewtype=&category=mr
November 19th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
The only people allowed to send me forwards are my parents and my Grandma. Especially Grandma- I’m just glad she understands the internet well enough to do forwards. Plus she sends me funny animal pictures so it’s cool.
November 19th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
soup on a stick - lol
November 19th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
You forgot the virus warning e-mails. They are closest to #3, but their different enough to deserve their own section.
November 19th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
At least you guys have moms to complain about. My mom was hit by a bus because she didn’t forward the email to me that said she would get hit by a bus if she didn’t forward it to me.
That’s OK, the $25,000,000 I’m going to get by helping a banker in Nigeria will take away some of the pain.
November 19th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
[...] Noviembre 19, 2008 at 6:21 pm · Filed under noticias Cracked: The 5 Lamest Forwarded Emails (And Why Your Mom Loves Them) [...]
November 19th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
The worst I got was a video forward. Not by a “mom”, but someone who fits into that sort of mindset because they A) saw a goofy parody video on the web and thought it was the funniest thing ever because it was “real” (even though it took all of 1 minute to search & confirm it wasn’t) and, B) was apparently part of a chain of people who’d never heard of video uploading because the individual in question forwarded A 10+ EFFING MEGABYTE WMV VIDEO to my e-mail account, even though there were literally a hundred or so copies on YouTube alone.
November 19th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
I stand corrected. Cracked.com you delight me to no end.
“This is what they look like.”
Hilarious. This whole thing, hilarious.
November 19th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
My mom told me when I was little that chain letters are from the devil and it only spreads evil if you forward them. In her day, chain letters arrived in the actual mail from the mailman. Fortunately, my mother does not really know how to use email.
November 19th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
those an-email-per-forward emails are really irritating. although, it’s especially funny when they say “copy and paste, not forward” to keep it from getting all the hideously long sent lists and >>>’s, because even if there were a way of tracking the emails, there definitely wouldn’t be a way to track the text of an email if it’s copied and pasted every time! lol…
sort of like those myspace/facebook things that go around every so often saying “IF U DONT FWD THIS UR ACOUNT WLL B DELETED!!!!!!!!”
November 19th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
I’m a mom, and a grandmother, and I don’t forward that crap, I hate receiving them too. I have an aunt that sends them. And even though my work has a strict policy on not forwarding BS like this, there are several people that send the angels with the sappy music, and the “this is for all the beautiful women” type things……barf
I always feel a tinge of guilt deleting the ones that say at the bottom “If I don’t get this back, I’ll know you are the spawn of satan, that hates children, flowers and animals”
ok they don’t use those words, but I KNOW what they mean
November 19th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Billy, you complete moron, or course there’s no heaven. I knew for a fact there’d be an idiot like you in the comments. Have fun living your life believing in fairytales dipshit
November 19th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Billy - He asked me and I told him so. Personally, I find nothing funnier than sacrilege.
November 19th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
I mostly just feel sad when I get something that says to forward it to X amount of people and I realize that I don’t even know that many. So there’s no way for me to prevent whatever evil/disease/robot that’s going to come get me.
November 19th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
You blow…….How do you KNOW there is no Heaven? Also…….this is supposed to be funny..leave your bullshit beliefs out of it.
November 19th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
But… What category did those ‘truth about Obama’ emails fall in?
November 19th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
I have had email for maybe, 3 years, probably alot longer, but thats about whne i started using it, and I dont think I have ever gotten a REAL email, from someone, asking how I am, what I’m up to, how life is, nothing, but I always get new spam every day, with all these shitty emails, Thank god osmeone finalally pointed this out.
November 19th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Ask your mom if she’s seen my watch.
November 19th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
I hate you so much Ross. I hate you for making me feel guilty.
November 19th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
tell your mom I said Hi.
November 19th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Or, those ‘remember the good ole’ days’ e-mails, like when gas was .08 a gallon, bread was a nickel, blah, blah, blah. Well…..
Remember when your second-hand smoke didn’t do anything, huh?
Remember when I chewed the lead paint off of the crib and it was cute, huh?
Remember when you let that creepy 35-year-old guy next door baby-sit, and now I’m scarred for life, huh? HUH?
OK, so I’ve got issues… sue me
Boy, those e-mails are the best. Reminds me of the good ole…..
November 19th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Haha, my Mum isn’t even technologically savvy enough to use e-mail, so I don’t have to worry about this crap
November 19th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
My mom is a hyper alloy combat chassis. We kill stuff.
November 19th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
I’m glad my mom doesn’t send me lame crap like this.
Chain letters suck, the WORST of the worst (that you didn’t cover) has to be those stupid slideshows where “uplifting” music is played and paintings of angels and children at play (with many jpeg artifacts) are in the background, while so-called “inspiring” or “sweet” messages SLOWLY slide into place. Its like drinking root beer and eating a bowl of icecream with sugar and sirup on it.
