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A New Biopic That Asks: Did Wikipedia Murder Ted Kennedy?



Like anyone else who writes for the internet, I hate writing for the internet. That’s why, when the famous Hollywood producer [REDACTED FOR LEGAL REASONS] emailed me about writing a screenplay for him, I jumped at the chance. The pitch, as he described it, was a biopic of the recently late Ted Kennedy, as modern audiences are just obsessed with biopics. He had a whole bunch of plans for making Teddy into this tragic, misunderstood character, left alone to carry the burden of his family’s legacy on his shoulders amidst tragedy and, eventually, public ridicule. Really show what a selfless hero he truly was.

I had my own ideas and, when I sent him the screenplay, (about a day and a half after he pitched it, thanks very much), we had some disagreements. What follows is our email chain regarding these disagreements.


Last 5 posts by Daniel O'Brien

This entry was posted on Friday, August 28th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under DOB, Politics, Ted Kennedy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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150 Responses to “A New Biopic That Asks: Did Wikipedia Murder Ted Kennedy?”

  1. pligg.com Says:

    A New Biopic That Asks: Did Wikipedia Murder Ted Kennedy?…

    Like anyone else who writes for the internet, I hate writing for the internet. That’s why, when the famous Hollywood producer [REDACTED FOR LEGAL REASONS] emailed me about writing a screenplay for…

  2. Joe Dirt Says:

    http://www.ihateyounatalie.com/?id=1834689

  3. Jack Says:

    Easily Cracked’s funniest columnist.

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    where do you buy electronic cigarettes…

    High price- due to taxes and otherwise- is the biggest factor that deters children from starting tobacco in the first place. Due to the state of the economy, we may see even more adults say enough is enough when it comes to tobacco as well. The only pr…

  5. Doctor Awesoctopus Says:

    The last image was super win.

  6. Kat Says:

    Is that Microsoft Outlook, DOB?

    Why have you forsaken us?

  7. Leia Says:

    hahahaahahaa!!!!

    I would pay to see this movie

  8. CAM Says:

    http://www.ihateyounatalie.com/?id=1834689

  9. douchebaggis Says:

    http://www.ihateyounatalie.com/?id=1832836

  10. lcylvlcy Says:

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  11. tui318 Says:

    http://www.ihateyounatalie.com/?id=1831349

  12. Mike Says:

    DOB, if I ever make a movie. You’re going to be in it. With Mila Kunis.

  13. BubsGoddess Says:

    I can’t breathe for laughing so hard. DOB you are far too funny!!!

  14. superfly Says:

    I wholeheartedly agree with the part about Mila Kunis showing full frontal nudity.

  15. Eugenio Says:

    Son of a bitch, you always make me laugh my ass off, DOB. Cheers to you.

  16. » Vero e falso: Wikipedia meno libera per l’introduzione dei revisori? Faccio Cose Vedo Gente Says:

    [...] Per approfondire: * A quick update on Flagged Revisions * Elenco delle edizioni dei vari progetti che adottano le Flagged Revisions * il report (dicembre 2008) dell’esperienza tedesca * Did Wikipedia Murder Ted Kennedy? [...]

  17. CamboD Says:

    Is that another president you’re hanging with, DOB? After you saved/invented Thanksgiving with Andrew Jackson, I’m not surprised they gave you Secret Service.

  18. Micawber Says:

    DOB, you shouldn’t post pictures of yourself like that. Now I’ll never be satisfied with any other man.

  19. Fkelleghan Says:

    “T-Ken.”

  20. The_Gecko Says:

    I thought this was going to be stupid. It was, but it was also the funniest thing I have read in a long time.

  21. William Says:

    Dickipedia is a real website. It’s run by the Huffington Post and chronicles people who are dicks.

  22. BGH122 Says:

    Everything you do is genius. You should be inaugurated as the president of comedy.

  23. Unknown Director is... Says:

    I’m pretty sure its: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/

  24. Gil11 Says:

    I’m pretty sure that the “unknown” director is either Steven Spielberg or Steven Seagal. Lot’s of “s” and “t,” by the looks of it.