And another horrible thing? Those goddamn Youtube comments that flooded the internet a few months ago about that stupid Katta Kulu Niko (and its many many immitators) and how a girl killed in the 40s would kill you over the internet, CRACKED should do a feature on that or something.
November 19th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
My mum send me a 3, something about sherbert that is actually crack i believe.
November 19th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
dude. My Mom Taught me MsDos….
November 19th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Yeah I know I hate those e-mails! Funny stuff belong on websites, not in chain letters. Except I am a sucker for any kinda charity, but usually when they are serious websites, not so much the annoying chain letters people send.
November 19th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
I am my mum’s only MSN contact. Beat that.
November 19th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Funnah funnah stuff!
November 19th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
*********Hi guys!! I recommend you 18+ wealthy dating club ====M E E T RI C H. C O M to catch hot babes, rich and sexy singles for hotter love, more pleasure, and more fantasy. lol…I’ve been there for weeks. That’s hot!
November 19th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Fortunately, my mom only uses the internet to read message boards for house-decorating shows and for buying shit from her childhood on eBay. I’ve NEVER recieved an email from her - guess I’m not loved. Go mom!
November 19th, 2008 at 11:57 am
this was pants
November 19th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Yeah, I’ve forwarded this onto my mom as well.
Then she wrote me back “I don’t care. It gives me something to do at work. Plus, I like annoying you.”
I guess it’s revenge for raising me. Eh.
November 19th, 2008 at 11:33 am
What about the one with just a load of angels and “if you don’t forward this to everyone you know and send it back to me you’re a horrible friend and should die,” emails?
I feel horribly guilty when I delete them. That’s just cruel.
November 19th, 2008 at 11:13 am
I just forwarded this article to everyone in my address book! Oh, wait…
November 19th, 2008 at 11:10 am
You can prevent emails like these by explaining to your Mom:
#1. While there are many things, like text, pictures, and videos, that can be transmitted through the internet, magic isn’t one of them.
#2. 98% of whats on the internet is bullshit.
#3. People can’t track who you forward email to (unless it contains tracking software in it, which is a bad thing and also a good way to tell Mom not to open attachments from people she doesn’t know).
#4. Anyone who withholds money from children solely because enough people didn’t forward his email is an asshole.
#5. For every picture and joke she sends you that isn’t funny, send her a picture or joke you think is funny. The annoying emails will stop.
November 19th, 2008 at 10:53 am
WOW Ross, you, impressed Tartra, go you!!!
Also, how annoying are the emails that say “forward this on and something will pop up on your screen” totally bent.
November 19th, 2008 at 10:49 am
This is sadly so true. I just delete all of them that my Mom and Aunts send me. Because I have seen them all.
Although you didn’t mention the “get to know you better” e-mails, the myspace/facebook e-mail equivalent. Those are very prominent among Moms now too.
November 19th, 2008 at 10:47 am
I forwarded this article to my mother. thank you for this thoughtful way to say stop sending me shit mother.
November 19th, 2008 at 10:35 am
Briefly, Haruhi made me consider asking the Goog if it’s “Hampster” or “Hamster”. Then I realized I don’t actually care. Then halfway through this comment I realized I didn’t really care enough even to finish typing it, but I’d done so much already, I pressed on.
I read your article and found it acceptable. Thank you Mr. Wolinsky.
November 19th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Dammit, Wolinksy. Now I have to go call my mom.
November 19th, 2008 at 10:22 am
This sucks.
November 19th, 2008 at 10:13 am
I wonder if it’s possible to hunt down the first ever chain email. Is it still making rounds? I’m going to track the life of this email and write a book.
But I’m going to need help…
Please forward this to everyone you know. Every time this email gets forwarded, one penny will be donated to my research.
November 19th, 2008 at 9:35 am
You know, the sad part is that my best friend (who is technically a mom) is still prone to these, even having grown up in the digital age. I get emails from her ALL the time like bot #5 and #4. Ugh!
Excellent article, Ross. But I don’t think it should be limited to just moms in their 50s and 60s.
November 19th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Ross, I have to say, you’re not my favourite Cracked columnist, but every so often you pull off a gem of an article. This was today’s gem. Very nicely done. I’m considering forwarding it to all my friends (plus my mom).
November 19th, 2008 at 9:26 am
Hamster is spelt wrong in the line graph.
Do I win a prize?
November 19th, 2008 at 8:49 am
whats black and white and looks like a horse? a zebra.
hahahahaha
now send this on to 100,000,000,000 people otherwise absolutely nothing will happen….or will it????
November 19th, 2008 at 8:19 am
I knew it, I knew it, those emails are fake, there is no such thing as a charity by forwarding emails. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to click some advertisements, I know this time I will win an iPhone for sure.