  25. lauren Says:

    dob, are you aware you have groupies- aka, chicks under 18 who would fuck you in quicker than you can say “i think this might be ille-”
    not that you’d ever actually turn down sex..legal or otherwise(:

    and to dara, dude, what if the fact that its a conspiracy about a conspiracy is just ONE BIG CONSPIRACY???? :D

  26. Dart Says:

    I would watch that movie.

  27. Dara Says:

    By the way, this article made me laugh so hard that I choked on my cigarette smoke, dropped it on my foot, and then proceeded to tear up from having smoke rape my pupils. Congratulations, I haven’t cried since I was 10 and you managed to procure tears from my eyes with an award-winning combo of pain and laughter.

  28. Dara Says:

    JFK’s robot was Alpha 5? Does Wikipedia have any associations with Rita Repulsa? Wikipitapulsa?! Well, shit, if Rita and the Russians are involved, then who else? The Republicans? The Rough Riders? The Road Warrior?! Maybe they’re involved in an alliance, perhaps the E.A.R.s?
    (Evil Alliance of R’s).
    Well, fuck me, this theory is almost as believable as the Zeitgiest and Loose Change movies. Are you sure you aren’t working for the government to create these conspiracies that will make the government seem more powerful than it is? Are you sure this conspiracy isn’t a conspiracy?

  29. rayd Says:

    HAHAHAno

  30. checkminus Says:

    wow, great job,DOB. i knew from the instant i glanced at the title that this was going to be an instant classic.

  31. Rina Says:

    DOB, you photoshopped your face onto Han Solo and then photoshopped a thrashin’ guitar into your hands?
    That’s pretty damn awesome.

    I reckon this film could probably be made in maybe a few thousand years, when the history books are hazy at best and nobody is really sure if Ted Kennedy was a real guy or a myth. Sort of like a ‘Dracula: Dead And Loving It’ type thing.
    Too bad none of us will be around to see it.

  32. lauren Says:

    oh and one more thing- LOCK N LOADDDD!!! (:

  33. lauren Says:

    i would like to say the following things:
    1- great man or no- i have no personal opinions of ted kennedy, although if he was naything like his tail-chaising brother, he must’ve been awesome- this was a truly amazing article(:
    2- if this is any way offended you, you shudnt be reading cracked…just cuz ur most defintetly going to get offended by perhaps every other vidoe and article ever made on this site.
    3- im a straight chick and even i wanna see that mila kunis scene…who ever said it cant be NC-17, DOB? im over 17 (;
    4. can kennedy have two robots? i dont have anything to do these days(:

  34. Ducky Says:

    I lost it at space poison and “Wikipedia isn’t a person and therefore could not be Russian”

    rofl dude.

  35. Peach Says:

    This is WAY better than a lot of your recent stuff; I hope you stick with this kind of thing more often again now - although Unknown Blogger Challenges Google to Death Race will always be my favourite.

  36. Corporate Whoredom Says:

    How did you cover Chappaquiddick?

    Also, we’d love to read the screenplay. Are you going to release it?

  37. RyanJames Says:

    Just about the funniest thing I’ve ever read.
    “Ted Kennedy’s going to fuck you on the moon!”

  38. Aeolian Says:

    The line “Mila Kunis will not do any of those things you have written for her” made my world suddenly seem darker. I swear the birds outside stopped singing when I read that.
    Jessica Alba still will, right?

  39. ADHD Says:

    It looks more like Steve Lulman to me.

  40. Random guy Says:

    Aaahahahah! This is the best piece you’ve written in a long time :D Or anyone else, for that matter.

  41. BornBeyond Says:

    classic

  42. Hallo457 Says:

    Alpha 5 is in the background of the Ted, JFK, and DOB picture. Awesome.

  43. Anonymouse Says:

    I prefer Conspirapedia, personally.

  44. tedkennedyfan68 Says:

    Jeez Exile. John F. Kennedy was a worthless reprobate but Ted Kennedy was a great man, and I don’t think even Republicans would disagree with that, unless of course they gained all their knowledge of his life and career from the tabloids.

  45. bored Says:

    Looks like Steven batman, lol.

    Awesome article.

  46. counts12 Says:

    The producer is Steven Luhrman.

  47. Doctorchaos Says:

    Now, I know my comments can be controversial, but really, it’s just a cry for attention. You see, my mommy never loved me, and daddy used to beat me but then he left, and that was worse. Having never known love and being denied a proper upbringing, I solicited sex from a prostitute at age fourteen, after which I cried for almost ten hours.

    I’m really just a pathetic sack of shit on the inside, no matter what else I say. It’s not really ‘for teh lulz,’ it’s just that I’m epic fail.

  48. demoncat Says:

    lol that was hilerious and can see why the so called hollywood big wig had his name blacked out did not want to be found out and hunted down over the idea for the film. even playing the robot. and hope the part of swain teaching ballet was a joke for the thought of him in ballet teaching gear the pain

  49. Katrina Says:

    I hate how people say just because someone is a Kennedy means that they get away with things. Most of the Kennedy children died helping the world become a better place like Joseph who died in WWII when his plane exploded serving his country. What about Eunice who founded the Special Olympics. By the way not all the Kennedy children were lucky, just look at Rosemary who was born mildly retarded and was lobotomized at the age of 23 then institutionalized. I can’t believe you people could be so heartless.

  50. Flubagalub Says:

    Wow. That was the funniest thing I’ve read on this site in ages (i.e., since your last article).

  51. gunluva Says:

    Her … armpit is censored. Why is her armpit censored?

  52. Zane Says:

    Wow… DOB, you’re awesome

  53. andy Says:

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  54. Liam Daly Says:

    DOB you are in fact an awesome person but you preach and rely on it too much in your articles

  55. Nattie Says:

    wasman SWAIM DOES NOT SUCK! Damn it.

  56. Nattie Says:

    Mary Jo Kopechne was unavailable for comment.

    I think this movie would be a lot better than the real story, anyway. Make it!

  57. The DM Says:

    Fuckipe- Brillo- Consperipodicum.

    Shit. Hold on.

    Goddamnhilaripedia! Est.

  58. jon_e_7 Says:

    Hook line for movie trailer : Say it ain’t so, Mary Jo, say it ain’t so!

  59. Pedgerow Says:

    That sneaky insertion of Alpha 5 was great.

    Also, does anyone remember a film called Churchill: The Hollywood Years? It came out maybe five years ago, and nobody watched it, but I saw it when it came on TV and it was really good, and it sounds a bit like this. It starred Christian Slater as Winston Churchill.

  60. wasman Says:

    nice
    swaim sucks btw dont patronize him

  61. kent Says:

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  62. Salman Says:

    Russian NASA… ROFLMAO.

  63. Doc Hollywood Says:

    incredible. Dan O Brien you are hilarious

  64. Allison Says:

    Gosh, I just can’t get the image of Gladstone teaching a ballet class out of my head. :/

  65. Obitron2000 Says:

    @Cam o’ Evil: Lol and the movie should be an adaption of the dragon fisting book. just to fuck with everyone.

  66. benfromcanada Says:

    Best Cracked piece in quite some time. I love you, DOB. Never change. Unless you change for the better.

  67. Simon Says:

    I heard Michael Bay is attached to direct.

  68. Cam o' Evil Says:

    So…are we supposed to refer to Mr O’Brien as DOB or Special Agent Senator Daniel O’Brien from now on? Cause I’m cool with either.

    This was hilarious. Almost as good as your Dragon fisting/fucking “novel”.

    Also, I demand both that novel and this movie be made, immediately. Heads will roll if I’m not sitting here watching while simultaneously reading about dragon fisting and Ted Kennedy fucking someone on the moon.

    Heads. Will. roll.

  69. Digital Pie Says:

    bahahahahha
    Awesome.
    Also, third email = win.

  70. the night is still young Says:

    Lock n’ load!!

  71. Simon Says:

    Fucking hilarious.

  72. No... Wiki didn't but... Says:

    … I’ll bet you $’s to doughnuts THIS guy DID! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ YOUZA!

  73. Jukebox Says:

    Another home run. Where can I sign for the Legion of DOB?

  74. David Gerard Says:

    I do press for Wikipedia. I’ve just spent the last four fucking days with my phone fucking melting and talking to radio shows in fucking Mongolia about a change that isn’t a change because the NYT wrote a geek article and it’s August and no-one else has anything to print.

    This is, bar none, the finest coverage of the coming insignificant changes to Wikipedia I have ever read or will ever read. I have forwarded it to all internal mailing lists to commend you on your perspicacious insight into how things actually work here. God bless you, Special Agent O’Brien.

  75. keithp420 Says:

    too funny, and i am so ending each email, post, christmas card with;

    Booyah!

  76. Lapinot Says:

    Top, that.

    But what about the Mila Kunis scenes? I MUST KNOW.

  77. Chadachada123 Says:

    …Jimmy? From Milford?

    Jesus shit, I didn’t know you read Cracked. What are the freaking odds?

    Eh, Ted Kennedy sucked anyways.

    Very funny article ^^

  78. Ted Says:

    Was awful, and reasonably offensive until the end. The last two e-mails really strung it together.

  79. The Friday Fail and Other Funny Stuff: August 28th, 2009 Says:

    [...] Did Wikipedia Murder Ted Kennedy? – DOB, you magnificent bastard. (Cracked) [...]

  80. Philipo Says:

    Genius. “Space poison” and “Ted Kennedy’s going to fuck you on the moon!” are the funniest things I’ve read in the last 2 months.

    I would go and see this movie the nanosecond it was released (or is that unleashed?).

  81. Mr dick move Says:

    Dude this movie sounds great. Only missing one thing….. Three breasted lesbian aliens. I know… Genius, right.

  82. Exile Says:

    I’m pretty sure Cancer took out that fat reprobate Kennedy.

    Cancer should get a fucking medal for killing that commie slob.

  83. Mr Mopery Says:

    I seriously think this movie needs to be made. Right away.

  84. Will Says:

    FUND IT

  85. Ghost of Ted Kennedy Says:

    Just wanted to pop in and say that I for one totally endorse this version of my life.

    Great work, DOB!

  86. 960018 Says:

    Well, at least I can wait for one good movie.

  87. Stormfin Says:

    Who wants to wait 22.3 years, Busche? May as well get it over with.

  88. Busche Says:

    This was Great DOB, just brilliant. Maybe a little too soon- it seems like you’ve been concocting this for a while. But the ballz-to-da-wallz hilarity makes up for that.

  89. Jimmy Donahue Says:

    Too soon. Seriously DOB, that’s not cool.

  90. AgentCoop Says:

    I’m willing to kick in upwards of nine dollars to help fund this movie.

  91. Dave Says:

    Dear Penny,

    One can only assume that you are a chick with a penis. And ugly… and a whore. Ted Kennedy did not murder anyone, he got in an accident, and the woman in the car with him died. It was tragic, and he “got away with it” because there weren’t laws in place for that kind of thing (he quickly changed that, btw). This “pondscum” then went on to stamp on peoples rights, for a total of what? 9 terms? I guess Massachusetts likes getting stamped on… or else they hate disgusting hermaphrodites like you.

  92. troutslap Says:

    dongtacular, truly dongtacular

  93. Katie Says:

    Oh dear God, I just laughed for about 10 minutes straight. Best thing I’ve read in a while! ^_^

    P.S. DOB, I had no idea that you looked like my ex-girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend. But you’re much more attractive (and intelligent, and witty, and hygienic… I didn’t really like the guy). ;)

  94. WhoWantsToKnow Says:

    “FLASHBACK 1964.” Nice Touch.

    Also, is there only one photograph of DOB in existence?

  95. Love it Says:

    DOB is back baby!!!

  96. Aprilizer Says:

    Gladstone was the teacher…? I knew he was a fancy lad. Rest in peace, angel.

  97. Michael Swaim Says:

    This is great. And I’m not just saying that because I got to blow up in a dance class.

  98. jay Says:

    Mila Kunis is sooo fucking hot.
    But DOB is hotter.
    :)

  99. The Outlaw Says:

    Dude…I so want to be in on this…I can play some sort of wise crackin sidekick…or…like, a long lost Kennedy brother who has secretly infiltrated Russian NASA to sabotage them. (But you only find that out like 20 minutes before the credits roll). Think about it DOB…I’ll be waitin for the e-mail…

  100. Tairy Hesticles Says:

    Oh my god, DOB. You had me rolling with this one.

  101. hulk67851 Says:

    “You can play Kennedy’s robot.” And then, the movie gets greenlighted!

    Awesome ending.

  102. Timothy Clemans Says:

    cracked.com meets dontevenreply.com

  103. Jason Says:

    RUSSIAN NASA? i just about pissed myself. In a good way. Funny, funny stuff!

  104. MCSal Says:

    The wikipedia logo as the Death Star is awesome. Also, Ratzinger as Palpatine? Priceless.

  105. Penny Says:

    Ted Kennedy was a drunk and a murderer who got away with murdering a good bright young woman because he was a Kennedy. He also constantly stamped on the rights of transgendered people. The man was pondscum. Good riddance to him. One more old fat white hater in the dirt.

  106. BIGMIKE Says:

    SPECIAL AGENT SENATOR DAN O’BRIAN

  107. stop Says:

    stop calling bloggers “sir” and using the terms “fail” and “epic fail” no matter how much you liked or disliked the article written. It’s obnoxious. I wouldn’t ever want to meet any of you people in real life.

  108. shrimpngrits Says:

    Will there be spacesharks in this movie?

  109. Madchester Says:

    I would not be surprised in the least if it turned out that dickipedia is a real website.

    Anyway I agree with Doctor Chaos when he says that this is “typical DOB-ish”. By which I mean typically brilliant!

    Keep up the good work DOB!

  110. CavalierX Says:

    “Mila Kunis will not do any of those things you have written for her.”

    When I read that, I felt a huge weight of disappointment. And you know know what I really meant by “disappointment.” More like “dickappointment,” am I right? No, wait, I’d better rework that joke before hitting “subm

  111. Jeremy Says:

    YES!! That power rangers robot made this even epicer!

  112. shezah Says:

    This is what we would call an example of some classic DOB. Inappropriate, random and downright hilarious! Awesome stuff!

  113. Andrew Says:

    Greatest poster ever.

  114. Paco Says:

    Good sir you made me drop a glass on my foot because of this article. Thank you. I cannot wait to see this movie and I assure you I will watch it every day for the rest of my life.

  115. Res_Ipsa Says:

    You really need to start making movies. Someone needs to start a studio solely making your movies.

  116. Penal Colony Says:

    DoctorChaos can eat my balls. Reading DOB is my reason for staying out of prison. I can’t get internet in prison.

  117. Rev JSH Says:

    Anyone else think Doctorchaos is a dick wrapped turdtard?

  118. Rachel Says:

    both “Kennedies”? Amazing.

  119. InuGhost Says:

    Mr. O’Brien,

    My company is very interested in your screenplay and would like to meet with you. We believe it has the potential to surpass all other movies, and would like to begin production on it immedietly.

    The whole conspiracy concept and insight to the deviousness that is wikipedia is astonishing.

    We are willing to pay cash up front. If you are interested, then please meet us behind the bar at Cracked Ave at 3: 00 A.M. Please come alone as we don’t want any witnesses. Oh please bring all copies of your screen play, along with your computer, and tell no one. We don’t want the competition finding out.

    Your friend Wikipedia.

  120. Kyo Says:

    Hahahahahaha, that was great

  121. Josan Veehors Says:

    This whole column was fucking funny, but out of nowhere- The dog with the dick in his mouth. Hilarious shit, man. Keep it up Dan.

  122. Anaughtybear Says:

    ‘Judge not, lest ye be Judge Dredd.”

    Fucking awesome. I am going to be saying that to everyone I meet from now on.

    Did DOB write the GI Joe movie as well? Either way, I think this Wikipedia conspiracy flick is going to be way better than anything Hollywood is making now.

  123. Dingo Says:

    Steven Latham is SO the Kennedy robot.

  124. Jediknight437 Says:

    You are the KING DOB! Awesome. Just awesome..

  125. Lock N Load Says:

    Oh man, I laughed uncontrollably at all of this (right up until the end when he said let’s make the movie.) This was Gold. I especially liked “Special Agent Senator”. Hilarious.

  126. DH Says:

    When does it come out? Stuff it - how much do you want to release a pirate copy online right now!?

  127. Esteban Says:

    Dude, I was dying laughing reading this… and then I noticed that Power Rangers robot. You are a golden god.

  128. Doctorchaos Says:

    Another messy shitfest from the worlds greatest cocksucker.

    Hey Seanbaby, I’l lbuy you a case of whatever the fuck you want if you break DOB in half and stuff him in the freezer at your office.

    I’m sure you worked long and hard on that dan, just like you worked long and hard on that homeless person in the alley you found the other night but it’s still FAIL.

    Too long, too messy, too much bullshit, typically DOB-ish.

  129. Rev JSH Says:

    Booyah! I got motherfuckin tears of hilarity rolling down my cheeks.

  130. the phizzle Says:

    I would so go see that movie. This artical made me laugh harder than I have laughed in a long time while reading cracked. Good job man

  131. AM9393 Says:

    @reese:

    That did not lead me to where i wanted to go! The link sent me to a clothing site! :(

  132. Skott Says:

    also he killed a girl

  133. Skott Says:

    he was the grandson of a bottlegger, the son of an antisemite nazi apeaser, and his whole family had ties to the IRA good riddance

  134. Emily Says:

    Beautiful. Just beautiful in every way.

  135. raven Says:

    you and swaim are the only people on this site worth reading. btw when is your twilght book coming out?

  136. mikey Says:

    biblical. good stuff DOB.

  137. Bigdog Says:

    DOB, dude you are the man. When I die, you will get 15% of my estate.

    Nevermind that it probably amounts to some pocket lint, and 35 canadian cents…

  138. reese Says:

    great article!

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  139. RDean Says:

    God damn that was funny! Especially the pictures and the title of the movie. Great stuff. DOB in a Han Solo costume (DOB Solo?) slamming some 4-way beastiality dildo action.

  140. kent Says:

    hi guys, do you like hot older women?

    do you like shrek?

    do you like bestial sex?

    then go to this site http://www.shrekmamas.com

  141. patches Says:

    That pic of you, Snipes, and JFK might be the greatest thing ever.

  142. hazardlad Says:

    The dog had a dong in it’s mouth. I was nearly done laughing when I saw that, then I laughed my arse off for another ten minutes. Fucking-damn-shit-balls AWESOME

  143. 33stradale Says:

    haha: “russain nasa” , also congrats on summing up every american political thriller/ high octane action film

  144. overkill_78 Says:

    I’m already in line for tickets.

    BTW, is that a Warlock? I don’t know my B.C. Rich well, so yeah.

  145. Wheelz Says:

    You left out an important point. The screenplay never mentions that Ted died the same way as JFK: with something lodged in his brain.

    Wheelz, and his “Hillary is carrying Nessie’s baby” theory.

  146. jana Says:

    That was EPIC…just add a bit of matrix, terminator and lord of the rings into that and u’ll have the winning formula.

  147. DistortEd Says:

    Sweet! When will this be in theaters?

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  149. Mike Says:

    You are quickly becoming my favorite writer on this site. Well done. I laughed out loud at the picture(s) with Snipes as Kennedy

  150. Kali Says:

    Holy shit, my face hurts from laughing!

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